I’m not being ungrateful or anything but i got tights! TIGHTS! A pair of f****** granny tights for christmas! (Don’t like to say ‘fucking’ and ‘granny’ in the same sentence, but whatever they can be bitches at times.) So funny. I hate having to open presents in a big circle, whilst everyone watches because i always have to prepare myself to do that over excited happy face…or even the subtle ‘look happy, but not overly happy, smile- nod’ face, or the magical ‘impressed’ eyebrows. (Which is also a face that works when a boy pulls his ‘junk’ out for the first time, with a thumbs up and a wink.) I prefer to open my prezzies in private. BUT OH NO…the Wunna family does it all out, in the merry open, in a giant gleeful circle of slanted eyes, pickled onions and smiles.
It was hilarious, i kinda ripped my package open (oooh daddy)..then i opened my present (hahaha, shit joke) and there before me laid..no not the crown jewels or even a ginormous diamond encrusted lollipop wand that i could beat the ‘uglies’ with, but a ‘3 for the price of one’ pack of brown tights! Someone actually went to ‘Marks n Spencers’ skipped all the good stuff, then saw the dullest present in the world ever…and thought ‘OOh Chrissie would like that!’ WHAT!!!! I actually laughed my head off, but the gift giver didn’t, which made the moment even more delicious. A Fucking pair of too big granny tights. Greatness! I did actually pre-use all the gifts, that i got other people this year. So i guess it’s my punishment! I forgot they were other peoples presents and wore them by accident. And i did once pull a pair of socks off someone’s actual smelly feet, cut the ‘toe part’ out and wrap them up for a friend stating they were ‘arm warmers.’ So i guess i deserve the tights. I even wore them to prove my LOVE for them, but with nothing else on except a farmers flat cap , beige Ugg boots, no panties, with 2 furry musical Rudolphs strategically placed infront of my ‘spice rack’ and ran around the garden screaming ‘I LOVE MY FUCKING TIGHTS!!’ Tis the season and all that good stuff. Thank God the years almost over. I’m running on empty! It’s been the longest year EVER!! Lets hurry this shit up!
I did also get good presents like clothes, bags, rubies from Burma, Perfumes from Paris, cold hard cash…etc. But i tell you what, i drank nothing but ‘Schloer’ all night and it is a poisonous concoction created by the bastard Devil. Jesus CHRIST! Don’t know how you can get wasted on a non alcoholic fizzy grape juice, but my head is a banging! I would rather have downed ten bottles of gin. I bet I’d feel 2% better than I do now. ‘Schloer’ is officially….McCrap! Don’t do it. Not that you would anyway. People who drink ‘Schloer’ end up in bed with strangers. I unfortunately don’t need fizzy grape juice for that to happen. Sad, but true! All i need is a wink.
Hope you all had a great Crimbo, but arent you bloody glad it’s over. Like my bestie (who got a money counting machine) was saying yesterday…Christmas is rubbish when you’re all grown up. Santa’s not even saucy anymore. Makes me want to create my own little family, just so i can have a go at a magically fun Christmas. But not really. Babies aren’t for Christmas, they’re just accessories. Kinda like the Channel clutch, but a lot less fun.