Ooch-Chi-Wally-Wally

So i’m currently on a train to London. It’s kinda a little vacation from working, but not at all as it seems i’m working all the time. It’s not even 1pm and i’ve already been to three different towns for work. I’ll be at Vendome tonight with Samuel…so at least i’ll beable to let the old hair down. I’m excited! (She purrs…) I’m surrounded by a bunch of odd people who have opted for staring at me  and it could be because i’m dressed like a hopeless Barbie yet on a laptop which confuses them, or it could just be that i have too much fake tan on, which clashes with my lime green jacket?? Who knows? I love it! I feel sexy as hell today and unfortunately slightly big headed. REJOICE!! (haha)

To my left is a big blind lady, who’s black guide dog is eating my ankle. She keeps talking to me, offering me wine gums and telling me that her daughter is a slag because she keeps pushing babies out. I think she just said, ‘She needs to keep her knickers on.’ Hilarious! The gentleman to my left has ‘Trapdoor’ (yes from the kids tv show) as his ring tone, which he scores 10 points for as he is cleverly disguised as an elderly stuffy business man. He looks like fun. That’s why i keep winking at him and deliberately stretching, so my boobs stick out. Whore much? (Shut it…it works every time!! How do you think i get through this life!! Helped me pass my driving test.)

I have an Indian man sitting across from me, who is thankfully asleep, as when he was awake he was being a bit of a pervert and perfoming this bizarre sequence of ‘sex’ faces at me, whilst gentle cupping his balls, with his legs wide open. I tried to throw a squashed  up reciept (that i cleverly turned into a ball) into his mouth. Luckily i have awful aim and it glided through the air and dropped right infront of me. I’m a shit thrower, i’m better at pulling things a wee bit closer. Now i can smell pot??? You can always smell fucking pot on trains! I don’t know why they bother. I mean it can’t be any fun being McStoned on this bumpy ass ride of a train..with me in the background trying to make you paranoid by staring at you like you’ve just smoked pot. (haha.) I hate stoners! You lazy herbal bastards!

I’ll be pulling itno london shortly me thinks, where i’ll be trundling off to Regents Park to check into my hotel. I guess Obama (that hot stallion of a man) is in town making it impossible for unimportant hoochies like me to get hotel rooms ANYWHERE worth staying in London. I usually stay at The May Fair, yet they have no room at the inn. Sooo terribly Baby Jesus of me. Now i’m forced to stay at the Melia White House Hotel (whatever that is?)..hopefully it’ll be okay? I just need to relax, have drinks, have fun and spin around as fast as i can to the music going on in my life.

I’m now a bit fed up of everyone staring at me on the train, so i’m going to quit blogging…(i just kicked the guide dog in the face, cos i’ts gunging up my ankle and making me smell of ‘beast,) and plug in my ipod. I intend to drown out my environment with ipod Hip Hop music…which i might try to sing a long very loudly to for random comedic value. I need coffee. I’m exhausted!

Chrissie Wunna

Trout Anyone?

Having a bit of a thinky. I’m working very hard right now writing away about my little whore of a life, and figuring out my path in it. I’ve always tried to take the road far less travelled and make it work for me. It hardly ever does, yet then i’ll trip up, swear like a sailor and find myself on top of this ginormous pot of gold! I’m just lucky, i guess? Or clumsy. I need to up the pace….fall around a bit more.

I often get lazy and i need to stop doing that and start pulling up my frilly socks. Everyone around me, is seeing this bubbling cauldron of glittery potential and trying their absolute hardest to keep me focussed, because as we know i’m quite fond of the little ‘party party ohh-arr.’ I owe it to myself and to them to buckle down and listen to these ‘Smarties.’ Madness is marvellous, however i’m slowly realizing  that there needs to be some sort of punctuation, in order for it to work. Everyone i know who has become hugely successful has dedicated and sacrificed a great deal to earn their position on the Ladder of Greatness. I want to earn mine. I want to stick around. I want to produce interesting works! Things are a changing. I’m fucking growing up and fast! I know what i want, i’m shifting my priorities. I’m loving my life and intend to make my dreams come true!! I’m not gonna get there if i don’t start getting my head down and thundering the effort. I am the Queen if winging everything. I half ass something and  these crazy miracles happen. So maybe if i actually concentrated a little more…beyond miracles may shower upon me? I’m thinking very hard (yes it hurts) and i’m sorting it RIGHT NOW! It’ll all pay off in the end. The only thing i seem to be dedicated to is my blog and that’s because i love it. The Wunna is about to get her ‘Va Voom’ revved up and shoot forward in this little think called life. (Sit back, ‘cos i’m a shit driver!)

I’m also wondering why can’t i stop being a twat? I love all forms of silliness, the art of the ‘jack ass’ the mad cap eccentricities of my being. I can’t stop myself from taking the silly way around. Your carefully walking and i’m bouncing around the block topless on a space hopper.. in diamonds. I have a deep rooted peculiarity of constitution. Which is simply a very decorated way of saying, ‘ I’m a  fucking idiot!’ I do go around branding plenty of people ‘idiots’ yet i justify it by placing myself in that catergory also. I think i’m gonna start being nicer?

I’ve just recieved a message from a gentleman stating he would like to ‘Have a go in my hole.’ I have to put up with this flowery behaviour on a daily basis. It’s a little distracting, yet i guess i bring it on myself. I definitely give out the wrong impression, but again that’s because it humours me. My poor little vagina takes an emotional beat down. It gets more fan mail/hate mail than i do. I think she needs a petting or a cuppa tea. I’m getting a great deal of male attention right now and i do like it, yet it seems my ‘Dome of popularity’ my Mary Poppins (which is odd that i call it that, as it’s also the name i gave to  ginger BBF Laura Meakin in the house,) is something that many a ‘wrong type of’ blokey wants to nail. I don’t mind at all really, as i do on occasion fancy a bit of ‘securing.’ Yet boys you are under the misconception that you venture in a boy and come out a MAN…and probably becuase i bark on about it being that way. Yet really honnies, you just get gunked in girl spunk. Do i smell trout?

Chrissie Wunna

Say a Little Prayer

Woke up at 5am this morning. I had to work. The unfortunate thing about waking up at 5am, on a morning that turns into Spring, is that it’s actually 4am. UGH! But a hookers got to do, what a bitch just won’t. (Makes no sense??) Anyway, did a freezing cold early morning shoot in Birmingham for a little something or other, and after 2 hours of posing and just getting the job done..(everyone knows to not talk to me that early in the morning…if i haven’t slept, proceed with caution…one minute i’m as quiet as a mouse, the next i’m yelling at you, like i have dynamite shoved up my ‘Goodness!!’)

Since i was in Birmingham, i thought i’d stop off at the Buddhist meditation temple. Sounds odd, but i do go on occasion and say a little prayer, catch a few blessings. God knows i need them! I spent most of the day surrounded by the Burmese and 10 very bald, orange robed buddhist monks. (Hilarious!) I gave each monk gifts of toothpaste, soap and moisturiser, which was quite difficult really, as they’re not allowed to touch ladies…(only slags. haha! Bad joke.) My friend thought it would be funny to push me into one. Yeah…it wasn’t! I ended up on my arse, heels in the air, after having to try and dodge a monk!

Not being funny or anything but i did have to do a lot of waiting…which i depsise. I’m not late for anything EVER. I can’t even bare the thought of it. I’m that bad!! Anyway, these monks were taking a jolly long time to cross my path (which i thought was a little inconsiderate) and ‘the Burmese’ around me were all elbows, cameras and Chanel sunglasses…so i found a random bench to sit on and started reading about prostitutes, hard lives and orgies going wrong. Not quite sure how an orgy could go wrong really?? Well unless you’ve hit the moment where you’re the ‘odd man out,’ the Billy no mates, with nothing to do but twiddle ya thumbs by the broken washing machine, whilst everyone else gets their jollies. Haha! Orgies are never as ‘Arabian nights’ fun as they are in the Carry-on series are they? The only ‘snake charmer’ you’ll find is some toothless fatty, who smells like semen, with an anchor tattooed on her arm, rubbing herself up to some guy named John. (They’re always called ‘John.’) I’m not a fan of the old ‘orgy.’ It’s hard enough pleasing one person (and that’s ME) let alone 10 others!!! It’s just a bit too messy and a bit too mucky for my liking. HAHAHA! How have i gone fromm buddhist monks to orgies??? I’m officially going to hell! (See you there bitches!) I’m also a germiphobe, so an orgy is somewhat devastating.

Anyway, the rest of the day, once the meditation part started was fantastic. I love buddhist temples as they’re always so warm and decorated like Vegas. It’s all gold, fusia and orange, with tinsel, candles and OTT-ness. My favourite! 10 monks chanted, and i sat and prayed. I do, do this quite often. People don’t know that about me. I’m quite a spritiual little thing….plus anything you can do to take 30 mintues out of work, gets a two thumbs up from me. I prayed next to a Burmese granny named ‘Mavis.’ She was 73, adored me and had this loving kindness, this warmth that made me want to hold her forever!! She was like a female George Takei with granny glasses and a fluffy hat. I am IN LOVE with her. I hope to god that i grow into her when i’m 73. Soo adorable. So gentle. Yet we all know, i’ll just be laying  trollied in some gutter in leopard print, holding onto some cardboard award i won for tap dancing… claiming it was an Oscar!

I prayed. I am one with God. I’m a little concerned that the head monk, (who was in his bald head and orange robe,) was wearing navy blue slippers with Homer Simpson printed on them.. holding up a large pint of ‘Duff ‘beer. He went down the line blessing everyone….BUT ME!! He literally skipped me. Mavis got a little ‘ooh-arr,’ the next gentleman in line, recieved a few softly spoken words…HE (fucking) SKIPS ME…(hahahaha, like he daren’t come near me) and then puts his hand on the head of the old man next to me…and gives him the full works! I’ll go along way. Stardom better hurry up and get to beckonning. I don’t know how much longer i can take this!

Chrissie Wunna

I love Salad Bar

Insane day today! Lots of pathetic busy-boding around, in the pouring rain. The wind was so gusty it actually blew my own eyelashes off my face. You know you’re a whorey trollop, when your eyelashes are actually ‘Gone with the wind.’ I was literally having to hold them on with my boney fingers….in the bloody RAIN!!  (Tragic!!! ) Anyway, I’m quite proud of my fat self today because i actually managed to be productive. It seems all you need to do in life in order to be productive…is to simply BE productive. 10 points to me!! I actually posted very important ‘to be posted’ stuff and in the chuffing rain!! Hurrah!! Finally!! I’ve been quite useless just recently. I was told that i had gotten a little too complacent due to my rather successful blog. (Broke my own record of hits again bitches!) And so i needed a little knocking down a few peggies. I got that! I’m all good again. I’m back on planet Earth. (But not for long you slags!)

I had so much to do today, and i’m kinda still doing them, yet i feel marvellous. (I’m currently stuffing my face with curried kidneys and rice.) I worked a lot, shopped a lot, winked a lot and it seems that i’m so tragic now that i actually carry my own pad of paper and pen with me, incase anyone should ask for my autograph. What is WRONG with me?? I was in River Island today (love the store) and a teenage girl, with her lovely mum approached me and asked for a little ‘Piccy-Piccy-Sign.’  They didn’t have pen or paper with them, so i pulled both pen AND paper out of my bag of tricks (tragic) and signed sweet nothings for the lovely ‘Charlotte.’ God, i’m such a loser. But fuck it, i loved it! And so did she!! With a camera phone click, and a ‘can i add you on Facebook’… it was all done, and i went back to purchasing a neon dress…in lime. Delicious! Don’t care who you are or what you do! I’m in flipping NEON!!

I missed my friends birthday pub crawl today. They were doing this thing where you get on a train and have a drink at each stop, in the station pub. As this merry madness was occuring, i unfortunately was sitting in a bank, looking at the tits on cashier #2. She was one hell of a battle axe, a large set woman, with the face of a bull dog, but had the chest of ultimate excitement!! It was all bulbus and swollen. It was HUGE!! I think i had minor sexual feelings towards her….well until my bacon butty came. (Nice tits love, but it aint nothing compared to this piece of sweaty pork!)

Other than the shopping, the shoot and the everything else. During my break i managed to run as fast as i could (which is a slow totter) to Morrisons to grab me some ‘salad bar.’ I’m obsessed with Salad bars in grocery stores. Yes it’s odd. But there’s a lot worse going on in this world my dear children. (cough*Gary Glitter*cough.) In the end the rain got the better of me, and i simply couldn’t face it. So in true Chrissie Wunna style, i persuaded a darling of a lovely, with kind words, love and severe bullying to go get me some fucking salad bar! I kept screaming ‘NOOOOOOW!!’ NOOOOOW’ and stomping my feet until they simply couldn’t stand me anymore. It works wonders!

However…when they left, i felt all alone and lonely. It’s the rain, it always makes you feel like shit. So i wound down the windows of the car i was sat in..(it was blue) and turned the radio up full blast. It was hilariously loud and deliberate to annoy as many people as possible. So there’s me sitting in this tiny blue car, with ‘The Macarena’ (hahaha…love it) sounding out of the windows, full BLAST, in the fucking rain, with bunny ears on! (Long story.) Everyone kept giving me those, ‘Why are you even alive on this planet with me’ faces! HAAAHAHAHAH! I’m a tit!

Then i decide to get out of the car, as surely the girl i blackmailed into getting me my salad bar, would not make correct salad bar choices. (Which drives me insane!!) So i start aimlessly tottering out and around the parking lot, looking for help and my dignity all in pink and fur….ONLY to find a car with the most annyoing alarm beeping from it, like some kind of digital whore of a fog horn. In this  car (Corsa…also blue, ) was a granny. She was seemingly terrfied and was doing faces at me like i should be helping her. Ofcourse i tried to ignore her! (hahaha) But then i thought, y’know what i should probably go check it out?? I got to the door and had second thoughts, as i had these shocking fears of the owner of the car approaching, seeing me trying to get the door of open, the alarm pounding off like i was raping a 3 legged donkey and well with some Granny sitting there, doing odd goldfish faces at me, all terrifed. So i waved, pretended i didn’t hear her and went to get my salad bar.

Feeling Finger Licking Good

Done wallowing in self pity! I had to have a moment of ‘get over yourself.’ Feeling amazing today, like i can ride the wave of a storm in nothing but heels. I’ve got a busy day for someone that was meant to be having a little day off. There’s no rest for the wicked, and wicked is certainly something i aspire to be! (Mwahaha!) For those of you with a case of ‘da blues’…the only way to get over it is to simply cheer up! That should be everyones motto in life. ‘CHEER the balls UP goddamit! I’m walking around seeing everyone pulling faces. Quit it, get happy!

I’ve got lots to do, like a shoot, and a couple meetings. I have a shopping trip with my Mother in Doncaster (so yes my cherubs, for those of you that want to meet me, i’ll be there today) and well i’m sorting out my show reel. My love life is currently divine. Which makes a good old change. ‘Latin Lover’ is being everything i need him to be right now, and well… i’m still being a tit of  nuisance, yet luckily he likes it. I’ve got a lot on my plate as i’m aorting out two lives at once. My life in Britain which is difficult, because there’s a bundle more people who are less accpeting of The Wunna and her party tricks. (Middle finger to you all, and a sprinkle of rainow glitter.) And there’s my life in LA..which well always goes a great deal better than anything really.

I’m in a bit of a rush, so i’m finding it hard to be amusing at the same time as telling you my story. I will tell you that this morning my coffee tastes like chicken. CHICKEN!! Heellllo? I’m meant to be the Queen of jolly old Greatness! I’m sure i deserve a chicken-less tasting coffee before noon. There’s like lumps of fat swimming in it and glitter???? Haha! (I have ‘Poker face’ playing in the background. It’s rather distracting.)

My friend has a rash on his finger and he believes it’s from a chick he tried to sleep. He actually failed to bed her, because she decided to ‘do one’ at the last minute after he called her ‘Easy.’ How romantic. Smooth mover! I think it’s hilarious how he still mamanged to get an STD on his finger, without even having to have sex with the lady. It’s the way of the world! I think they should advertise condoms like they do PG tips, or Kitchen roll. Add a famous slut of a face to the campaign, like the boys who are hailed as ‘Serial Playboys” and i bet more of our ‘obsessed with celebrity’ youth would buy them, and maybe even use them instead of blowing them up? I never understood that??

Godda run

Chrissie Wunna

Too Cool For School

Just a pic of me and Samuel taken at the ‘Paris Hiltons British Best Friend’ Screening. (Molton House.) We had had 5 lychee martinis, a tremendous amount of vodka, a little bit of vino and still felt quite normal. The whole ITV and ITV2 crowd were there. They had all worked on the show. A great misty water coloured memory! Good times! (Samuels a Sexy hell of a  Bitch!)

Is it over yet?

Had the worst day ever! Sooo bad, it’s almost nearly hilarious. It’s just been one of those days of sheer horror. It’s been AWFUL! Luckily it’s almost nearly over. I don’t know whats wrong with me right now, but i’m starting to feel quite down, moody and well a tad bit bored? I need to snap out of it. This is insane!

So as we know, my Facebook account got pulled from under me last night. This shouldn’t be that bigger deal, yet it seems that i really am that much of a Loser and simply cannot live without it. I’m like a computer geek (who doesn’t really know how to work computers) cleverly disguised as a over eyelashed, slut of a bimbo. I’d got so use to talking to everyone on it, that even though i quite promptly set up a new Facebook profile this morning (which you all need to add yourselves to) it’s just not the same. I’ve lost all of my friends. It sucks!!  And now they all think i’ve deleted them. UGH!!

The worst thing about it all, was the fact that it made me resort to actually taking part in domestic duties, like cleaning floors and washing dishes, simply because i had nothing else to take my mind of it. I mopped my floors (quite badly, cos i had a face like a slapped arse) in booty shorts and the highest of heels, then watched male strippers gyrate infront of me, on my tv to pass the time. It worked for a good 10 minutes…until i realized the strippers were all terribly gay. It turned something sexual, into something oddly hilarious. It was like a big gay boy band. I loved it. I actually knew one of the boys ripping off his kit on ‘This Morning.’ He was one of the models hired for the BBF ’24hr Party Challenge.’ (That i fucking WON!!) The body work on that man, is delicious!

Everything i’ve touched today has simply fallen to pieces, teared away at the seams and dissolved into nothingness.  I FUCKING HATE IT!! It’s madness!! Then to top it all off, i’ve had evil messages from all kinds of meanies. You all need to get poked in the eyes, repeatedly by apes. Luckily my love life is GREAT! I called ‘Latin Lover’ today for a little kissy kissy, sympathy. He’s good at that! I’m missing him a great deal and i’m also missing LA quite badly right now. I think, i’m just in a mood, so i’m all ready for dropping everything, and running away into the wilderness, with my arms in the air whilst shouting the Lords Prayer. A dude has just agreed to marry me when i’m 60. I’m definitely moving up in the world. God i’m pathetic! Snap out of it Wunna! I mean, roll in the singing fat lady and call it a bloody DAY!

I need excitement

Chrissie Wunna

Madness or Magic?

Okay, so for those of you who are upset or complaining because you think i’ve deleted you from my Facebook…I HAVE NOT and WOULD NOT! Facebook has temporarily disabled my account, so i had to set up a new one earlier today. It would be impossible for me to find all my friends again, so being the lazy cow that i am, i figured you would find me! So yeah for sure…re add me! FACEBOOK is the Enemy!!!