Luckily i carry Ruffies

Okay so you know you’re a proper loser when you actually wake up early, on a fine Thursday morning and everyone is like, ‘What the fuck has happened?’ Why are you even up!!!’ (Almost as if, the world has come to its very merriest of ends.) I’ve told lots of lies, as to why i’m up early….y’know to glam it up a little. I’ve claimed ‘still drunkness,’ mental illness, physical illness, work and general being Queen of Greatness. However, the actual truth is…my eyes just opened. I was up! Just like that! Then the cat rubbed it’s bum juices in my face, and started the day with a bang (and a mouth full of fish swish.)

Last night i was miserable, because i felt soo ill. I think i was just exhausted and my mind and body was telling my general world to fuck off and come back later. I wallowed in self pity, twittered my moments, listened to me a bitch to a boy, and therefore watch him be a bitch right back, blew my nose a  couple of times, grabbed my other 7 personalites and went off to bed. Woke up feeling so much better. I mean i’m still a bit sick, and i do feel horrid for being a twatasaurus to most human beings last night. Yet i’ve been assured by a dear good friend, that it is simply the beauty of Chrissie Wunna. (And i’m going with that.) TRAGIC!! I’m hilarious when tired. I turn over to the dark side almost immediately and HATE everything! I stomp around like a 5 year old, just pulling uneccessary faces of disgust at very pretty things and begin pushing unwilling objects off tables and shelves and making ginormously ridiculous demands on myself. Then i stomp some more, lock things in basements and swear like a sailor…until i’m fed up, or have simply worn myself out. But i’m all good now. Infact, i feel GREAT! I mean there were a few broken hearts and a few tortured feelings, but really…i’m not that bothered. Bring on the next few lines of my story.

Talked to one of my LA friends last night. It seems i’ve fooled them into believing that England is a better place to come start a career on the telly. I went from being a Hollywood nuisance, to being a Hollywood nuisance, but on British reality TV, and to them…it looks brilliant. To me, it’s just another story to tell. I mean, i’m now the ‘terrfying plastic doll from Pontefract, with a voice like Chlamydia, who stuck feathers on her jubblies to win a friend.’ I’m way up there on the Hollywood list of Greatness! They’re moving to London to find stardom and wanting to sleep with all the girls along the way.

I told them that London was tiny and hardly the place to start a flourishing love life, with the ladies being a lot less slaggy and all that good stuff. The response i recieved was, ‘Good, the smaller the town, the less places there are for the girls to run.’ Unfortunately i assured my friend, that due to him being quite a tragic video library ‘Loser’ and a tad bit ‘sleeps with MILFs because they want it more Rankster,’  that the ladies of London, would 100% squeal with fright and find places to hide out of sheer desperation. His very Hollywood response, (after going on about how ‘pimpy’ he was for a good few boring moments) was: ‘Luckily i carry ruffies.’ HAHAHAHA! TREMENDOUS. (Note to all males: I’m immune to ruffies. Slip one in my drink and you’re really just hooking me up! Makes everything taste better! She wipes her chops!) It’s the Hollywood way. Every girl has to be immune to ruffies by the age of 19. But saying that the boys just move onto the ‘conversation and hennessey’ tactic, followed by purchasing your affection, followed by lies, love, viscious manipulation, blackmail  and then erm…sex without consent?

Anyway i’ve godda go, i’ve got to saunter my way up to London. I’ve just booked a hotel and it took me years of the donkey to do so….as i couldn’t find anywhere that had ITV2 on a big screen, in a lounge that i could watch at 9pm, with a drink in my hand. Now i have. CHAMPION!!! Infact, i’m not that excited to watch the show tonight. I’m terrified. I can’t really remember what happened? I just remember it not being too great and that i was sooo incredibly exhausted! So i’m not sure why i bothered going to all that hotel hunting, need ITV2 trouble?? I’m useless! So yeah. On way way to London Bitches! Its not as exciting this time around.

Chrissie Wunna

1 thought on “Luckily i carry Ruffies

  1. i hope u havea good day treacle and that i all goes wel for u tonight i might not be able to watch it but if i cant i will ask u what happens dont pipe if i ask best of luck chrissie tada

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