Bright Lights, Lunch And Tenners

Went to an afternoon luncheon, with the boys of the ‘secret handshake’ club, dressed like ‘Alexis Carrington’ on a budget. It was a bit more Chrissie Wunna ‘slutty couture.’ I was all ‘bare legs and fur coats.’ Everyone else was, well over the age of 40 and normal. It was okay-ish. I mean, i did think of all the things that i COULD be doing, like shaking around naked, with tassels to conga music, doing a balloon dance or causing a Papa Parappa scene, but the wine was fun. Not really my thing, as i always feel a bit shy and left out, when i’m there. Came back with a cheap butterfly hair clip, a spinning top and a moustache. I guess it was Christmas dinner, but like not at Christmas (which i Love.) Oh and i won a bottle of ‘white’ on the raffle. CHAMPION! Shimmie those knockers!

Then my Mother forces me to go grocery shopping with her, whilst i’m a bit tipsy from the getting sauced up at the luncheon and still in my ‘Too short, bare legs, high heeled, fur coat’ number. So with a face like (slutty) thunder, i tried to look as normal as possible in a local ‘Co-op,’ (which is kinda like Rite Aid,) whilst everyone quite rightly glared at me, as i tottered down the isles like a ditzy ‘bubblegum’ drunkard. OH and what is with those lights!!! They have the most shockingly bright white lights, beaming from every flat surface of the store!! And magazines next to cold fucking meat!!! It’s just like a chilly, giant, junk roomy mistake. There’s Me trying to shamefully hide, in dark chocolatey corners. Yet everywhere i seem to venture, i’m BLINDED by this horrific ‘makes my drag queen makeup, look more draggy’ white light. It’s like whore heaven. But a lot shitter. Then my Mum has a ‘barny’ at someone for staring at Me. I trip over my own beautifully heeled foot. Lights are blinding me left, right and centre and i run out the store with a packet of salt and vinegar crisps, OK magazine and with zero dignity in tack and that’s after shivering like a furry wreck by the pongy Stilton.

Luckily, i’m in my pyjamas now and I feel safe from all the horror, hurt and horny over 50’s, in the world. I’m really starting to dislike Tiny (the fat one) on Big Brother. She’s turning into a bit of a gobby ogre. I just handed a friend a £10 note because..well because he didn’t have one. He looked at me with ‘up eyebrows’ and shouted ‘FAIL! Remember who you ARE!!!‘ (Hilarious!) So with an ‘Oh yeah, i forgot!‘ I snatched that ‘bitch’ right back and snarled! Learning to be selfish ROCKS!

Chrissie Wunna x

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