Chrissie Wunna Update

Chrissie is currently AWAY winking at strangers, feeding the chimps, being busy and dancing with fairies. Please do take the time during her absence, to re-read her ‘misty water-coloured,’ Mcblogs. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two…but probably not…hahaha!

She sends her love! x

A delicious morning mouthful

My life is like a Countdown conundrum. It’s a jibble jabble of letters that hopefully one misty day, a ‘wordy genius’ will figure out for me. There’s a great deal of excitement about to be poured upon me, by the glittery pink bucket load. I can’t wait, however the waiting IS actually killing me, therefore i might be pathetically DEAD ( i know, how irresponsible of me,) before i it gets round to the exciting ‘glittery bucket load’ stuff. I can’t contain myself, but i need to try, as i’m looking like a TWAT, all smiley and jumpy. I’m British, smiley and jumpy, is odd. I can’t believe i’m 27 and still learning how to be British? (The fact that there might actually be a ‘how to be british’ book, cracks me up.) I did take a detour though, with me being a stinky pile of alsorts, squashed together into one Burmese, Hollywood, but very English meaty lump. Delicious Delores! Put that in ya Kidney pie and…um?? It’s morning, i’m slow….bare with me.

Anyway, Good morning and everything my Darlings. I’m about to make new tea, as this one has dead flies in it. It’s Autumn, and i never loved Autumn, until now. It’s fresh, it’s crisp, and when i was about 7, my prep school around this time, would hold an ‘Interhouse Conker Competition.’ My mum was wasting all that money on Posh private prep school, and all we seemed to be doing was aimlessly smashing conkers into each other, for ‘housepoints,’ after singing, ‘He’s got the whole world in his hands.’ I need to go. I’m in desperate need for a tan. I look like i’ve been powdered down with icing sugar. The weather rocks, but the ‘can’t get a healthy glow’ thing sucks hairy balls.

Chrissie Cinderella and all that jazz

Okay so when i was little, my daddy use to tell me bedtime stories every night to help stir my imagination before i went to sleep. (Oh here we go!) It’s meant to give you a creative child. (Or one that’s quite unusual.) Anyway, when i say bedtime stories, i mean he would take regular fairytales, completely make up a whole new story, then put my name in front of the original title. (For example: ‘Chrissie Cinderella/ Chrissie and the Beanstalk/Chrissie Little Red Riding Hood.’) These stories we’re GREATNESS, as he acted them all out, with all the voices and everything. There were even songs included. He’s a bit ‘doo-lally’, but it works for him!! I guess, i intend to tell them to my daughter one day, (if i ever decide to have one??) However, i think i’ll keep my own name in the title. It’ll give it more ‘zing,’ and keep it ‘sexy.’ Not that it’s all about Me, but it really is all about MEEEEEEEEE!! Not that i’m gonna teach her ‘sexy.’ But i’m totally gonna teach her ‘sexy.’  Oh, that classical boy band ‘Blake,’ is on the telly. I love them, they have this random ‘Va Voom.’ I always imagine that when they’re wasted, they’d all burst into perfectly classical ‘Posh English Gentleman’ harmony. Why is the weather lady on TV telling me it’s ‘Blustery Showers’ when it’s currently super sunny outside?? Go back to Weather Girl school!! Oh shit sorry, she’s on about Ireland.

Anyhow, last night, i tucked Daddy in (this is all sounding very dodgy, i know, hahaha- but he’s just got over a little stroke, so i’m having to help him do everything.) Before he went to sleep, and after telling me that ‘no-one has a daughter’ like he does (aww…) He decides he’s going to tell me a bedtime story, (even though he’s the one going to bed??) It was completely MAGICAL and took me straight back in time, as he re-told the stories, (but ALL THREE in one.) Chrissie Cinderella, ended up finding herself up a bloody Beanstalk, with dodgy beans that she got from ‘Spar.’ And although he skipped a couple major parts of the story line..they were still just as ‘MAGNIFICENT’ as they had ever been. If not BETTER!! (ha-ha) It’s funny how no sense at all, makes clear sense to me.

 I’m 27, turning 18 and a half and i still get bedtime stories from my daddy. It doesn’t get much better than that!! Well…it kinda does. I need to go tanning.

That little thing called happiness

I am the HAPPIEST bunny on the block. Not that there are bunnies, on blocks? (Well, on my block there is.) Anyway, enough of the brain ache, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy and it’s contagious. All day, i’ve been singing, dancing, skipping on rainbows, and leaping from merry cloud to cloud. (I’m not on drugs.) My surroundings have been marvellous, and the people filling up my ‘surrounding area’ have not only been singing ‘Chirpy chirpy, cheep cheep,’ whilst emptying trash cans (never really got that song…the ‘where’s ya momma gone,’ part,) yet have also been brimming over with crazily joyous ‘ooh laa.’ I don’t know what happened, but i LOVE it!! I honestly feel so MARVELLOUS, i could SCREAM!! Love it!! So excited!!

Not much happened today, other than sunshine, shopping and the giggles. I’ve laughed so hard, i’ve cried almost 47 times. I literally feel like i’m on some utterly wonderful bouncy castle, (random) that shoots you all the way up to the sky and back soaring. Every landing is a soft one, making you laugh your arse off, until you eventually feel sick. I’ve spent soooo much money, yet bought the most delightful little treats. I feel like a princess, and as hot as the flames of hell. (Yeah baby!) I’m feeling like a superstar, all minxy and McWinky. I’m currently waiting for my pyjamas to dry on a radiator, and i have just latin american sambaed (quite poorly) across my kitchen, mid boiling potatoes. But fuck it, i’m happy! I LOVE MY LIFE!! (By tomorrow i’ll be miserable…don’t worry! Ha-ha!)

No time for McBoredom

I get bored really easily, but only when i have nothing to do and not when i’m all engines a go-go. I have to emphasize that, as i often come across people who are bored with EVERYTHING after 2 seconds of bliss, and they use it as an excuse, as to why they couldn’t get a job finished (‘i was bored with it,’) or why they can’t stay with a person, (‘I was bored with them.’) I’m not that person. You were’nt BORED, you we’re just rubbish. As long as my mind, body and ‘funny bone’  is being constantly exercised, i am all daffodils and dandiness. If they’re not, i guess i’m….thorougly bored? (haha) Ugh! This is already going badly. I should stick to the dirty humour. I’m like a fungating mass of nonsense. I’m trying to keep it clean before noon, and when i say ‘it’ i do mean  my ‘B’gina.’ All smiles!! My nail rhinestone, has just fucked up my laptop. It fell down the crack, betwen the ‘R’ and the ‘T’ and now i can’t press the letter ‘R’ down appropriately. God is punishing me!!

 Anywhow, luckily i’m not bored today, as i am being treated, to a massive shopping spree. Why??? Simply because my daughtering skills are GREATNESS!! The reason why you should be a good to your folks, is simply because they buy you stuff as a reward and not because they raised, educated and nurtured you. I mean, anyone can do that, right??? My one friend, well her mum keeled over and died when she was 2, then her dad left her for a vodka bottle. She’s now got purple hair, but other than that and of course a tad bit of sheer emotional disturbance, she’s doing just fine!!! She actually, might be dead now? I haven’t spoken to her in years.

I need to go, as i’m being beckoned by my Mother. Did i really just make fun of a girl who’s mother died??? I’m going to hell!!

Total Enlightenment Rocks

Was up by 5.30 am, due to a sensor light that wouldn’t turn off. It was still dark outside, so the light was blinding. The milkman had arrived, and i heard the tinker-tanker of glass bottles. I usually then hear a ‘start of the engine,’ (no i don’t as i’m usually passed out and dribbling…it’s all lies! haha), but today after the ‘tinker-tanker’ there was silence, and a blinding ‘still on’ sensor light. So i wait like a good 6 minutes. There’s still no engine starting, and the light is still glaring. So i totter up to my window, all grumpy, and well…just grumpy really, and to my ASTONISHMENT the milkman is peeing in our GARDEN! Actually doing a WEE, in our plants!! OMG!! He couldn’t just wait?? Anyhow, the weird thing about it, is that i didn’t actually say anything to him. I just stood there and watched!! (haha) He shook it off, zipped up, and tinker-tankered back to his van. The sensor light went off, i was a happy chappy…then i primped and groomed, as i was having to get up early anyway, to go to Birmingham.

Spent all day at the Burmese Peace Pagoda (in Birmingham) today. I go every few months, to check that i’m ‘pure of heart’ and get blessed. The place is all golden and magical, and full of real life monks from Burma and i figure that if i hang around these ‘do gooders’ even for just an hour, a little bit of there ‘goodness’ will rub off on me. (I’m buddhist by the way, just incase you didn’t know.) All went well, i listened to what they had to say about Karma, love, and that good things happen to good people. I was actually quite impressed (even though i fell asleep twice). This one monk (he was obviously the one in charge) said it didn’t matter what religion you labelled yourself, as that’s all ‘surface level.’ To attract good things into your life, you just have to have a pure heart..that’s all that matters. You can be one of those, ‘i go to church every fucking Sunday’ kind of people, and still not have even NEARLY a pure heart. (After all that, I didn’t even have to go!!) I fell asleep through the rest of it, due to the chanting (i like the chanting part) and i kept getting prodded by a granny. I figured, if one of the monks can doze off mid-chant, then I can right?? He was practically snoring!! At least i disguised mine as ‘meditation.’

Had a great day, yet it was a tad distracting due to the sea of people there ( i hate it when it’s busy, i like all the attention. We usually book the monks for private sessions. haha) Anyway, whilst the big monk in charge was teaching me stuff, this giant sized, as big as a house statue of a Buddha, was sitting behind him, with pink and gold candles, flowers and well just extravagant magnificence. There was even a chandelier!! Anyhow, around the Buddha’s head was an unfortunate display of neon lights. Either ‘Total Enlightenment ‘ is a Vegas slot machine, or Buddha’s on drugs??? These lights, all red and green (they formed a Halo circle around His head) zoomed in and out, around and round, turned into flowers, turned into stars, then basically pulsed and pulsed, until they finally decided to ‘swirl, swirl spin,’ only to stop….then do it all over again. (The fact that i know the sequence, is worrying.) Anyhow, I have absolutely NO idea what my monk said, (except the ‘good heart’ thing and that i was pretty) as the lights were just ruining my trip to ‘Nirvana,’ or ‘Inner peace’ or …i dunno, whatever…??? Then these little 4 year old girls, in rainbow striped tops, starting playing ‘snap’ with ‘Buy one get one free’ coupons, and well that was it for me. I took my PURE bloody heart and drove it back home, in heels and with an attitude problem. ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ saved me. I have now reached Total Enlightenment!! Hurrah! I need wine!

Sniffing on apples

Everyone’s being too super nice to me today. Something really fishy is going on?? I feel on edge like i’m about to get wedgied or fall through a musty trap door. What is going on?? (haha) I must be  completely evil, if the ‘everybody being super nice’ thing, worries me. It’s hilarious! I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, as of yet, apart from blow party hooters, (the ones with the red and white striped paper tubes, that roll up and roll out, when you huff down them) in peoples faces for random comedic value. It’s funny how the continuous ‘smacking’ in the face (as it rolls out) doesn’t bother them, as much as the sound of the ‘hoot.’ Maybe everyone’s just terrified that i might write about them, so they’re ‘egg shelling’ around me?? Who knows?? It’s weird though??

I’m so incredibly excited to watch ‘Russell Brand live’ tonight, as he’s always poncing around my dreams uninvited. I’ve never seen him ‘shoot the shit’ before for a whole hour, so it better be good as i’m missing Al Murray burlesque in a pint of beer for it!! Other than that i’m sniffing on a cut open green apple. It’s meant to ease ‘the fear of tight spaces,’ and I’m in a pantry. You don’t eat it, you just apparently sniff it. FYI, it doesn’t work. Anyone who has mild claustrophobia needs to sniff the scent of WIDE OPEN SPACES, not Granny Smiths! I feel like a proper plonker!