Fashion Challenge

Me on the telly about to me told i have to make a dress for Miss. Hilton. The Wunna doesn’t do making dresses very well sober. Luckily i was on Team Flic, with 4 other people who could tend to such nonsense. I literally spent the time posing, talking to the crew and eating sandwiches…but i did on occasion look like i was ‘being really busy,’ just so i wouldn’t get kicked off. Infact, one of the expert designers, designed and sewed this amazing fun golden motive to my jeany bum (right hand cheek) whilst everyone else sweated out the challenge. (Hahah!)  They were designing…i was being designed for. And that’s probably why we lost! LOL

I love this bit of randomness : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxJi-si5FRY

(It mirrors the way my life kind of works.)

Sinners are Winners

So i just watched the news (I never do it, so i don’t know why i bothered today) and the tips that were given to our mildy panicked NATION to prevent us from getting the ‘Swine Flu’ were: ‘Hold a tissue over your mouth’ and ‘Wash your hands!’ (HAHAHA!) That’s all you’ve got for us??? We might die in 2 weeks because of tragic Mexican piggies and all you’ve got for us is in our desperate moment of need is… ‘Wash your (Fucking) hands.’ I guess that’s also the cure for Cancer, Egotistical Behaviour, Paedophillia and AIDS. I never wash mine and i’ve rummaged in all kinds of exotic underwear. I just let my Mum lick them clean. She kisses them better.

Anyway, i’m having a good day today. I’m loving my new black hair (i dyed it last night) and well i spent the evening webcam conversationing with Fernando (who i’m now over a bit, after letting him see me.) I’ve nicknamed him ‘Nando.’ Yep, i’m turning men into simple spicy pieces of meat. He’s really sweet, but i watched how nervous he was around my webcam video and how he kept blushing and being a bit coy, cool and pervy on the inside. It didn’t turn me off..it just meant the game was over. I’ve still catergorized him as ‘Hot Bitch.’ I guess i shouldn’t have done all that ‘Oooh-ing and Aaring’ into the camera. It’s sexy fun for me. But an ache in his pants for him. He nearly poked his eye out. I’m awful if i know i have a camera on me…i end up doing all sorts of ridiculous things for attention…and they’re usually quite ‘Slutty.’

Today is amazing because my Fun juices are a flowing. I’m definitely under the misconception that i’m a DIVA or something today. When really i’m just a twat…(with great boobs.) I’ve so far spent the afternoon watching ‘Paris Hiltons British Best friend’ on Youtube and yeah i agree, that annoying asian one really does have a ‘voice like Chlamydia.’ She made my vagina itch…or was it bitch? (Yes, my vagina talks. I’m sure it can mouth the Lords Prayer?)

Saying that my friend Caroline in Milan (who enjoys the sight of numerous big black willies) quite politely stated that i was ‘shit at everything church.’ When i quite spritely asked her why, she simply pointed out that i had typed the phrase, ‘Dear Father…for i have sinned.’ I didn’t realise the correct phrase is ‘Bless Me Father…for i have sinned.’  I’m so 85% stupid that i forget to actually ask for fucking blessings after sinning. I simply just tell The Lord what i’ve got up to and hope he likes it! (Hahah!) ‘Dear father for i have sinned…that will be all…thankyou!’ It’s time in hell for me.

She then went on to tell me after reading the ‘Pulling tampons out with your teeth, when you’re girlfriend is on her period‘ blog, that it was the simply act of Vampires. Apparently instead of enjoying ‘Scones and clotted cream’ for breakfast…they have ‘Scones and Clots.’ She also suggested that any boy who pulls a bloodied tampon out of a bleeding female fuck buddy with his teeth, should simply place it in a warm cup of boiling water and have it as tea. It’s a refreshingly fruitful pick me up….if you’re a vampire….or a dirty fucking bastard. (I’ve just recieved an message from a friend asking me if i can fit 3 willies in my mouth, or 2 maxium?? Haha! I said ‘Two and a half!’ He then went on to talk about the ‘half’ being a 15 yr old.)

Someone asked me if i was African today.

Chrissie Wunna x

A Little Bit of Thigh

A little bit of cheeky thigh for your perfect Wednesday morning. It’s the beginning of the end of the week my ‘Darlings’ so please do ENJOY!! I once had a piece of KFC chicken smeared all over that particular thigh in order to see if someones domestic pet would try and eat me. It did….but just not there! (She winks.) Find the floozy in you.

Pulled it out with his teeth

This morning, i’ve already managed to get called a ‘Spastic,’ wished the Swine Flu on my best friend Wazza and claimed that i would like him to date a ‘Bastard’ just so i can call her ‘Bastard…(Insert any female name in here.) We’ve discussed how i want a ‘Sloth’ to eat me out whilst i am on my period to mood music. How i can never tell anyone what really happens in my life, on my blog now in order to protect others and how my art of ‘ruining’ things will soar me to the lofty heights of Stardom…or just make me die young in a gutter.

Every morning Wazza and i will check in and discuss. It’s kinda like a meeting of pathetic minds, and essential for anyone trying to write a blog on CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM. We give each other a quick overview of what’s actually happenning in each others lives (we usually discuss our love lives and slag innocent people off) then we visciously ridicule each other and begin a series of disgusting name calling, littered with a delicious sprinkle of inappropriate humour, followed by discrimination. We talk about paedophiles, spastics, drunks, slags and sex. It’s a good warm up for me. I love verbal abuse. It gets my juices flowing. (‘Call me bitch! Call me bitch!‘)

Anyway, Wazza tells me this story of how he once pulled a girl in The Greyhound (a crap pub in Ponty…he usually never pulls so this is always a story.) He didn’t like her too much…so he ‘got off’ with her in the pub. Nothing like a cheeky snog with someone that disgusts you. It’s a good way to punish yourself. Fuck an eating disorder. Just sloppy snog someone who appauls you. Anyway (i’m getting distracted) So Wazza makes out with her.. with a PORK SCRATCHING in his MOUTH. (I’ve made out with someone, with a penis in my mouth before, so i’m not one to judge.) Unfortunately, the young lady ended up being a Vegetarian and decided to get rather pissed off at him. So to her sweet revenge, she SHAGS his friend (who is also MY friend, who dumped me when i was little for being frigid in chemistry) whilst she was on her period. I’m not sure how that qualifies as revenge?? As isn’t it just being a Slag?? YOU SLAG!

Anyway i’ve had sex on my period before so i don’t think the story is too disturbing. Infact, it’s Greatness because it’s a 100% guarantee that you won’t get pregnant. Yet to make the world a better place, Wazza is informed that his ‘Friend’…. being the kind gentleman that he is, DID NOT eat (the girl in question) out, due to her being on the ‘blob.’ So Wazza decides (probably out of jealousy) that he will tell everyone that his ‘friend’ pulled the girls tampon out with his teeth, did the diddly dirty, fell asleep with his head in a pizza and then in the morning walked back home, across town, with a mushroom stuck to his face!!

The rest i can’t tell you about because it turns a bit too inappropriate. But the moral of the story is…don’t send your child to boarding school. Three Cheers!

I have a day of grooming ahead. I’m getting pampered, plucked and rubbed upon. I’m a Lady Of Leisure and i’m loving it bitches. Glamour pussing is an ‘Art.’

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

In every smokey venue there’s always one desperate slag of a floozey awaiting a tender touch. This is my pulling pose. Don’t hate! (hahaha.) Also on this picture is Frederic. (A Delicious Dandy.) He does Paris Hilton’s face. He also does Chrissie Wunna’s demon jazz hands, when she is unable to tend to such ‘hands of amazement’ due to viscious posing. Love Me.

Spanked by The Talent?

Having an amazing day! It’s just getting better and better. I’ve done a lot of stalking. A great deal of pouting. A little bit of stretching and a whole lot of whoring it. My Kitten just got back home from having the ‘snip-snip’ after he quite rudely bonked his sister. I thought he’d be a lot more mad at me, but it seems little ‘Bruce-lee’ is happier than ever. All he wants to do is lay on his back, with his ‘now i can see them’ balls out and try and trick people into licking them. A kitten after my own heart. Delicious! They taste like chicken!

I’m currently being groomed so it’s hard to type. I am completely loving being all dolled up for no reason other than being alive and needing to look good, as i wander around my house. But just quickly…I’ve continued to massively flirt with Fernando who’s now deciding to talk love and marriage, (it’s the ‘ooh laa’ in me. Boys just want to tame me and tie me down…in 3 days. It’s always been a problem of mine.) Yet at least the hot boys are all now deciding to hunt me down. FINALLY! It’s like LA all over again and this bitch is happy about it. (OOOoooh-Laaaa!) I wish i could squirt vodka out my nipples, in a clown nose.

On the other hand ‘Britains Got Talent’ Mr.DJ Talent, has just asked me out. He says he wants to ‘spank me,’ and all sorts of other wonderous things. I believe he’s intending to go on a date with me next week. I said i’d only go if he made up a ridiculously awesome rap about me. ‘I say Chrissie! You say Wunna!’ It would be odd being spanked by DJ Talent. Yet i’m sure it’s an experience that can’t be missed. I’m not sure it would be my favourite accomplishment in life. Yet, something tells me it totally WILL! Wow! The ‘Britains Got Talent ‘boys love a bit of The Wunna. (Hahahahha!) First a bit of inappropriate teenage love, now a bit of…..I don’t even know how to describe him???’ He’s no Fernando.

Other than that i’ve been talking to a sexy witch in Germany and i’m being discussed in childrens Science classes. Hope you have too! (Winks) The swine flu is scaring me! I’ve always called people ‘Swines’ so i now i believe God will punish me by giving me a dose of the Mexican Piggy Flu.

Fit it in

Today i’m feeling fit, healthy and a little bit wealthy. Well not really. It’s all lies. I don’t feel remotely healthy but i foolishly believe that if i say it to myself enough, my body will miraculously heal. I’m on a mission, (a dodgey one) to get healthy. I’m not sure as to how i’m going to achieve such a lofty goal? Yet i’m sure i’ll get there somehow. I’ll just eat better and sweat a little. I’ve never been one to enjoy sporting activities….that don’t go to music or end in an ‘ugh-ugh’ orgasm. I’m a glamour puss. I refuse to let my body be uneccessarily pushed to it’s ultimate sweaty limits. I don’t know why people waste their time running around training tracks and on the spot on treadmills, until they reach sheer exhaustion and want to keel over an die. I’m not going out like that. I’m far too beautiful. Things should be done slowly, glamourously, with diamonds and a midget posse, who act as  devoted slaves. Please…i can sweat and die some other day.

So Shopping was great yesterday. Chatted to a few girls in Topshop and posed for a few pictures. I’m feeling calm content and grateful for most of lifes beautiful things. I stayed up until 2am last night MSN-ing with Fernando (the new dreamy hot guy i can’t help but perv on) and you know what? I actually sort of fancy him. However, i’m sure the moment will pass. I ‘crush’ a lot. Yet this dashing suitor is simply delicious. Almost ‘Dream Man’ material and ofcourse adores me. He had his webcam on and i just watched him type, watched his expressions. (Yes, i am a stalker.) Beautiful. I kissed my screen 27 times. He’s delicious and ofcourse in Italy with sicilian blood running through his veins. I’ve totally got into this webcam marlarky. I never put mine on, but i do ‘people watch’ others. It sounds so dirty….and yes it quite frankly is.

So a good friend of mine, who i often get drunk with and exchange clothes with in bars, was at The Abbey in LA yesterday. Sunday afternoon is ‘good times’ at The Abbey in LA during the Summer months. I’ve sinned a lot and lost my dignity on many a Sunday and far to willingly within those semen stained gates. Anyway, he sent me a message telling me that 3 steamy hot men in pink speedos, with spank sticks, sexual pleasure packs and holding sun screen in order to rub down burning bodies came up to him and simply asked, ‘Where’s Chrissie Wunna?

I am SOOOOO on the wrong continent!! Fuck work over here in dear old Blighty. The fun people are in pink speedos, with pleasure packs and asking for ME goddamit!!! I have my priorities all messed up. The sheer thought of missing all the speedo fun, is making me want to gauge my own eyes out. It’s soo annoying. But i’m on an adventure, so i guess for now i have to deal with the pain. It’s like a Stiletto to the heart.

I’ve just had someone tell me they want to ‘kidnap’ me and take me to a ‘cavern.’ Erm…? That doesn’t sound too romantic to me. It sounds soo Fred West. Which i’m totally up for, however just not the ‘buried under the patio’ part. The sexual abuse section doesn’t seem so bad. I’m knocking on, i need all the feel ups i can get.

Glamour Glamour Puss Puss

Just risen from my chambers, with a cat on my face. I couldn’t sleep all night, as for some reason i could hear a Circus in my room, everytime i tried to get some shut eye. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? I’m the kinda girly that needs her sleep. If i’m being disturbed…even if it’s by an imaginary Circus, then i’m an annoying WHORE of a crazy lady.

I’m about to go shopping, so i’m keeping this brief. It’s a Doncaster day today, as i always spend Sundays with my family. Yesterday i invested in eating a RAW wild boars sausage, which made me somewhat sick , followed by a prune eating test. Like i said, life on the ‘Z’ list, isn’t as fun as it used to be. I was dared out of sheer boredom to eat 22 seedless prunes, in order to see if it would give me diahorrea. The funny thing is that it actually did. I firstly had a severe case of the ‘trumps’ that smelt like ‘wild boar’ and then a tummy ache so bad, that if i didn’t spend some quality time with the toilet bowl…i may have probably DIED (Stop the cheering!)…and from eating PRUNES!

I loved ‘Britains Got Talent ‘last night, especially the really rubbish, yet somewhat GENUIS  DJ Talent. (‘If i say Britain.You say Talent. Britains got talent. It’s the DJ Talent.’) He’s like a hip/hop-child molester version of Timmy Mallet after half a bottle of malt whisky. I want him in my entourage. Alongside, the five people i put in my ‘Who i’d want on my side in a bar fight’ Quiz on Facebook. The special selection (and i would really want these people on my side in a bar fight) are as follows: Gary Glitter (everyones scared of a Paedophile.) Midgets. (They’re good for the crazy running around and ankle nibbling.) Pussy Galore. (Just because she had ‘Pussy’ as her name.) A Sumo Wrestler, that eats children for breakfast. (As children are by far the worst.) And ‘this little pervert.’ (You always have to add in another pervert. Even the strongest man alive is scared of a boney fingered pervert.)

Other than that i spent most of the day talking to Fernando this dreamy chunk of italian hunk, who i’ll never meet, yet adores me anyway. He has been dating a young lady for 3 weeks, but has made the rather wrong but executive decision to want to date me. I promised myself i wouldn’t flirt with him, but then something took over me and i found myself typing ‘Come to Mama’ on his Facebook wall. (Hahahaha. Delicious. It’s a classic Wunna move.) Boys are quite foolish. I’m awful to date.  Lots of fun, yet simply AWFUL. I seriously am a merry pain in anyones arse. Saying that my favourite type of boy is a ‘latin lover’ type….so bring it on Fernando (who i’ll never meet anyway.) Oh and i’m gutted that i missed the Manchester United match yesterday. GUTTED. I’ve rooted for Man U, ever since i realized how hot the boys on that team are. Ronaldo took his shirt off. HOW DID I MISS THAT!!!! I’m losing my touch. The old Chrissie Wunna would NEVER have missed such a feast.

God, my stomach actually still kills from eating those fucking prunes. Hahahaha! Going shopping. See you there!