Give a dollar not a blowjob

Last night was hilarious. My best bud, ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Waz’ decides he’s going to get tipsy (after tending to his ‘secret handshake’ club) and call Me. I LOVE it!! (I’m a great person to call when drunk, because i’m abusive.) He too is having tragic love life issues..but it’s funny. Well it was, until he had found out, that a young lady who HE describes as ‘the UGLIEST, most FATTEST girl, who looks like an UGLY, FAT version of The Count from Seasame Street,’ when asked (via facebook) if she thought he was ‘attractive’ said ….’NO!’ Infact i think it was, ‘Eww, God no!’ (Hahahahahaha!) So he’s now tragically crying into his Coco pops (don’t know why i said Coco pops, as i don’t think he eats them…LIES, it’s all lies..because he claims ‘ even the ugliest, fattest girl he has ever laid his merry eyes on’ doesn’t even fancy him!!’ Hilarious! You can’t win them all! I’m obviously finding this too ‘pee my pants’ funny, as the more ‘tragical’ his love life gets the more i can completely take the the piss out of him. He’s a sad case. Yet, we are gonna go to a strip club and find him a proper girl to play ‘house’ with….but i’ll tell you all about that later. (Wink, wink.)

Also last night, i was on the phone to my darling ‘Latin Lover,’ (He calls me ‘Pookie Wookie,’) who claims that by the time i’m the age of a scabby old bat, i’m gonna be a seriously aggro ‘Battle-Axe,’ and for some reason it gives him a ‘Boner.’ (His Mummy didn’t love him.) I’m already the most difficult person to please..(haha) I’m a dragon lady, in heels. If Lucy Liu and Lily Savage had a baby, it would be Me. I mean, at 20-something, i’m still hot in a hot pink skirt, but at 60 something, i’m just a wrinkly old oriental hag, with too much eye-makeup on, and a boob job.

Poor thing. I’ve yelled at him, bit him for going ‘ooooh’ at Kerry Washington’s bum on tv, claimed he was lying that his dad had died, when he didn’t call me for 4 days, (sooo bad, cos it was true) slapped him in an Italian restuarant, and screamed at him for hitting on a homless lady, in a leopard print coat..( who he was actually just giving a dollar too.) HILARIOUS!! We were on a street in LA. I heard him telling her she was ‘beautiful’ so got all jealous and screamed… ‘I said give her a flippin’ dollar, not ask for a f****** blowjob!!’ Hilariously shameful and all of this in public! I’m one of these, if we’re fighting, we’re fighting and it’s ANYWHERE!! Yet, he loves it. Infact, i think he deliberately winds me up, to get me all ‘huffy-puffy,’ so he can get a ginormous STONKER. We have issues! But it works. I spend the majority of my time banging on the bathroom door, apologizing for being ‘evil.’ Well i guess not now, as we currently live in different countries. (Hahaha.)

I need tea. My Kittens are soooo cute.

5 thoughts on “Give a dollar not a blowjob

  1. u funny fucker chrissie i feel sorry for your pal babe but there is a bird out there for every fridge u just got to find here. i bet u are high maintance babe but u would be such a bubble when it is sweet it would probably be worth all the pipe and cheek but if u got to lemon u would have ot be told to put the brackes on lol

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