Tooth fairy please

Sailed through the day on auto-pilot. I’m a bit moody, and feeling kinda, ‘can’t be arsed,’ due to periods and well, that’s pretty much all really. My red seas are a bit rough this month….hahah! So gross!! Anyway, i’m having major trouble trying to maintain my glittery ‘fuck me’ nails. A red fake diamond, actually fell off my ‘pointing’ finger today, by getting trapped in a grubby push top dustbin. It’s hardly a very glamourous way to exit. I’m quite disappointed!! It’s funny how things fall off?? (oh, here we go) Whilst i was merrily partying at The Abbey, West Hollywood, some boy called, ‘Peter,’ well i think, it’s Peter?? I don’t know, but he teaches ‘spinning’ classes at Crunch and knew me really well. Anyway, mid talking to me, about some guy he fancies, and bitching about shoes, he opens his mouth and his front tooth pings out of his mouth, bounces off my malibu pineapple glass, and falls onto a muddy patch of ground. Peter, pretends it hasn’t happened. There’s a weirdly awkward pause, then lots of me pissing myself with laughter, at the fact that i’m having to pretend it never happened, to make spin teacher Peter feel comfortable, and a lot less like single buck toothed Joe, who now can’t say the word ‘sizzle.’ I was with a ‘good model friend,’ who by this time was basically glaring at the gap, in his beautiful McGums, and doing a very shit job at hiding the glaring, so i figured the best thing to do is to politely say: ‘Yo Dude, ya tooth just pinged out!!’

There’s another moment of silence, with all kinds of gay madness going on around us, and Don’t Cha by the Pussycat Dolls, playing in the background. And even though Peter is well aware his tooth has pinged into a muddy hell hole, in the ground, he does the ‘Oh my God…no….it has??’ So pleads with me to help find it, without looking like he has one front tooth missing. I get on my hands and knees, in my lime green dress, shine 2 mobile phones, and in about 5 minutes, and lots of scrambling around under pipes, and gay mans litter, i pluck out a Peter’s front tooth, from the nastiest crack known to mankind. He’s basically almost in tears, due to this unfortunate embarassment, and snatches it straight out of my hands, dips it into his martini, and plonks it straight back into his mouth…and once again acts like it never happened!! God punished him for not saying ‘thank you,’ and after about the third ‘honey, like whatever…’sentence, he’s gibber jabbering away, and his tooth pings out again, but this time covered in a slither of saliva, and into my friends drink. The drink is dropped, there’s panic and scrambling for the tooth. I see it, out of one slanted eyes, and with my highest heeled fur boot, lift up my gentle daisy knee, and STOMP on it and hard as i can.

I hope he got a new one???

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