I want wine, and i don’t have a single drop in the house, to calm my tormented soul and i’m soooooo pissed off, as it’s always when you really want some, that you can never find the tiniest barrel. My tongue is desparately dry wagging for a bit of oakey vino, and i need some NOW goddamit!! Ugh!! There’s like not even a leftover crap bottle of Lambrusco anywhere??? What is wrong with this place?? I need some booze!! I want wine NOW!!! This is a good time to have a boyfriend available, to waggle my empty glass in his face, and do that ‘i’m dry, you might not get sex’ look, so i’m immediately brought gallons of booze!! Ugh! GOD!!
If i were a wine i’d be a Lambrusco, (haha.. sounds like an audition answer, for a crap gameshow!!) I so happened to hear on the party grapvine, that the cheapest, nastiest, just tatses like ‘fizz’ wine is making a major comeback. I’m as you can see, a fan of all wine, and definitely a fan of cheap, nasty, fizzy wine..so i’m really excited..but kind of not, as i don’t have any infront of me. The only problem is that ‘Marks n Sparks’ is bringing it back on the market, and trying to disguise it as POSH!! (UGH! Please stop!) The only great thing about Lambrusco is the fact that it’s just below middle class, and you’re able to swig it out of the bottle with very little shame. I think they’re claiming, their new brand of vino is all special and trendy again, because it’s made from grapes grown in ‘Emilio Romagna,’ (which sounds like a hot blooded handsome male.) Unfortunately, it’s just a region of Northern Italy (yes i do have the brochure in front of me. I was staring at it, fantasising about the grapey booze i don’t seem to have..) which to me, as i’m no wine boffin simply translates as ‘big fucking garden.’
It says, all sorts of posh folk, are calling it ‘Brilliant!!’ (Lets not get carried away now!) And also saying it’s ‘red,’ (well then it’s obviously not ‘Lambrusco’ then, is it!!) It also apparently ‘goes fabulously’.. rah rah.. with food! No it bloody doesn’t!! It goes fabulously with too much eyeliner, red fishnets and an ugly male. I say ‘ugly male’ because you can totally ‘bottle-down’.. this wine..proper ‘neck it all in one,’ create a massive ‘can’t see’ headache and therefore not have to ‘put out.’ Unless he’s a complete bastard and makes you anyway!! Chances are he won’t be ugly AND selfish- so the ‘Lambrusco headache’ excuse will completely work out. (My tip for the day)
Some ‘Penis’ who works at the ‘Tate’ claims, (and who honestly cares what ‘Tate- Penis’ thinks, as he calls himself, ‘Head Sommelier,’…anyone who calls themselves that MUST be a wanker!!) Too many jokes in one mouthful!! (hahahahah) Anyway, he says: ‘It’s Brilliant wine for a barbecue!!’ Erm…?? Firstly, Oooooooooooookay…that’s all you could come up with, armed with a wine degree? (God, having no wine makes me grumpy!!) Secondly, the only brilliant wine for a barbecue is BEER goddamit!!! (MMmmmmmm….beer!) I need booze!!