So when you wake up inappropriately touching yourself, (and your teddy named ‘Spastic’) to a male you had in your mind from the night before…you know you must have had a decent date…right? Well maybe?? Unfortunately (and yes because i’m a tragic loser, but so ‘hot & on the telly’ that i get away with it) i decided to have my ‘date’ (so to speak) online….due to scary ‘previous night before’ dates, where i saw the ‘Winkies’ of ‘Wally’s’ in manky parking lots. I’m not one for the ‘online’ chatting up, as i associate this process with ‘jammmy jar eyed’ perverts or paedophiles. Yet they seem to do quite well, when it comes to pulling ass.. therefore i thought i might give a virtual relationship a try try!! (Like you already know this is gonna end badly. LOL) I puddled in my knick-knacks.
Okay so this guy, i’ll call him ‘Hughff’ (not very creative, as it is his actual last name…but hilarious because it sounds like a swear word or something you want to throw up…Y’know like ‘Hughff off’ …’i ‘hughffed’ up my dinner..) Anyway, He does sport, his talent is the ability to throw things very far and run very fast…which is quite impressive as that’s probably how this merry little tango of love will end. He’ll end up lobbing me through the air and doing one as fast as he fucking can in the other direction. But i hope not, as firstly that would mess up my hair and secondly i haven’t even had sex with him yet!!! I definitely don’t want to waste the opportunity of scrambling on top of ‘Hughff’ before he decides he’s going to hate me. (Sluts rocks!) Anyway, he’s at a tiny advantage because even though i haven’t seen him in almost 10 years or whatever…we did actually go to school together.( The year below me.) I didn’t really talk to ‘Hughff’ in school, but he’s grown into ‘MAN’ now…so it’s a whole different story…(She winks and grabs her over-used dildo.) But really you can only mark yourself a bit fat ‘Zero,’ when your trying to find Mr.Right and you’ve already mentioned ‘Spastic’, fingering, paedophiles and Hughffing. Please save me from myself.
So as of right now i fancy him a bit, and he apparently thinks i’m a bit of a dish too. Therefore we made the executive decision to ‘virtually’ date (to get to know each other better)….like perverts, via Facebook…whilst we were also on the phone. It makes it easier…that way. All the things you can’t say…like ‘Maybe i could lick ur arse’ (which is what he typed, whilst talking about very normal things like.. ‘the weather’ on the phone. I love the use of the word ‘Maybe’. Like he’s trying to disguise his mucky mind, via tricks of ever so polite questioning,) can simply be IM-ed. It’s cool, cos u can be like ‘Yeah i have kittens’ (Please let me lick ur sweaty cock.) ‘I think the weathers gonna be okay at the weekend.’ (Maybe i could lick ur arse.) Tragic innit.
It’s basically going okay because ‘Hughff’ has the ability to dare to take the ultimate piss out of me…which is something i enjoy. And yes it is kinda ‘School boy/Playground’ tactics…but it’s working in his favour….FOR NOW. He has no problem telling me what a twat i am, followed up with some perverted ‘can you video yourself topless running, and mail it to me please,’ with a very polished ‘Save’ of telling me how beautiful i am. It’s like typical player tactics, which is okay….but like i said…FOR NOW. I’m gonna need a whole lot more of the ‘lovey dovey.’ (Cut me some slack, i’ve just been out on a date with Where’s fucking Wally???’ At least Hughff doesn’ t have a brother with Aids.) Yes, he makes me laugh and yes he’s a decent balance of ‘most of the right things’ and yes he’s very sweet to me…but it’s early days yet. I question him and his motives, as there’s something just not quite right??
We talked a lot. (Even though he never wants to really talk to me, answer his phone or meet me.) We covered how i refuse to believe that i was conceived via boring sex. That he could have Chlamydia , if he ever ‘porks’ me and that how NOT meeting me, works in his favour as he’s probably better at sex in my imagination. I’ve ‘hughffed it’ to him, a couple times now. Yet after a two second ‘ooh-ugh-ugh’ i’m completely over it all. ( HAHAHAHA.) Maybe that predicts how this fairytale will end. Not very Cinderella of me. More Michael Jackson fingering Macauley Culkin, in his ‘Home Alone ‘days.
All i’m gonna say is roll on date 3. He may be good via typing and phone calls, but until i fleshy meet him, and see whether he can really cause a party in my panties….this floozey isn’t gonna get too excited….HAHAHA! Oh lord. I’m a mess. (27 Hail Mary’s)