You are what you eat

If another person says it, i’m going to have to gauge out my left eyeball and slap you!! You are what you eat! Are you? NO you’re bloody NOT!! You are who you are and you eat because you’re not a screaming anorexic. If that crap little motto was even nearly true, then i’d be ‘Expensive,’ ‘The Menu at Koi’ and ‘Bought by my handsome date.’ I do have a dirtier version of the things i eat, but it involves Penis cake, and shortbread so i can’t i can’t really go into it. But you get what i’m saying…IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! So shut it, you tramp!!

I don’t know who made up that little saying, and i am assuming it was on of those ‘lose that extra flub because then you’ll fit into those size 12 pants, and beable to go to that party’ diet Guru’s, with a show. (They are the Devils spawn, and usually dream of smearing their bodies in last nights chocolate cake, on lonely evenings, to any Dolly Parton song.) Really if you eat a curried potatoe, you will not become a bloody curried potatoe and explode out of your knick-knacks. Well unless, you’re with ‘Willy Wonka’…who i adore, and want to repeatedly lick. He has emotional issues!!

 I’m only going on about it, becuase i’m surrounded by a gaggle of girls, who daren’t eat things!! It’s more annoying than anything, as i have to cook for them. And when i say ‘cook’ i do mean, pick up my phone and call the takeaway…which is even more annoying when you have fussy, ‘i’m on the South beach Diet’ hoe-bags to feed. All this drama over a curried potatoe!! I’m from Hollywood, and even think they’re being insaniacs! It’s ridiculously hilarious! I mean, bring me my massive plate of sausages, so i can stuff it all in my face at once, like the fattest bitch ever!! You’re meant to have your cake and EAT it, not be terrified you might turn into it!! I ate a whole entire cake in the mould of a giant PENIS!!! All to myself, with ice-cream! And honey, i look finger licking gooooood! Don’t be scared!!! Eat, drink and be merry. Then run around your garden for a bit. You’ll be fine! Sick, but fine!

Anyway, got to go. I’m upset, because a snotty nosed, ‘had the flu,’ Brownie/Girl Guide packed all my groceries at Morrisons, when i was at check out. She also went on to sneeze and cough all over my veggies, wipe snot on her arm, pick her nose on my magazine and then ask for money. (Ha-ha!) I told her very politely that i could manage my ‘packing,’ but she had her Mother behind her, in the exact same outfit, giving me the ‘evil eye.’ Don’t know what she was staring at me for!! Yeah, i have a boob job…but she had a bloody (not the HOT kind) Girl Guide outfit on, and a bum bag!! I accessorized with ‘Dior.’ She accessorized with ‘snotty nosed child.’ Heeelllooo…??

Chrissie Wunna

1 thought on “You are what you eat

  1. u funny fucker chrissie if was what i ate i would be steak and lobster with stella and scotch. i hope u have a lolley takeaway with yuor pals i am cooking some roast pork and spuds for my pals

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