My Boobs Are Bitches At Birthdays

Oh my GOD! I had the Greatest of all Great birthdays!  I’m still very largely hungover (so please do bare with me) but at least i can actually move my body now, and i’m not shivering on a sofa in polka dot pyjamas, a huge leopard print coat, with giant zebra sunglasses on, spooning myself, and wishing i was dead. Three cheers! Hurrah! Good times!

If i could compare it too anything (my 28th, that is) it would be a giant delicious, mind boggling ‘room spin’ of fabulousity. Just imagine being in the middle of a crowded dark dancefloor, all flashes and light…spinning around and around as fast as you can, (going faster and faster) in a red corset and leopard print bra…laughing  joyously, to some very repetitive Rihanna song (that one that goes, ‘I’m gonna take you away…etc..’) and you spin so so fast, your life goes slow motion on you…until you explode into a huge glittery disaster! That was my 28th! I LOVED IT! Infact everyone loved it! I felt like the whole entire town celebrated my birthday, if not  for just one precious moment.

It started in a green retro living room, with new carpets, one slice of pizza, a push up bra, 2 bottles of pink champagne, and a bottle of wine shared by 5 in tiny Baby Champ (you KNOW it) glasses. I walked over a few cobbled streets, armed with boys in their best ‘party shirts,’ fell over my own foot once, then found myself in a pub, re-glueing my eyelashes back on, over a half pint of lager, and about 7 shots of Baileys! Everyone kept buying me Baileys cos it reminded them of Christmas. Two seconds later, and after meeting and greeting flirty boys, who i seem to always run into wherever i go. A girl (who has joined the merriment) is writing ‘Merry Xmas’ on my fake boobies, in lipgloss, and my own goddam eyeliner! Hilarious! After 100 pictures, i had to run to the bathroom, pissed up, and scrub my boobies into a mirror, whilst some girl who thought she went to school with Me watched…as i explained to her that i wasn’t usually this much of a slut..and that it was my birthday!

Smoked a few cigarettes, got drunker and drunker on Baileys, met sooo many boys. A boy who once gave me star shaped biscuits, ones that read my blog, ones that wanted pictures with me, ones that i first met around a burning bin, one that went to war in Afghanistan, and saw a picture of me in ‘Zoo,’ whilst he was there, then in full army gear, turns around and finds me standing right next to him, in a bar…(random, I know,) another one that had oddly been in my house, when he apparently delivered my sofa…(he had too) and the rest were just boys that wanted to stick their faces in my boobies and nuzzle. I had my boobs beaten like bongos by girls, i had them licked, and squidged. We all swirled aimlessly around stripper poles, danced with anyone who was willing, flirted up a storm, hurted up a storm, had a rum and coke thrown at me, had 2 friends fall flat on their faces in a club (hahah), wore giant green sunglasses that someone bought for a fiver, went balistic, had the best time ever, had my picture taken a million times (which i love)….then had boys who wanted to take a picture of what i thought was Me…but it ended up just being my boobs! Hilarious! They kept telling me to get my face out of the shot…(hahaha.)

I’m proud of myself, as i brought out the ‘slut’ out in everyone. The most reserved girls, were getting their knockers out, by the end of the night. Infact, even the boys, were getting their boobies out! It was ulitmate chaos! I bring the best out in people. They all just turn really naughty, to the point where even i’m laughing at the monsters i’ve created, then shaking my head in disappointment at them.

Got home at 6am, after getting my high heel stuck in a gutter! (Modern day Cinderella.) Says it all really! I loved turning 28 in Pontefract! Now i can’t move though. My boobs are swollen from all the beatings. They stole my limelight. The bitches!

4 thoughts on “My Boobs Are Bitches At Birthdays

  1. i need to go out on the hit and miss with u chrissie u sound like a right bubble my saturday on the swill turned out quite powerful and all got down the boozer at half to and stayed boozing till 6. am i was out of me fucking cannister there we people chasing people with meat cleavers ck it all went down

  2. they will cross babe i drive u will wake up one mornig look out your window and think who is that bald chav in the merc sitting playing funky house on the driveway lol

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