Chrissie does Virgin Daughters

So last night, i watched that ‘Virgin Daughters’ documentary. I mean it was just a gift from God, who made it WAY to easy for me to ridicule. Quite often in England, (about once a week) we get a documentary about bizarre ‘goings on’ in some part of America. It’s always done in a ‘Americans are weird, thank god we’re British’ kind of way, and with me basically growing up (emotionally) in Los Angeles, i’m usually quite sympathetic toward the random American rituals, but this took the biscuit!! Fucking weirdos!

Okay, so it was about these fathers in Colorado, who manipulate their daughters (when they’re like 6 years of age and upwards) into making a ‘Purity pack’ with God. They are not to touch, kiss, and certainly not allowed to have ‘OOH ARR Sailor’ with a boy, until the day they are wed. If they do, they’re like going to HELL or something?? Their father, chooses who they marry, or even talk to and every year there’s this random ‘Purity ball’ thrown by some Priest (who’s name is ‘RANDY!!!’ I mean, for crying out loud, a Priest of Purity can’t be called fucking ‘RANDY,’) where the girls celebrate being Virgins!! In my mind 6 year olds should be celebrating crayons, not how they haven’t had sex.

The ball is like some GRANDER than grand fairytale, where the daughters worship their fathers, wear floaty dresses and although it has ‘nothing to do with religion,’ they skip around some giant sized CROSS, with scarves, because GOD said they had too. (Erm? Go God?? Funny, i’m good with God, and she lets me be a total slag, without the skipping?) It looks almost PERVERTED like the daughters, are saving themselves for their own daddies and dancing for them. The old codgers are winking, (probably whacking it under the the dinner table,) and signing little bits of paper saying that they now OWN their Daughters PURITY! Even my own dad, who was watching it with me, and eating his chicken curry was like, ‘This is rubbish Chrissie, put the news on. Lets hear about the banks going bust!!’

I swear, half of those Dads, creep into their 7 year olds bedroom, after five pints and a porno. They all have like 27 children each and they didn’t get that by staying ‘PURE.’ (One Dad had 9 kids to 7 different women!!!) They’re saying, its’a super sized SIN, for some unsavory boy to take away their daughters Virgin goodness, but what they really mean is…. before THEY get to. The daughters shouldn’t be scared to have sex, with handsome young boys. Eternal damnation, is ACE!! It’s where all the cool people are. There’s sometimes nothing quite like the basic flames of HELL.

Call me irresponsible for being ‘De-Flowered’ outside a pub, in Pontefract, on a grassy knoll, but those kids aren’t PURE they’re mucky little Virgins. Filthy little mis-guided flower fairies. Dirty little tarts.They’re taught that the dating scene is crude and full of misery. NO it’s not, it’s GREATNESS!! You get to SHAG real life BOYS!! LOADS of them!! I hate those controlling Fatherly perverts! They are ruining their daughters lives by cutting away their experience of it. They’re the women that end up getting abused and running back to daddy, where they’re safe and warm, and buggered between the times of 2-4am, whilst Mummy is asleep.

I am desperate to get my arse down to Colorado and show them a thing or three. I wonder what they’d do?? ‘Chrissie does Virgin Daughters!! (and maybe their fathers too??)’ It’s a Hit!! (hahahaha.) I should turn up in my leopard print glory and do some private (ahem) ‘interviewing.’ Girls who are signing PURITY packs, are not saintly, or closer to GOD. They’re just girls who are stupid enough to  believe that ‘Pure’ actually means clean. Vegas does not name their clubs after Virgins!! There’s no virgins in ‘PURE.’

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