No Tea for Me Vicar

‘No-one’s called me Shorty in ages!’

‘Yeah that’s because you’re  in England you bitch!’

It’s funny how the term ‘Shorty’ is all cute and fuzzy in America, but in England it’s kinda just a form of verbal abuse! I mean you don’t go up to a short person and call them ‘shorty’ do ya? It’s like calling a real life fat person ‘fat.’ You just don’t do it. Even though one time when i was about 17, i got sooo incredibly drunk, after a love spell, walked around Pontefract and screamed ‘FATTY’ at a actual fat person…then shamefully puked outside a shop. It’s terrible. I’m a Loser. I still feel bad about it to this day. (Well not really too much.) If i could take anything back…it would be that. Oh and my round of herpes. (Joke) I love an odd blistery outburst…makes me feel alive. (I am joking!) Honest!! I…think?

I need tea,  i need to get ready for a round of shopping (nice change of subject) and i think ‘Gucci’ (my kitten) has just shatt under the Christmas Tree. GOD!!! I shouldn’t be mad as i’ve had a few ‘accidents’ in my time. It’d be good if i could just go around pooing on things i didn’t like. The good ‘sane’ folk of the world would be my starting point.

Have you noticed how anything that begins life completely ‘sane,’ ends up stark bonkers by the end of it. And anything that starts off with a case of the ‘crazies,’ ends up being all boring and normal, at the finish line. And some things go through their whole entire life thinking they’re truely ‘sane’ when they’re simply ‘do-lally.’ Well not ME!! I intend to stay a complete lunatic, my whole entire life and KNOW it. (It’s sooo Michael Jackson.) It’s Sexy! There’s gonna be no ‘Chrissie Wunna Cleans Up Her Act’ headlines. I mean look at Britney. She’s hot now, she’s had a whole ‘Go bald, and hit men with green umbrellas, whilst shouting (fuck you)’ phase. I mean who can say they’ve done that!! It’s HILARIOUS!! And Hugh Grant getting posh noshed off by an american prozzie named ‘Divine.’ Brilliant!

I think it’s important for all ageing Queens of Greatness to go MAD in the end. I hope to be wearing furry lime green hats, with a shovel in a dumpster, a ferret on one shoulder, my boob job, 17 singing munchkins and a Kazoo in my mouth. I’m keeping it ‘a teabag short of a full brew.’ (I really have just ruined myself in this blog haven’t I?) Three cheers!

Chrissie Wunna x

ps/I have rollers in my hair and i look like a right ‘Betty.’

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