Just got a phone call from one of the many exes. It’s actually not the one i’m about to talk about, but it was one that i dated in England, when i was about 18. He was a council estate, dealer of recreational vices, and i was a prim and proper ‘boarding school’ princess. He’s now kinda on wheels, and well…i’m still a prim and proper princess, and about to gossip about some other ex, (nothings changed) as it took me back in time! Wow! That was a badly punctuated mouthful!
Okay, since i’m remembering…Can you believe that ‘I,’ little whorey Miss.Wunna, has actually dated (for about 8 months) a real life ‘Son of a preacher man,’ (sing it bitches!) and boy was he the dirtiest bastard in bed. And i don’t mean dirty as in ‘oooh arr Mary,’ i mean ‘Oh Jesus, God no, EWW!’ I’m not sure what the point system is, on holding a relationship with a Pastors son? Yet, i’m sure i score major points, right??
Cleverly disguised as a ‘very christian’ Ralph Lauren underwear model, (looked a lot like ‘Tyson Beckford’) he was sitting at a restuarant. I saw him, whilst i was on a date with another boy, (Sammy) and i guess we just spoke ‘silent code’ or something, as ‘Pastors son’ and ‘I’ both ‘accidently on purpose,’ excused oursleves, then ventured off to the toilets at the same time, and started making out ferociously, behind a plant. I can’t decide whether that’s extremely ‘romantic’ for just plain ‘slutty?’ Anyway, i’m trying to keep this short…this ‘Son of a Preacher Man’ would recite crappy passages from the Bible at lunch to Me (snooze alert) after i flipping paid. God! It would really actually piss me off, as he kept going on & on about ‘Mark, Chapter 2 or something??’ I didn’t even know the Bible started with ‘In the Beginning…’ I thought it started with a jolly old, (mummy voice) ‘Once upon a time….’ Anyway, then at night, he’d woo me, and ‘love’ me all over town……on Los Angeles balconies, in seedy sex clubs, and even in leopard print cubby holes….with other couples!! He was a full on dirty ‘swinger.’ Okay, I myself, am not really into all that confusion. I find it tiring enough trying to please one bloody person, (and that’s usually Me) let alone 3 other ‘randoms’!! Yeah, It’s a giant ‘put off,’ if a gentleman is into all that ‘swinging’ malarky….as i can’t really be bothered with it and you end up seeing the ‘randoms’ at supermarkets and coffee shops. However,( I’m not good at keeping this fucking short, am I??) I just wanted him to adore me, and at all costs (as i was incredibly shallow, and ofcourse, didn’t want to lose the ‘Ralph Lauren underwear model,’ so i tried my ‘veriest bestest’ to fulfill his mucky sexual quota….i unfortunately did terribly. He ended up crying!! (hilarious!) I was young, it was gross, we’re no longer together…and that my Dears is what happens when you date a ‘good Christian boy….’ (Sing me OUT Sisters!!)