I Made It Through The Wilderness

Morning! Even though i spent last night with the family champagne toasting the 2009 in. I somehow ended up in a red sequined leotard, fishnets and odd heels, showering myself in glitter and with a micro-microphone (haha, i use to walk around LA making people talk into my ‘micro microphone’ which was a lime green straw, when i believed they were talking nonsense) in my hand singing pretty rubbish Kareoke songs. My favourite kareoke song is ‘I just called to say I love you..’ but it did not seem to be on my ‘vocal menu’ so i ended up having to perform ‘Like a Virgin.’ (I don’t think i can even speak the word ‘Virgin’ without feeling a bit queezy.) What do i always say? ‘Virgins’ are girls who are not smart enough to realize that the sooner you put out, the more free dinners you’re gonna get. All smiles! Filthy slags! No girl over the age of 20 should be a Virgin. If you are, i don’t get it? I know someone who is about 50 and has never ever had sex. Makes me consider a ‘pity bonk,’  just so he can get a special ‘Ugh’ in- before he flipping keels overand DIES. Ridiculous! Y’know i almost didn’t make it into ’09’ so glamourously, as at 11.58pm i was attached to a radiator. I was in a hilarious panic screaming ‘I can’t enter 2009 on a fucking radiator!!!’

Anyhow, I’m quite pleased with my arrival into ’09’ overall. It means only good things will happen to Me. A couple of years back, I remember being in a car with Justin Seitz. (Whos’ like a male LA Glamour model. Lol! And my roomate at the time. Until drugs destroyed that.) We were driving back on Jan 1st at 10am in the morning, having just got done partying (tragic)…I think we went to Avalon, or Spider club? ( Full of sweaty people casting spells on me.) It was pure blinding sunny Los Angeles daylight, we were on Ventura Blvd, hiding our sins behind sunglasses. He looked unwashed yet happy and was bopping around to the magical tunes he was obviously hearing in his head. (Say no to drugs kiddies.)  I looked like i had been chewed up and spat out by a foul ulcer mouthed granny. It was silent. (Which i hate, as it makes me think about all the bad things i’ve just done.) I remember turning around, feeling guilty, looking at him and simply saying,’ This is a baaaad start to the year.’ And boy was I right….it ended up being the scariest year of my life…but i least i got to lose myself- instead of just my virginity (over and over again.)

But balls to that! This year Miss.Wunna entered the New Year with a ‘Bang’ a Sexy ‘Va Voom,’ a delicious concotion of LUST, POWER and ‘OOH LAA.’ (Don’t you just love the tingle.) I’m gonna make this year the best year of my life. As i out did myself in 2008, but whatever that’s now filed under ‘Past! I’ve successfully ticked that box! ‘ Whooppee! So Welcome to the Wonderful World of ME!!! It’s gonna get naughty. (Oooh Matron!)

Chrissie Wunna

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