Half a pound of mushrooms darling

I currently have an old man, with a grey afro shouting, ‘Read me my lucky stars,’ repeatedly in my ear. I’m not sure if i’m supposed to just make up some great fake psychic shit, or just ignore him? Due to the fact that I don’t know who he is… I’m going to go with ignore him. If that fails me, then i’ll just show him a nipple. ‘Read me my lucky stars!!!!’ I beg your pardon sir???

I’ve just got home from a short shopping trip, where i was supposed to come back with nothing. I came back with new winter sweaters for every person i know, in the world ever and a fucking massive plasma TV and for no reason, other than the guy in the store was HOT. I know i’m showing my ulitmate lameness. Yet sometimes you’ve just got to be a Loser like me, to really experience life! The tragic thing is, now i think about it, he really wasn’t that ‘moist ya knickers’ dreamy at all. He had goofy teeth. I was blinded by Christmas fucking spirit. Ugh!! But at least i have a Tv for my Daddy. I can’t remember if i charged it, on his card or mine???? Hahahaha! Greatness!! Merry Christmas!! Down that Port Sally!!

During my visit to the town centre, where everyone stares at me like i’m walking around the streets of Doncaster naked, with my finger up my arse, and a plunger on my head, i decide i’m going to take the piss out of the ‘fruit and veg’ lady. Oh My GOD!! If i ever made a bad move, it was not the time i ended up accidently hand cuffed to a real life prostitute in LA, but it was the wintery day i decided to take the piss out of the bloody ‘Fruit and Veg’ lady!!

All i’m gonna say is there’s only so many times you can hear someone scream, ‘Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf a poooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuund of muuuuuuuuuushrooms,’ without having to shout it back, in her face… just for random comedic value, right? WRONG! Oh my God! So me and my clever arse thinks i’m all funny and everything and decide to stand behind her veggie stall, and scream ‘half a pound of mushrooms’ at the top of my voice, dressed semi Playboy bunny and accidently in her face. This 62 year old ‘fruit & veg’ lady, basically went ninja on me!! NINJA, ninja on me!!! I think she said i wasn’t to old for her to put me over her knee and spank!! Hahahaha! She even nipped my arm for being cheeky!! (haha) I love Yorkshire!! The best thing about it was the fact that she wasn’t angry because i took the piss out of her screaming, but because i did it in a cockney accent, and let me tell you she’s ‘NOT A BLOODY COCKNEY!!’ That’s all it was about….the fact that i said ‘ Haaaaaaaaff a paaaaand av mashruuuuums!’ (hahahah) So i apologised, as i’m not a complete rude arse and then told her that i was American (haha…shut up lies are ACE) and therefore it’s all my countries fault. She agreed, congratulated me on my new President, and gave me a bag of satsumas i didn’t really want for free. Then she asked me if i ‘was on the telly.’ I just said ‘yes,’ winked at a few dashing suitors and strutted off with my plasma tv and bag of dodgey satsumas!! I think a fight broke out 3.7 minutes later, because one drunk called Billy, had hit on another drunks young lady, who looked like she’d been pulled through at least 15 bushes backwards. She was wearing a shell suit, 4 scrunchies and hardly a prize. She also had about 19 teeth missing. But i guess that’s good when it comes to necking the dongle.

It’s children in need bitches!! I need a stiff one!

9 thoughts on “Half a pound of mushrooms darling

  1. easy onj the onions chrissie there is nothing wrong with a cockney chrissiewe are the salt of the earth we are babe. i need to see u shop it sound subh a fanny arbukle when u go babe. when i go it is boringme pal used to work on the market selling moddy clothes he was quality at it . i hope u have a nice drink have one for me babe take care chrissie tada scratch xxx

  2. i can teach u a bit shun say if u want to take a shit say im goning for a brad as in brad pitt = shit
    going for a vuryy im gonig for a ruby ruby murry=curry

  3. u make me fanny arbukle chrissie i wouldnt know how to start i aint one for tlaking dirty coz me old girl might see a nd put some soap in me mui lol

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