All I Want For Christmas

…is a giant sweaty Sumo Wrestler, in a ballerina tu-tu, and a cocktail umbrella in his hair. I want to squeeze him, and spank him. Poke him and kick him. Love him and wink at him. Then make him my Christmas best friend over cocktails and polite conversation. It probably wouldn’t work though. He’d eat my Parents. If he eats them, they won’t beable to buy Me things, like EVER. (Worst thing that could probably happen.) Therefore i’ll have to settle for a flutter of fairies, and i do mean a merry band of drunk gays, in 99c fairy wings…all glitter and life. (I’m not on drugs…it’s so 2005 i really am writing my letter to Santa…..honest!)

I’m staring at a horrifying stretch of pictures, of Me visiting Santa from the ages of 1 week old to 24. For a girl who loves having her every movement ‘pictured,’ i sure as hell look awkward.But that’s because he had his sweaty arm up my skirt. I loved it!! He lost his watch up there! (Ho! Ho! Ho!)  But yeah, I never bought the whole ‘I’m Santa, and not really a man getting paid £6/hr, to have underage kiddies sit on my lap.’ Pointless! I always got what i wanted. I never really needed Santa for anything. (Apart from Booty calls, and Vagina lickings.)

Just called ‘Latin Lover’ who’s working hard in LA. It was odd. I guess i’m the chick, who’ll always calls you at the exact WRONG time…and want to rambling on about MYSELF for 20 mins. Yet, i never pick up, if you call Me. (It’s how the world works.) Anyway, He was at work, mid catering someone’s event or doing something ‘busy.’  So after every sentence, that he was pretending to listen to, he’d shout ‘Yeah, make a thick flurry and stick ya root in it!’ (Erm…? I thought we were talking about ME...)  ‘Dude put it in the oven sloooowly!’ (What?? So yeah anyway, i went shopping, i bought…) ‘Do i fold my cream into THIS bowl?? (Heelllooo? You’re the Chef, you should fucking know!)  I’m an attention whore, so this behaviour is not allowed!! So i just huffed and puffed and did my hair in the mirror.

Where’s my Sumo Wrestler?? Santa Sucks Ass! (Literally)

7 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas

  1. u funny cow chrissie i aint sat on santa knee in ages all i want for christmas this year is a lovely bit of goose and a safe flight on boxing day to the land of thai. im happy me vilberquins came in the post today get in there. i hope u have a blinding day tommorow trouble

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