Legendary GENIUS

I can’t quite decide whether i’m a Bimbo, cleverly disguised as an ‘diot, or an Idiot cleverly disguised as a Bimbo?? However, after 2 lattes, a good old sing-song to ‘Last Christmas’ (which so happens to be the longest song in the world ever..snooze-fest) and much thought…i’ve come to the executive decision that i’m merely a legendary GENIUS!! It has a better ring to it than ‘Slut.’

I’ve also discovered that i’m psychic. Yes, once again i’m MAGIC. Three times i guessed the next song on the radio before it played!! Say What!!!! Yayur! So now that all my dreams are coming true one by one, it’s important i use my new found psychic-ness for evil purposes.

I strutted around the town Xmas shopping, and being followed by rude (not the good kind) people. There was NO EYE CANDY! Zero hot boys! It depresses me. My eyes need to be distracted from spending. I’ve noticed that when the temperature of the weather cools down, the temperature level of ‘BOY hotness’ diminishes. I judge towns on the temperature of the boys, and today Doncaster was ‘cold as ice.’ I can’t stand no eye candy, it just makes me want to trip myself up into the feathery pits of self-pity. (OOh just as i’ve said this, a flood of McDreamies have sent me messages!!) See, GOD f****** loves Me right now! LOVE it!! I’ve just done that thing when your belt strappy thing, accidently plunges itself into the toilet bowl, mid squat and you pee on it shamefully. (Haha) GREATNESS!

Chrissie Wunna

You’re a Trollop and you know it

Morning! Don’t know what i’m gonna ramble on about today, as i’m simply exhausted..(again.) I’ve been running around like a headless chicken, (hate that phrase, always makes me want to ‘gip’ up, a little bit…chicken’s with no heads..running around….Nooooooooooo!) Anyway, for some reason, over the last few days, my life has changed. I went from aimlessly glaring at a blank (-ish) page, to paragraphs, and paragraphs jammed onto a ‘Post-IT’ note, of things I have to do. So i guess, i’m busy…which i like, as there’s nothing worse than moping around, scratching my head, and trying to turn mole-hills, into mountains!! I was all boob job and no fun!!

I am officially getting my shit together, in one giant scoop of the arms. It’s a bit of a chaotic cluster, but funnily enough, it works for me. Yeah, it feels good, and life is just getting better and better. (Oh stop the ‘booing’ you monkeys!!) Lucky really! I’m proving that ‘chasing rainbows’ and all that good stuff works, if you just never give up. Yay, for ME!! Greatness!!

I definitely have a point to prove, as this one guy -i’ll call him, ‘The Lotioning Wonder of the World’ told me to give up the ‘Rainbow Chasing’ and get a real job, like HE did. The fact that i saw him yesterday, in the middle of an empty dancefloor, of a club where your feet stick to the floor, you’re served cocktails in plastic cups, and the women have beer bellies & beards…dancing alone, to the merry sounds of 80’s classics, at noon, made me sad for a few good seconds!! Then i realised that the whole front of the club was a street window, and EVERY passerby could view the dancefloor, as clear as the day itself. Brought the smile back on my evil f****** face!! Mwahahaha! Tragical!

I’m currently watching a ‘Hollyoaks’ Omnibus, where they have the sign language person in the corner…translating the drama. I’m forgetting to actually watch the show, as i’m so tremendously dazed by the ‘sign language’ lady, and her ‘hip hop’ sign language moves!! She’s ACE!!! Makes me wanna be a little bit deaf and McJiggy ‘wid it?’

Nothing else to report other than the fact that i’m being a bit of a ‘dirty flirty,’ (Come on you boys) and was woken up to the wonderful sound of, ‘Wake up you WHORE!’ Delicious! (Sorry this blog was shite, but i’m flipping exhausted…so cut me some slack!)

Chrissie Wunna

They thought i was KFC

So i’m half naked, high heeled, have the biggest eyelashes known to man carefully placed upon my eyes! Va Vooooom baby! Yeah! Yeah! !! I’ve been sprayed, groomed, exercised, tanned and armed with ‘Danger’ in my eyes, i have just been smeared with KFC chicken oil, (yes..you heard,) and nibbled by peoples domestic pets! HORRIBLE! It’s not very many times in your life that animals eat you, because they believe you are KFC. So even though, i’m absolutely LIVID ….i’m going to try and file it under ‘Good times’ and be done!

It’s not even noon, and whilst i’ve been getting my hair and face done, for no particular reason other than ‘i’m going Christmas shopping,’ My dear friends, i’ll them ‘BASTARDS,’ with their crappy ‘Bargain bucket,’ picked out lumps of greasy f****** chicken, and rubbed it all over my body. Then proceeded to obtain as many domestic pets as possible, (mid-rollers, eye-makeup, and boob adjust) and FEED ME to THEM, under the false pretence (don’t care if i spelt it right)  that i was ‘KFC.’ I am bleeding!! The ‘LOSER’ thing about it, is the fact that i didn’t even bloody notice, because i was doing that thing called ‘only caring about myself.’  Tragic!! Ha-ha!!

I’m now having to pause from my little blog writing session, to go kick some Merry Christmas ASS!! I’m gonna go for the ‘kill them with kindness’ approach. they won’t know what hit them!!

Step into Xmas Bitches

Influenced by quite rubbish morning television, i’ve decided to make a ‘Credit Crunch, Christmas Wreath,’ in a pink n white polka dot nighty, with Xmas bows in my hair, armed with kittens, champagne and my telly turned on to some ‘make your house look better, for cheap’ show. So yeah, here’s ‘Chrissie’s Credit Crunch Christmas Wreath’ thing…for under a £10. I mean, it’s about time everyone got into the bloody spirit a bit more. You all look miserable!! Shit, i forgot to put my diamantes on…(yeeeeeeeah, bitch!)

Anyway, firstly buy a lavish amount of Christmasy CRAP. Grab ya baubles, your cones, your nuts, ya golden beads, your fake robins and those stupid Xmas bows you can buy…oh and with wire attached. Good quality Christmas junk is essential. (Mine actually came to £57.06, which is not under a tenner..but f*** the Credit Crunch..where’s my champagne???) Follow the the purchasing, with a glass of booze. Bubbly booze! Then turn on the soothing sounds of ‘Britney Spears’ (preferably ‘Gimme Gimme More,’ as it makes you feel sexy and sends out the message that Christmas is for TAKING & very rarely for …can i even say it…’Giving!’) Sing a long…! Attach all the stuff you wasted your money on, onto your plastic Christmas wreath, (which i actually forgot to tell you to buy…hahaha!) Swig a little bit more Champagne. Adjust your boobs. Wiggly around to Britney, chuck a whole bunch glitter on it and HANG  your MASTERPIECE up. (‘Da, Daaaaaaaaaaaaa!’) As you hang it, drink more bubbly booze, switch the music to VICTORY Xmas tunes…and have a jolly old time. Yay!! The kittens ‘shatt’ on mine. Ugh!

History of Fairy lights: Way back when, some Dude saw starlight through ferns. He travelled back and put baby candles on his own dear ferns, hence fairy lights! Random!!

Bad to the Bone

Soooo narked off right now! I always get these ‘Warnings’ from various popular social networking sites, basically giving me a stern telling off (via alarmingly scary coloured ‘pop-up’s) for ‘inappropriate-may be offensive’ photos. I got one today from Facebook. WHAT!!!! YOU guys are out of your MINDS!! There is absolutely NOTHING, remotely breaking the ‘code of conduct’ on my Facebook Profile. And the fact that there’s a whole ‘giggly-gaggle ‘of girls, with the exact same ‘type’ of photos, (some a lot more scandalous,) ALLOWED to plonk up their picture..makes me ‘Ninja karate chop’ MAD!! This happens to Me… ALL the time. It’s not fair and it’s only because little ‘Chrissie Wunna’ usually comes with a ‘Naughty, Naughty’ tag. Yeah, I’m known for being a cheeky trouble- maker, AND making a glorious amount of mistakes…yet stop SCORNING Me, before i’ve even had time to make one!! (Swines!) You’re ruining the whole purpose to my existence. (haha) No really you are..

So, if you reported my ‘no boobs, nipples, or anything out’ picture as ‘inappropriate’, then you’re a ‘Walk into trees…PILLOCK!’ It was a picture of my FACE!! Even my FACE is not allowed on f****** FACE-book! Tragical! The sheer injustice of it,  just makes me want to be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Bring it!

The Four Pump Sherlock

Just recieved a text all the way from New York, from a guy friend, who just wanted to inform me that he just got done ‘Four Pump Sherlocking’ someone! (hahaha.) I made this little phrase up, after i was once ‘Four Pumped McSherlock’ by a boy who i worked my friday night shift with…when i worked at a gym. Long story, i was partying at the Mondrian, and had to get driven by a ‘i didn’t know he was gay yet’ friend, to have a bedroom shuffle. I named a dress after him. He then went on to write a rap about me containing the words, ‘I hit it, but i quit it, ‘cos i found a better girl…’ How romantic! Can anyone say ‘Asshole??’ Good times!

Anyway, the ‘Four Pump Sherlock’ is when a guy (during ‘Sexytime’) completely (and by accident) misses your Vagina hole and wedges his Penis inbetween your inner thighs and ‘pumps’… ferociously. (4 Times!)Quite unfortunately, he’s really enjoying himself, not noticing that he is nowhere near your cubby holed, ‘love dome,’ as he’s sausage humping…well, nothing….hahahah!  You know it’s happenned to you, and don’t worry, it’s usually HILARIOUS! It’s more awkward for the girl, as we have to do the ‘erm…that’s not my Vagina’ speech, whilst naked, and no longer able to do any more fake ‘Ooh/Arrrr’ faces. The guy pretty much, just doesn’t care, and re-jabs it in, now trying to pretend he’s the hottest sex machine ever…in order to make up for the ‘Oops!’ Tragic!!! GET OUT OF MY SHEETS!

Welcome to the ‘Four Pump Sherlock.’ It’s a dirty phrase, kinda up there with ‘you have to be repsonsible now’ and ‘we really have to talk.’ Love it!! (But not really!)

Chrissie Wunna x

Purrrfect Pussies

EXHAUSTED!! Oh my GOD! So last night i got the kittens. It has probably been the most difficult thing i have ever had to do, in my life, like EVER!! I’m the Mother to the most insane bunch of pussies, all ‘Attention whores,’ all with a mind of their own, all little snuggle bunnies, but all ninja- fighting for their mark on My world!! It’s crazy! Now i know how all my boyfriends have felt having to deal with ME!! I have three of ‘ME’ to look after, and it’s ‘INSANIA!!’ The Good Lord is testing Me, but i’d rather do it with Kittens than with Penis’s! So i’m grateful!

I have kittens, cheekily running circles around me, kittens dangling off the curtains, kittens darting from space to space, kittens hanging off my left boob, kittens peeing on things and kittens swinging from my hair extentions!! Hilarious!!! I love them!! I have finally got them all to calm down, via the sheer art of ‘LUXURY,’ but they demand 100% attention all of the time, that they keep scratching each others eyes out. NICE! It’s very telling, they’re just like drunken ‘fame hungry’ hussies in a bar, trying to get to Brody Jenner.

The good thing is that my pussies like TV. So i’ve plonked on ‘Desperate Housewives’ and funnily enough, their world of craziness, has come to an immediate ‘HALT!!’ They are soooo cutely lined up infront of the telly, and are watching it, like their life depended on what ‘Brie’ was going to do next! Thank F*** for that, cos i need to ‘Chillax.’ I love them soooo much, and yes they’re all snotty jealous DIVA’s, but for some strange reason….it works for them! I couldn’t be without them! All they want is to watch American televison and jump into my clevage. There favourite place is between my boobies. (hahah) They have their first major photo shoot, in a few days! Here we go….

Febreeze Me and I am Good to go

I really have woken up in a friends appartment, after a night of ‘mischief,’ with ‘last nights’ clothes still on, ‘last night’s’ makeup still clinging onto my dear face, and before having to face the world, gone into their bathroom, used their toothbrush and ‘Febreezed’ myself. Skank much!