I’ve just woken up to the most wonderful, Autumn morning. The air is cold and crisp. There’s a stretched beam of light, dancing around the garden, the lawn is slightly glossed with the finest frickled frost, and that fresh Yorkshire air, is swirling chills up and down my spine. God, it’s good to be home!! It’s these little things, (along with cold hard cash, good times and Malibu Pineapples) that makes me happy. They’re priceless!! Even though I’m often portrayed as one of those ‘not quite all there’ party girls. And even though the ‘Good time Sally’ IS a major part of my genetic makeup…i’m actually also the kind of girl who takes notice, and appreciates the tiny birds chirping, the chill in the air, the smiles on faces, the scent of a rose and why men go to brothels….repeatedly. Figuring out the junk in my head, is almost as tough as mastering the Rubix cube, naked and on one leg. It can only be done, by a DRUNK, or a GENIUS. (Yee-haa!)
I did actually have something to talk about, but now i’ve forgotten. My good friend ‘Big Balls Byron’ was in France at the weekend at…‘the party of the decade..a friends daughters 21st. The place was aswirl with earls duchesses and their well heeled beautiful offspring all against the backdrop of the most immaculately styled large french house and grounds. Needless to say we had them bopping till dawn…I was of course tarting around the stage and in fine voice.’
It kinda makes you feel lke your life is shit, right???? (hahaha) Just thought the way he reported his fun times, was much better than how i would’ve reported it…so like all great talents, i’m stealing it, like the dirty whore that i am, and taking ALL the credit! But whatever he’s old, so therefore much wiser…or something?? Love you B!!! He’s the only man to look good in skinny jeans.
Anyhow, it’s not even 9 am and the news has taught me lots of things. Like, banks go BUST and ‘texting when you drive is WORSE, than smoking cannibis, whilst driving.’ I did once send a text message, mid clutching a steering wheel. I ended up smacking into the back of a Range Rover, in 4.7 seconds. Luckily the LA boys in it, were young and perverted, so they didn’t care. Unluckily the bicycle cop next to me….not really he was perverted too, so also let me get away with it!!! Really he did! I think he even gave me a thumbs up. He thought i was a ‘Pussycat Doll.’
Anyway, stating that ‘texting’ is worse than ‘pot smoking’ when driving was the dumbest thing they could’ve ever placed on our TV Screens. (I’m Anti- ‘me taking drugs,’ by the way just so you know. ) Now all the little Chavs are gonna be all ‘Puffed’ up (well that can mean a lot of things…hahaha) and claiming it’d be worse if they ‘texted!!’ Like we need to hear anymore logic, from angry ‘mummy didn’t love me’ Chavs.
Finally, the Greatest thing i learnt this morning via the News, is that Madonna, Amy Winehouse, Cliff Richard, and Posh n Becks, are all now LEGO characters. You know you’re a Legend, when your Lego. Like you can build one of though crap spaceships and plonk Cliff Richard in it, ‘Lego spooning’ Vicki Beckham. I actually can’t stand Lego, but the Amy Winehouse one is GREATNESS!! She almost looks sober.