The Buddha Palm

The Buddha Palm is when someone of Oriental descent ‘Palm’s’ your ‘Private’ area. I claim to have invented the term (like i did Mexican Blow Job.) Yet for some reason, the bloke sitting next to me is under the false impression that he did. It’s the term i use for ‘inappropriately’ touching someone, or myself…since i am Oriental. It kind works for me a little better. So I don’t know how he thinks he’s invented it??? I luckily can ‘Buddha Palm’ myself anytime I so wish…and i do, quite joyfully. (Stop the booing…it’s a healthy for you.) So the next time you get felt up by a slanted eye, oriental hottie..you too can join the ‘Buddha Palming’ club. Make it a religious experience. (I think i just made masturbation sound like a Kung Fu move.) YES!

Just got off the phone to my newish friend Kat, who you’ll get to know a lot more later. We had a good old chinny chin-wag about all kinds of secrets, discussed why that i can’t run becuase my height and by boobs don’t work as one and then slagged off her Mum. (haha.) Anyway, she’s great and she’s…..sewing a sailor suit.

Anyway, we’re about 6 hours away from it being the Grand Old 2009. I have the champers ready and I get to do the ‘Happy New Year’ speech a great deal of times, as my friends all bomb into ’09’ eight hours after Me. (Woo-hoo!) Sounds great, yet after the third phone call…i really can’t be arsed anymore. God, i’m such a self centred twat! I’m like ‘My moments over, so why do i have to celebrate yours!! ‘ Greatness! Shut up… I was raised by a nanny.

So…CHRISSIEWUNNA.COM is about to get spicier. It’s about to get naughtier. It’s about to thunder it’s way through the barriers of ‘comfort.’ I’ll be opening myself up (not like that you dirty tarts…well maybe, it’s not like i haven’t before) and spilling it the way it should be spilt. I’ve noticed that i’m a lot more popular in Hollywood, than i am over here in the Motherland. (Apart from the boys…you have all been quite gracious! Lol…) You folks in Britain don’t love me as much. Yet you bred me!! Therefore, the old Chrissie Wunna jiggery pokery is about to begin…which means i’m basically gonna FORCE you to love me. (She puts on her heels, and starts kicking up dust!!) 5 1/2 hours to go….

Boobie Woobies

I’m currently walking around dressed like the undisputed Queen of Egypt. Not sure why i don’t just say ‘Cleopatra?’ I enjoy a good long sentence. Yet only when it’s coming out of MY mouth. (Dirty bitch!) You guys can all keep your stories short and hit the bullet points please. Lol..(I’m not joking! Ask any of my friends.) I would kick you, but i’d break the heel on my shoe, which would prove to be a great deal more devastating. Wow, i’m a Sasserilla this morning! Feed them to the LIONS! Oh shit, i nearly lost my fucking wig.

I’m extremely chipper today and i’ve not only danced around my kitchen to ‘Holla Back Girl’ (love that song) with my demon chicken dance moves and a cuppa tea in my hand, due to it nearly being 09.  But mid destructive dance, i caught a glimspe of myself in the oven screen and realized i have a delicious set of flipping knockers!! Knockers that all girls should be jealous of, and all boys (even the butt pirates) should want to nuzzle.  There’s nothing like a good set of ‘Lovelies.’ Be they real or swiped on a visa…they are simply an essential part to any girls genetic makeup. Mine have really done me proud. I do squabble with them, as we fight for the limelight (my boobs are bitches)…yet on the whole and since it’s almost the new year I’m gonna give them a two thumbs up. They are my lethal weapons. Nothing gets past the ‘jubblies.’ (My kitten is trying to piss on my laptop, as i write my blog. Fucking Bitch! Oh shut up PETA, it’s a term of endearment.) I’ve just dropped 20 satay sticks on a furry Dalmation.

So i’m spending New Years Eve with my family. It’s a thing we do. A champagne toast the minute it turns 2009. I’m excited as i’ve wanted it to be January for ages! December was a drag. (And not as in Queen because at least that would have ended with me getting my eyes scratched out by one.) I intend to be sexy, successful and even more famous in 2009.  Not to be superficial or anything. I should add ‘and be a good person’ on the end of that..or ‘do lots of charity.’ But Fuck it…i want to be a Superstar!!  However, it hasn’t called me yet. It keeps offering me delicious one night stands, yet never a big long term commitment. Bastard! Surely i deserve it by now. I’ll be a tired ass old hag, by the time it decides it wants me.  There’s only so long i can hold this heap of a body up. I’m getting bunyons and blisters from the rocky road. (And that’s ‘of stardom,’ not the ice-cream, as ofcourse that would make no sense at all??)

I need to go feel my little brother. (Hahahha, that’s meant to say ‘Feed.’ Love it! ) Apparently he’s going to die if he doesn’t get some chicken NOW.

I ain’t no holla back girl

Chrissie Wunna

Walk Me into 2009 Baby

‘Chrissie It’s New Year. You have to buy shoes.’

‘I’m not a shoe starved,  flute playing Gypo…I have loads!’

‘Well i kinda just need you too be with me, whilst i buy dildos!’

‘Oh Mum. Not this again!’

So yeah, every new year I go and buy a brand new set of heels. It’s of high importance to Me that it is done before January 1st and they need to be the perfect pair, as they will pretty much determine how the rest of my year pans out. (Oh shut up. It’s True! You Dirty Nits!) I came back with 5 pairs. So i guess, it’s a year of abundance….or clumsy ‘left my shoe in a gutter’ madness. Both I class as pretty good.

The perfect pair is almost vital, as they are the things that will walk Me into the next chapter…the next day…the next moment of my life. I tend to treat shoes, like i treat my men. I have one pair, that i will wear, all day everyday, until i’ve simply worn their ‘pretty pounce’ into the ground and they’re forced to tell me to ‘fuck the hell off.’

You should never walk in another mans shoes. It’s someone elses story and will lead you astray. You should never trust anyone who’s comfortable in a pair that’s not their own. They’re deceitful little imps. If I fail to buy a new pair, that represent how I wish my year to turn out. Then I’ll be stuck in an awkward non- moving, tired ass rut. And that’s not pretty. I become highly destructive and i’m too old to still be doing the ‘do-lally’ thing.

You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear. It tells you their story. It’s almost too telling. So when someone’s face is opening and closing and you’re still somewhat unsure as to whether their speaking the ‘shit of da bull’. Just progress your eyes to the leathery, rubbery or clothy parcels they have wrapped around their feet and you’ll beable to read them in about 4 words. (I am, just making all this up!)

Oh and boys…if you see a girl with bad feet. Don’t shun her (unless she has like 6 toes. That’s just uneccessary.) It simply means she wears impractical shoes. Girls who wear impractical shoes are irrational, impulsive, unstable  but EXCELLENT  in bed!!! It’s a score everytime! I totally recommend them. But saying that, everyone knows not to take my shit advice. I’m whacked. She really could just have a terrible set of clompers….then ya fucked. (And not the good kind!)

Chrissie Wunna x

ps/ This time 2 years ago, I was in LA trying to get myself on a guest list for a last minute New Years Eve party. I asked very chipperly, ‘What time does it all start tonight?’ They said, ‘New Years Eve is tomorrow…you idiot!’

Strapped in Tight

Feeling AMAZING, which is odd, as i woke up feeling like a whole 3 out of 10. After 2 cups of coffee, a painkiller and a ‘do’ of my face…i now feel marvellous. Like i can conquer the world. Like i can jump of tall snowy moutains and land on my feet. Like i can…well you get the picture and i can’t really think of anything else. Is it past noon yet?

I had the strangest of dreams last night. I was bonking some world tennis champion (who’s existance I made up in my head. He was HOT!) I was watching old people get fake tanned by being pushed through a fake tanning roller machine. It was all beige. Bizarro? And then it just went back to shagging tennis champion. (I was really into my boobs. It was shameful!) I woke up rolling around my sheets…(which is lame when you’re on you’re own.) Then luckily i realized I had company as, ‘Chrissie ya nipples out and i don’t want to see it,‘ is what followed 3 seconds afterward. So my street cred it still coolio! CHAMPION! Disturbing the Innocents, a day at a time!

Anyway, why is there always someone in my bed? And why are there always people making it, whilst i’m still in it?? Isn’t that rude? I don’t trust anyone who MAKES beds. I only invite those who are willing to un-make them, into my personal space. Seriously! I was strapped in sooo tight, i could hardly breathe and i hadn’t even woken up yet!! It was 6am, and i think i mumbled ‘Please do F**** off’, as i was being sheeted down and into my own bloody bed. Like a slutty prisoner. They’re Useless! And who honestly does that!?! If you are going to ruin my life at approx.6am…then you better come laiden with fucking gifts, right?? Or just TEA!! TEA GODDAMITT! Aren’t I the girl who writes that blog, and gets her boobs out, and magically entertains the world!!! I have AWARDS!!! (For tap dancing.)  So a little bit of sucking up, wouldn’t go a miss before noon. I have the shittest staff!!  I need to beat them with monkeys and poke them with rusty bread knives. My eyelash just fell off.

Chrissie Wunna

Easy Peasy Japanesey

I’m a bit worried about the friends i keep. One of them IM’ed me from Japan this evening. His dad knows my dad and his little sister went to school with me….or something? Anyway he has just moved to Japan…to get his ‘easy peasy japanesy’ on…i guess? I’ll call him ‘Okine.’

So ‘Okine’s’ saying ‘Hi’ (via IM) and how he’s gonna have to get a job soon or his money will completely run out (Noooooooo!) I suggested he sold his body for sushi. He told me that he’s not too worried about being poor because ‘on many nights rich bankers have been buying him drinks, after feeding them approximately 10 minutes of bullshit.’ LOVE IT! Does he mean, 10mins or 10 inches??

He apparently has three lies going. One is…he teaches there sons English at school. Another is…he’s the son of a gold mine owner. Who owns mines in Ghana. And the third is…i can’t really care to remember, yet it has something to do with making women feel sorry for him! (Hahahaha!) He deserves trophies! Now that’s survival!!

Anyway ‘Okines’ going on about how hot the girls are in ‘easy peasy japanesey’ and i suggested that he ‘shag them all’ and ‘immediately.’ (You snooze, you lose!) Oddly he said ‘No.’ (He’s one of those annoying good guys.) Yet he knows this one girl who likes to party with the Gays. So off he trots to get his boogie on and loves it, as he’s fresh meat and is getting all the attention. I think he said, ‘If i was gay. I would NOT be in a closet!’ I mean jeeze…put a straight man, in a gay bar for one night and he thinks he’s fricking Madonna. (Haha!) So I believe I made fun of him for about 3 sentences, only for him to tell me that he saw a pretty japanese girl, dancing up against this one gay dude..who swiftly ‘smoothy smoothes’ his way away from girl, and towards ‘Okine..’ Then whispers, ‘I’m living my hetrosexual nightmare!’ (hahahahah…love it) and pushes the pretty japanese girl onto him! (Which you would think was a good thing..) Yet apparently the girl started being too much of an ‘aggressive dancer’ (love that term) that she actually accidentally cut him…(hahah..sorry i’m pissing myself) mid body- pop.

It’s just too brilliant! I love knowing my friends are suffering in all sorts of  countries, all over this goddamn world. It seriously cracks me up! I’m sick! Then he fucking has the cheek to suggest I go out there and visit him!! WHAT!!! And get cut by a bunch of girls who look just like me, but with aggressive dance moves! Me thinks not Darling!

Golden Showers

I must be one of the only girls to have taken on a mighty ‘Golden Shower’ by accident. I’m not quite sure where I score on the tally board of accidental sexual conquests. Yet, i’m positive it’s major points and a personal handshake from God. (‘Well Done Wunna!) This is a really bizarre way to begin a blog and the sad part is…it only gets worse.

I can’t quite recall which boy it was, yet i have a mild-ish idea. ..so i’ll call him ‘Goldilocks!’ (Already Bad!) It’s like having a mystery ‘Baby Daddy,’ yet there’s no baby and ‘Daddy’ is streaming his golden liquids all over you’re fake baked stomach. (Shit, i totally remember now! Ha-ha!) Funny how it all comes flooding back.

So both parties we’re naked and i believe the ‘Sexy part’ had come to a triumphant end. Both ‘Goldilocks’ and I are joyously rolling around my sheets, giggling, tickling each other and doing all that other quite wonderful ‘post- sex’ stuff. Then whilst i’m laying on my back, probably telling him i love him or something daft like that. He kneels above me and 2 droplets of wee come out of his penis…falling onto my stomach. (In slow motion)

THERE’S AN ENORMOUSLY WEIGHTY SILENCE! I don’t know whether it was pure shock or a pre-fury funk. Yet, I do remember thinking…’Shall  i pretend like i’m into all this, to make me look cool and adventurous?’ Saddo!! You’d think a little laughter or maybe a sincere apology would follow…right?

Wrong! He then lets an outburst of urine bombard it’s way all over me, in my eye, on my stomach, in my face and  because he apparently ‘couldn’t hold it in.’ To make it worse my bedroom was an ‘Arabian nights boudoir’ and there’s me, ‘Princess Wunna’ getting pissed on! (Hope my Mum never reads this!) So i’m screaming and yelling ‘I’m not fucking into this!’ And he’s laughing, which is making him pee more. So I begin to laugh. His ‘chuckles’ stop. He realizes what he’s just done and can’t speak out of sheer embarassment.

Yet it’s all too late, as my roomate has already opened the door, seen the ‘circus’ taken 4 cell phone pictures and forwarded it to half of Hollywood.

Chrissie Wunna