Today, i’m off to get my ‘downstairs’ waxed off! The girly ‘lawn mowed.’ The muffage McMugged. It’s always a highly awkward experience in England, (let alone Yorkshire) as i’m not too confident that it happens over here, that often. In Hollywood it’s a normal everyday thang. Hence why they even name a stripped bare vagina, after the town. So yeah i’m getting a ‘Hollywood,’ today. I rock my ‘Mary Poppins’ bare and bald, as it’s in my mind the only way to go. Unless you feel a bit kinky and want a little ‘racing stripe.’ (ooh-er.) I did have one lady want me to grow it out, so she could turn it into a pink fluffyheart. I never talked to her again!! PINK FLUFFY HEART? That’s a bit too ‘looney’ fucking ‘toons’ for me. Not even for random comedic value, would i submit to the powers of a fluffy heart shaped muff…in pink!!
In Yorkshire, you can’t really go in and ask for a ‘Hollywood’ or a ‘Brazilian’ without them looking at you like you’ve just pooed on their lawn. So you actually have to say, ‘Do you WAX VAGINAS? And i don’t mean a bikini…i mean whole thing OFF.’ This is an awkward conversation to have sober, let alone with a young lady sipping her morning cuppa tea. There’s usually a pause, they tell me to repeat myself, there’s BLUSHING for England and after 12 of the longest seconds they say,’Yeah i think i know what you mean? I think we could do that.’ (Another pause…followed by giggles all around.) When i leave, she all calls all her family and friends, to tell them whats she done. (Don’t deny it! I know you do!!LOL)
In LA a korean lady rips mine off. She’s a fucking NAZI too. My hair doesn’t grow back for donkeys years!! It’s odd, as i’ll strut in, lift my sunglasses up and before i’ve even opened my mouth, she’s thrown me down in the back room..buttered it up and butchered me like a karate chopping, hates men, ninja!! She even talks to my vagina like it’s a cute, cuddly domestic pet, beforehand.. like it’s breathing at her (Which is a little discomforting, as i don’t speak Korean? And i don’t think my Vagina does either??) Then after lulling it into a false sense of security, she ‘tai chi’ breathes, then the bitch goes bananas on it!! She ROCKS it OUT! I come out sore and needing 10 years of therapy. Yet like the sucker i am…i go back EVERY time!! (She does lots of celebrity muffs! lol. I wonder how they take it??) But i don’t have her today. I have the English tending to my ‘lovely.’
Wish me luck.