In London Bitches

Well almost…i’m actually this minute on a train, opposite a granny, with a green berret on, who’s reading a book called, ‘Not Dead Enough.’ I missed my first train because i couldn’t carry my bags up the stairs fast enough…(this is why i need a male by my side always,) so i had to plonk myself on the next merry ride to London…whilst waving at children who now think i’m the best thing EVER, cos i got my tits out last night on the telly. (I’m a Great Role Model!! Innit!)

So, i have one stop until i reach Kings Cross. I’m gonna zoom over to The May Fair, where i’ll be staying until Monday. I should be meeting a boy in a wee bit..if he shows up and i’ve schdeculed drinks with Sexual Samuel. Loving it!! I’ll be having lotsa fun tonighta…i hope. I haven’t eaten all day, so i’ll prolly be TRASHED…and i believe i’m gonna be turning up at ‘No.5 Cavendish’ for a little winky wink, pout, later. So stay tuned…as i can’t fucking type on a train. It’s  bit wobbly!!!

Slag Much?

Chrissie xxx

Eye Candy For the Girls

        

       

Since i’m having a day where i celebrate my Fans of the Chick Variety..I thought i might give you a little treat of ‘Guy Candy’ for being so good to me, as i’m sure you’re sick of seeing my boobies. They are hardly a treat for the Femmes. Especially for those of you who are only 14 and should not be viewing such Pirate behaviour. Anyhow, here are some of my guy friends in LA. My ‘Band of Merry Men.’ (Aww…bless em.) I have stories with each of them. We have lied, cheated, laughed, cried, partied, yelled, kept secrets and wanted with each other, whilst trying to make our merry dreams come true! I’m sorry the piccies are a bit ‘shirtless- muscle ‘ooh-arr’  but they’re all a bit slaggy like Me, so it’s hard to find pictures of them with actual clothes on. This is only a few of them. Delicious! 10 points! Feel free to perv away girls.. (BBF Flic is a bit of a pervert, like my good self,  so she’ll sure as hell have her eyes squashed up to the screen!! LOL)

Enjoy!!

Meet Bram, Jake, Brandon, Theo, Ronnie, Dylan, Justin, Lee and Corey.

Silly But Sexy

Shot in LA, from when i was ‘Lust’s’ Favourite Pin Up,’ girl. (Lots of merry tragic events have happened since this bubbly fresh faced time of smiles.. LOL..But i’m still GREATNESS-ish. Cut me some slack. I’m an ageing sex symbol.)

The Ego has Unfortunately landed and boners

Woke up this morning thinking…’Hang on a second??’ I’m the Queen of fucking Greatness!!! Why am I scrambling around for boys and trying to make them love me? I don’t need to do that? (Ever so humble, i know…lol) I’m a bloody hollywood legend. I’m everything that any boy could possibly want for need in his life. (I will get over myself by the next paragraph…honest!) So I’ve re-found my strength, my Va Voom, my infamous ‘Sass’ and thinking…i don’t chase boys!! They CHASE ME!! It’s how it works, it’s how it always works and it’s how it works for ME! Yeah baby! I feel happy, secure, strong and so ‘Ooh laa.’ I don’t need a ton of boys to love me. (Wait! Yes i do!!) I just need ONE to love me right.

Earlier i  got a phone call from one of my guy friends in LA who ever so politely said, What the fuck is wrong with you Wunna??? You don’t need to chase. They’re just fucking terrified. So middle finger to their stiff upper lip. They got one shot at being Wunna’s happily ever after and if they fuck that up…then that’s on them! Flip a bitch Baby! You ain’t going down like that!’

I guess due to a moment of insecurity i forgot that i’m adored, worshipped and praised by the masses. (HAHA) So in true British style, Miss.Wunna is going to tend to ‘Flippin’ a bitch/Pulling a U-ey/Switchin-a-roo.’ However not too thoroughly as i’m really not one for being chased too far. I’m more chase me three steps, stop and let me pounce on you. It’s the hollywood mentality. If you want it…you fight to get it…. and it’s yours! I’m attracted to forward ‘know what they want and not afraid to go get it’ kinda guys. I think it’s sexy. (I mean i have that ‘can throw things boy’  in mind, but we’ll see? He seems a little un-interested. Lol. Which doesn’ t really work in my favour, now does it?)

I’m all for the Girls today! Do not forget how powerful you are my Chickadees. We are the objects of their desire. It’s sexy, it’s how the ‘magic’ works. I love men, i do. I find ultimate solace in their arms and i really want to be in the arms of one right now…but only if they dare to get their ‘hunt’ on. (‘Cunt’ on.) If they want you bad enough, they will come and get you. And if they don’t then…i’m sorry for giving you shit love life advice!! Lol. So put down those stalker glasses (we’ve all done it…i’m not judging…haha. I once followed a boy for a whole day until he stopped, laughed, called my cell phone and said, ‘I can see you following me Chrissie.’) So no more accidentally showing up in all the same places girls, or scanning their Facebook friends list . Let them do the work. Guys love it. (They don’t really.) It gets their ‘downstairs’ going, makes their Jungle McRumble, makes their heart beat that bit faster…which is simply code for ‘Gives them a right good STONKER!!’ (And as we know, Men with good Stonkers..always finish….all over you?) Boys with boners fail to think straight. They fumble and become misted over with this haze of ‘godda have it- squirt-squirt.’ Use this merry phase to your advantage. God i love my life. It’s a wonderous series of really shit jokes, that only I find funny.

Sing me out Sisters! (‘You shoulda put a riiiing on it!’)

Chrissie Wunna

Episode 5

OOOoooooh fucking Noooooooo! I quite probably have no BBF friends left!! (HAHA) I have just got done having one of those merry ‘Why the balls did i say that’ moments, but over and over and over again!! OMG! Lol. Like how many more times can i just blurt things out. (Jesus!) But in my defense…it was true and FUCKING HILARIOUS! I’d say it all over again…but a great deal bitchier and wink after each statement. Oh Lord slap me.

I loved the talent show. Even though by far Samuels performance was the BEST! I watched him rehearse it sooo many times, and was rolling all over the floor with laughter. (Yet, i was having sex with him during that time in the house, especially in that blond wig and those horny little specs…therefore my judgement could be a little biased. We all tried that wig on and it certainly brought the ‘skank’ out in us. ) If only you could see what we were doing off camera. So much has been cut out. Anyway,  He was Little Ho Cheap, who had fucked his sheep. I looked like a washed up magicians assistant and Flic was simply gangsta!!! I think we did well, even though there was a moment when Sam, Flic and I were just glaring at each other, thinking ‘what have we become?’ We didn’t really take ourselves seriously. We did a decent job. Paris ROCKS!!!! I got shoes. INNIT!!

Now i watched the show i do actually feel sooo bad for Carrie, cos we did think she was a bit wet, (and not the good kind.) I do now think she’s just a ‘fluffy’ girl, after seeing the episode (bless her)…and i officially don’t hate her. We’re just very different girls, she’s sooo naive and it took me some time to understand her. Yet i do think after watching Emma go at her at the breaky table…that it’s not really Carrie’s who’s evil!! (HAHA) We were all pissing ourselves at Emma (note: her best friend in the house) just go to town on her like that!!! Jesus! It was a shocker. We were like ‘Calm down ‘Miss. Imbruglia.’ (‘I’m all out of Faith.’) HAHAHAHAHAH!! You had to be there. Honest to god you did! It’s all we heard for 6 hours straight!!

At this time in the house, Emma realised Carrie was not the most liked person and this could rub off on her big time. So she completely decides to switch ‘teams.’ (And i don’t mean go lesbian… well maybe…. fanny snackers rock…i just mean, not hang around Carrie anymore, so she can win.) I actually felt bad for our little Caz, but i love the ‘I had a bit of an accident in the bathroom’ line. (HAHAHAHA!)

Can’t think of anything else to write really. You should’ve watched it. I’m knackered! Night! x

Paris’s Breast Friend??

So this morning i wake up to this!! There’s the ‘Slum Dog Millionaire’ gang, a bit about David Cameron and his baby, Miss. Jade Goody during her hard times, with her lovely new husband and then on top of all that, right next to ‘Peggy Mitchell’ (Good ole’ Babs) are my ‘Good ole’ Babs!’ My TITS!  The Jubblies! ‘Le Rack!’ Once again my bitchy boobs, rape me of my limelight and become showbiz gossip as they tragically try to beat me out the way and entertain Miss. Hilton….in fucking feathers!! Some of you had eggs for breakfast…I had an eyeful of my ‘first born kids’ being whores. I didn’t raise them well. (Mummy didn’t love them…she beat them with wooden spoons, until they cried, and winked at strangers) Hopefully you’ll be tuning  in this merry evening, as not only will there be a bit of ‘Wunna Bum Titty,’ but you’ll also be blessed with the presence of ‘DJ Flicsta’ and ‘Little Hoe Cheap!’ (Who fucked her sheep! And i really don’t suggest you find them!!!) 

‘Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend’  itv2- 9pm TONIGHT

It’s Chrissie Wunna Bitches!!!

Wunna Play On Me

Last night ‘Cavali’ (yes the one that designs dresses) proclaimed  i looked like a ‘Streeper.’ (I’m assuming and kinda quite hoping he meant ‘Stripper’) as according to the Urban Dictionary ‘The Streeper‘ is the merry ‘…. act of sucking out juices from the colon giving the victim an extremely chapped anus.’ But who knows? He could be a bit kinky like that.

Second date in Cyberland

So when you wake up inappropriately touching yourself, (and your teddy named ‘Spastic’) to a male you had in your mind from the night before…you know you must have had a decent date…right? Well maybe?? Unfortunately (and yes because i’m a tragic loser, but so ‘hot & on the telly’ that i get away with it) i decided to have my ‘date’ (so to speak) online….due to scary ‘previous night before’ dates, where i saw the ‘Winkies’ of ‘Wally’s’ in manky parking lots. I’m not one for the ‘online’ chatting up, as i associate this process with ‘jammmy jar eyed’ perverts or paedophiles. Yet they seem to do quite well, when it comes to pulling ass.. therefore i thought i might give a virtual relationship a try try!! (Like you already know this is gonna end badly. LOL) I puddled in my knick-knacks.

Okay so this guy, i’ll call him ‘Hughff’ (not very creative, as it is his actual  last name…but hilarious because it sounds like a swear word or something you want to throw up…Y’know like ‘Hughff off’ …’i ‘hughffed’ up my dinner..) Anyway,  He does sport, his talent is the ability to throw things very far and run very fast…which is quite impressive as that’s probably how this merry little tango of love will end. He’ll end up lobbing me through the air and doing one as fast as he fucking can in the other direction. But i hope not, as firstly that would mess up my hair and secondly  i haven’t even had sex with him yet!!! I definitely don’t want to waste the opportunity of scrambling on top of ‘Hughff’  before he decides he’s going to hate me. (Sluts rocks!) Anyway, he’s at a tiny advantage because even though i haven’t seen him in almost 10 years or whatever…we did actually go to school together.( The year below me.) I didn’t really talk to ‘Hughff’ in school, but he’s grown into ‘MAN’ now…so it’s a whole different story…(She winks and grabs her over-used dildo.) But really you can only mark yourself a bit fat ‘Zero,’ when your trying to find Mr.Right and you’ve already mentioned ‘Spastic’, fingering, paedophiles and Hughffing. Please save me from myself.

So as of right now i fancy him a bit, and he apparently thinks i’m a bit of a dish too. Therefore we made the executive decision to ‘virtually’ date (to get to know each other better)….like perverts, via Facebook…whilst we were also on the phone. It makes it easier…that way. All the things you can’t say…like ‘Maybe i could lick ur arse’  (which is what he typed, whilst talking about very normal things like.. ‘the weather’ on the phone. I love the use of the word ‘Maybe’. Like he’s trying to disguise his mucky mind, via tricks of  ever so polite questioning,) can simply be IM-ed. It’s cool, cos u can be like Yeah i have kittens’ (Please let me lick ur sweaty cock.) ‘I think the weathers gonna be okay at the weekend.’ (Maybe i could lick ur arse.) Tragic innit.

It’s basically going okay because ‘Hughff’ has the ability to dare to take the ultimate piss out of me…which is something i enjoy. And yes it is kinda ‘School boy/Playground’ tactics…but it’s working in his favour….FOR NOW. He has no problem telling me what a twat i am, followed up with some perverted ‘can you video yourself topless running, and mail it to me please,’ with a very polished ‘Save’ of telling me how beautiful i am. It’s like typical player tactics, which is okay….but like i said…FOR NOW. I’m gonna need a whole lot more of the ‘lovey dovey.’ (Cut me some slack, i’ve just been out on a date with Where’s fucking Wally???’ At least Hughff doesn’ t have a brother with Aids.) Yes, he makes me laugh and yes he’s a decent balance of ‘most of the right things’ and yes he’s very sweet to me…but it’s early days yet. I question him and his motives, as there’s something just not quite right??

We talked a lot. (Even though he never wants to really talk to me, answer his phone or meet me.) We covered how i refuse to believe that i was conceived via boring sex. That he could have Chlamydia , if he ever ‘porks’ me and that how NOT meeting me, works in his favour as he’s probably better at sex in my imagination. I’ve ‘hughffed it’ to him, a couple times now. Yet after a two second ‘ooh-ugh-ugh’ i’m completely over it all. ( HAHAHAHA.) Maybe that predicts how this fairytale will end. Not very Cinderella of me. More Michael Jackson fingering Macauley Culkin, in his ‘Home Alone ‘days.

All i’m gonna say is roll on date 3. He may be good via typing and phone calls, but until i fleshy meet him, and see whether he can really cause a party in my panties….this floozey isn’t gonna get too excited….HAHAHA!  Oh lord. I’m a mess. (27  Hail Mary’s)

Chrissie Wunna

Love Me

Looking for a man to love me, hold me, need me, touch me. Someone to laugh out loud with, to tell my secrets to and to be my soft landing when i fall. (I should probably start by putting some clothes on!!!) I WILL find him! Roll on date number 2! Oh and really now, i do not need anymore pictures of your ‘dingle dangles’ (especially after last night!!) Unless they have your face on the picture somewhere!!! (And that doesn’t me, draw faces on your fucking knobs!! Jesus Christ!) I now have an inbox flooded with  pictures of Carrie that say ‘SLAP ME’ and hairy fucking PENIS.

My SHIT First Date

When your date ends with one of the two parties having to frantically escape and shout ‘Fuck THE HELL off,’ you know it’s a sign of happiness. Not really, OMG…it was terrible! And i’ve left my ‘DIRT’ belt in his fucking car. NOoooooooo! My ‘DIRT’ belt, is of great sentimental value to me. It’s made of diamantes and metal, and obviously spells out the word ‘DIRT.’ It did used to say ‘DIRTY’ but after 4 tequila shots in the Belmonte in LA and me accidently taking a Vicodine, (Oops..haha)  given to me by a boy that was trying to woo my heart…so to speak. I ended up passed out and waking up puking in this tiny room of red, on a red sofa, with trance music playing, a lime green fedora on my head, i remember a boy with an afro and a newspaper on my face. I looked down and the ‘Y’ had fallen off. It said it all for me really…It was the night my status shuffled over from being giggle, giggle ‘DIRTY’ to just plain old useless ‘DIRT.’ My other guy friend on the way home proceeded to shovel actual soil (dirt) from someones garden, into my Bloomingdales bag, so i’d always remember.. It’s weird as my ‘DIRT’ belt,  now reminds me to be clean….and that nuisance from last night HAS IT!!!!! (NOooooooooooooo!)

So anyway, he picks me up and we go to dinner. The car journey is extremely awkward because i could smell is nervousness…his sweaty palms. He didn’t really know what to say to me…but that was okay, as i’m use to such behaviour. I ultra glammed up my attire. I do this deliberately. It makes people feel uncomfortable, which makes me laugh…haha! I’m a moron. Not sure why my presence or attire brings out an awkward ‘whoosh’ of air, but it does creating a medium i flourish in!! It’s silent, it’s sexy and it all goes down hill from there really. I noticed that the more i complimented him, the more comfortable he felt, but then he kept going on about his brother ‘George’ who had AIDS and how horrible it is. Not being funny or anything, but that’s not a topic to repeatedly discuss on a first date. AIDS?? (Hahahahaha. Jesus CHRIST!) Every other line was about ‘George with AIDS.’ It’s all i remember about the him, who i’m going name ‘Widdle Worm.’ (I’ll get to that later.) I asked him a million questions, and the answers where just ‘George has AIDS.’ I mean, what the HELL is WRONG with you???? How fucking romantic. It’s like ‘Georgey Pordgey Pudding and Pie, Kissed the Girls and made them…..(this is a bad joke) DIE!!

Went to dinner, which was lovely. Especially because there was booze. ‘Widdle Worm’ kept calling me ‘Chrissie Wunna’ the whole night,which was a bit odd? (Yeah, i’m aware it’s my name…but we’re on a date, not having a school register!!) ‘So Chrissie Wunna what do you like to do’ (Erm…pose topless.) ‘So what does Chrissie Wunna want to drink?’ (Well Anything …to stop me hearing you.) He was very obsessed with my life, my world, my job and well everything. Which i actually like because i love hearing and talking about myself and its good that he takes an common interest in the stuff that i do. (Like i hate it when a boy comes up to me and says ‘Oh i don’t read your blog, or I don’t watch your show, or i don’t like models but…..i like you.‘) Why tell me you don’t like  anything i DO, to try and get into my knickers!?! LOL. I’m an ego maniac. I don’t like that!

Luckily, he got TRASHED after about 2 glasses of wine. (Which i don’t like too much as he has to drive me home.) But he really relaxed, started being himself (liquid courage all the way) and started saying i looked like ‘Kimora lee Simmons.’ (Which again …i like. Hahah) The ‘Widdle Worm’ goes on to ask me who i thought HE looked like…. I hate games like this…as i feel like people are always fishing for compliments and i want to rebel against doing the right thing.  So i paused, thought and just said (in my Bimbo STD voice) ‘You look like Where’s Wally!’  (He  really did.) ‘Widdle Worm’ didn’t like me after that point of the evening! (HAHAHA) He is not someone to be teased or made fun of. (I should set him up with Carrie! They could create a world of sherbert and fountains and he could hide in crazy masses of people and tell her to find him!!)

Anyway date moves on to comdy Kareoke. I LOVE kareoke and all of my boyfriends need to love making a complete tit out of themselves….to music. So i go up and sing,  ‘I just called to say i love you, and Eminem ‘Shake that.’ I have fans now, so i can do anything up there and have people cheer, scream , worship me and want to take pictures! He goes up (and i can tell he’s terrified) especially because he made me choose his song…so i chose Dolly Partons ‘9-5’ for him. (HAHAHAHA) The point is, that it’s meant to be a piss take. Like in LA ‘Latin lover’ goes up there and sings ‘Beat it’ all off key… for kicks. ‘Widdle Worm’ can’t really hum a note, but decides he going to perform (or not perform) his song like it’s an X-factor audition and take it far too seriously, especially for such a venue. There were beer bellied tramps in there!! It’s really boring and i’m not even watching anymore, i’m having my picture taken and listenning to people shout ‘GET HIM OFF!’ ( I think i even shouted it once or thrice.) Anyway, i decide i’m gonna help him out, so i ungracefully climb back up on the stage, armed with a gaggled of ‘reality tv’ fans and we all start singing Dolly Parton, and beating the crap out of him! I actually lost him. All i remember shouting is ‘Where the fuck is Wally???

‘Widdle Worm’ drives me home. By this point i already know i’ll never want to hang out with him ever again and he starts taking a detour! A FUCKING DETOUR, where you either get raped or end up under someone patio.. after getting raped. So i ask him where he’s going?? He pulls into some manky parking lot and i’m pretending like i’m not TERRIFIED and thinking ‘why the fuck did i take it too far…i shouldn’t have called him Where’s Wally!’ Now i’m going to DIE for it!!) He says he wants to look at stars. ( Just look at me goddamit. I’m a fucking STAR!!) Anyway, we’re sitting in his car, and i’m deliberately trying to stare at the NO STARS in the sky out the window. I look back and he has it out! HE HAS his PENIS out! OUT!! Infront of me. Just flobbed out, right there, all ugly and squidgey, like a worm…which isn’t good for my Ego now is it!!

Don’t know what happened but i tried to pretend like he didn’t have it out! (HAHA!) I’m an idiot. So i just carried on looking at the NO stars in the sky and thinking this is worse than Hollywood. THEN he tries to beckon me toward him, (i DON’T MOVE.) He says nothing, but does eyes like i should probably suck him off. (Eww…i mean if i fancied him i’ would’ve massaged my chops and got to it…haa, but under circumstances of  ‘i never want to see you again’ this was not comfortable. I get out of his car and start walking. He comes to his senses and drives me home, with his ‘Widdle Worm’ back in his pants. Thank the LORD, and finishes his night by bald faced lying to me, by pointing at a beige stoney building, with a garden and a big blue sign and saying ‘I went to that School.’ Unfortunately for him, i did actually GO TO THAT SCHOOL…and if he went to that school, it would mean he was in my YEAR and i would know. I mean why lie about that? If you’re gonna make up a lie, go to fucking town on it!! Talk about Millions, hookers and elephant glitter explosions!! (Whatever that is? I have a vivid imagination.) Even his lies are no good.

Bottom line, i get home, he’s trying to pull me back into his car. I’m yanking myself away from him telling him to ‘FUCK OFF’ (hahaha.) He’s wasted and i slam his door, whilst strutting off into the distance…leaving my fucking ‘DIRT’ belt in his car!! NOoooooooooooooooooo! I’m either gonna now have to text him, or sacrifice my most sentimental object. I mean take my Mother, but don’t take my ‘DIRT’ belt!! I could cry! FUCK!!!