I was quite McDrunky so the rest of the night is in baby flash backs, as ‘good times’ and cocktails, stole my memories. Plus, i’m still recovering, and ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ is on, so i’m a bit distracted by sequins, feathers and Bruce Forsythe.
Okay, as soon as i was drop kicked out of a car, i immediatly trundled into ‘Heaven’ ( and ‘Heaven’ as in Pontefracts new lap dancing club and unfortunately not as in ‘total enlightenment.’ All i’m gonna say is, (other than it’s too small to be a strip club) is… if that’s where we go when we DIE…then yeah, WE ARE totally McFUCKED!! It started off badly, with ME looking like the most ‘strippery looking’ girl in the strip club. the Staff thought i worked there and i had she put my Corona and Smirnoff Ice on my apparent ‘Stripper tab,’ that the girls get if they work there!! lol…TRAGIC!! Even the girls, thought i was the new girl or something?? One boy, mid- some chubby blond girl in white, straddling a pole pointed at ME, (who was innocently enjoying herself with her best buddy) and yelled to his friend, ‘IS THAT ONE??’ I loved it! Funny place. It’s the only strip club in the world to only have ONE pole…ten hundred men, and about 2 okay if you squint strippers in it. We even had to LIE to get ourselves out of there, as ‘Best Bud’ decided to get scared, and needed to get more drunk in order to continue with ‘Heaven.’
I blinked and found myself going from bar to bar, with drink after drink, after drink, after drink, after bar. I’m was at ‘The Counting House’ having to ‘drip dry’ after peeing (sooo gross) because ther was no loo roll, and my options for toilets were ‘one with a hole punched through the door’ or ‘one with no door’ (lol..) I went with ‘no door’ and had to have a young Australian girl, who kept saying she’s ‘not a lesbo, but does love my boobs, and did make out with a girl for the first time yesterday.’ I was squatting, with the most beautifully flowy lilac dress on, boobs half out, having to then standup, only to have the toilet actually fall to pieces, mid ‘i can’t find the toilet roll’ with my panites at my ankles, only to get PEE splashed on Me and an Australian lesbo. Hilarious!
Then i found myself in ‘The Green Dragon’ can’t remember anything, but drinking, fights, telling a ‘Cougar’ she was HOT after she tried to drink my mates shot, getting loads of attention, a girl who had a face of a grandma and the arrival of a girl named ‘Abi.’ I love new arrivals, when i’m mid- partying, they’re always up for the sinning!! She also bollocked a bunch of boys, and that’s always HOT!
The rest of the night was spent at ‘Big Fellas’ which i actually oddly loved. I was full of drunk teenagers having boyfriend issues and boys who loved my boobs. I got molested in the bathroom, by the hands of drunk blond females form Pontefract. They didn’t even ask. I was re-doing my lips, and completely oblivious to the ‘feeling.’ Tragic! Met two 12 year old boys, who were told i was America (lies by Abi) and from that point onward, kept talking ‘black american’ to me, even though, they we’re white british boys from Castleford (‘Cas-Vegas.’) They kept rapping to Me every 3 sentences! It was odd. Oh and kept telling me all about England. (Hahahaha!) There was also a girl out with no arms, just these cute little fleshy paw things. I mean you’ve got to love a girl who can party with no arms! GREATNESS! All i remember is my ‘buddy’ telling me a hand job off her, would be like getting wanked off by a Tyranosaurus Rex. EVIL!
The final part of the evening was left to playing around a strippers pole. They were more poles in ‘Big fellas’ than there were in ‘Heaven’-the actual strip club!!’ ‘Wazza’ did a little dance, made a little love and eased his back seductively up & down the pole (probably why he never gets laid.) Abi, does some remarkable, straddle back bend move, with a sex face…and I (thinking i’m all ‘too sexy for my shirt’) trip up, slip on beer and fall around it ungracefully, with an orange Vodka kick in my hand, screaming. I did however manage to style it out, and finish with great panache (as always.) Yet i think, the fact that my very small audience was more ‘looking at my chest’ which ofcourse decorated my clumsiness, helped…A LOT!!
Lights came on, it was almost 4am! I can’t believe we stayed until ‘lights on!’ Tragic!! I’m a dirty rotten stop out!!! Then i watched ‘The Shoe people,’ stared at some ‘Lucky Charms’ and was forced to sleep in the blistering heat, under a fern green quilt, dying of pure drunkeness, and dyhydration from pure drunkeness. Glamourous! I love my life! I Christmas shopped all day today!