The only man who could ever teach me

Just got a phone call from one of the many exes. It’s actually not the one i’m about to talk about, but it was one that i dated in England, when i was about 18. He was a council estate, dealer of recreational vices, and i was a prim and proper ‘boarding school’ princess. He’s now kinda on wheels, and well…i’m still a prim and proper princess, and about to gossip about some other ex, (nothings changed) as it took me back in time! Wow! That was a badly punctuated mouthful!

Okay, since i’m remembering…Can you believe that ‘I,’ little whorey Miss.Wunna, has actually dated (for about 8 months) a real life ‘Son of a preacher man,’ (sing it bitches!)  and boy was he the dirtiest bastard in bed. And i don’t mean dirty as in ‘oooh arr Mary,’ i mean ‘Oh  Jesus, God no, EWW!’ I’m not sure what the point system is, on holding a relationship with a Pastors son? Yet, i’m sure i score major points, right??

Cleverly disguised as a ‘very christian’ Ralph Lauren underwear model, (looked a lot like ‘Tyson Beckford’) he was sitting at a restuarant. I saw him, whilst i was on a date with another boy, (Sammy) and i guess we just spoke ‘silent code’ or something, as ‘Pastors son’ and ‘I’ both ‘accidently on purpose,’ excused oursleves, then ventured off to the toilets at the same time, and started making out ferociously, behind a plant. I can’t decide whether that’s extremely ‘romantic’ for just plain ‘slutty?’ Anyway, i’m trying to keep this short…this ‘Son of a Preacher Man’ would recite crappy passages from the Bible at lunch  to Me (snooze alert) after i flipping paid. God! It would really actually piss me off, as he kept going on & on about ‘Mark, Chapter 2 or something??’ I didn’t even know the Bible started with ‘In the Beginning…’ I thought it started with a jolly old, (mummy voice) ‘Once upon a time….’ Anyway, then at night, he’d woo me, and ‘love’ me all over town……on Los Angeles balconies, in seedy sex clubs, and even in leopard print cubby holes….with other couples!! He was a full on dirty ‘swinger.’ Okay,  I myself, am not really into all that confusion. I find it tiring enough trying to please one bloody person, (and that’s usually Me) let alone 3 other ‘randoms’!! Yeah, It’s a giant ‘put off,’ if a gentleman is into all that ‘swinging’ malarky….as i can’t really be bothered with it and you end up seeing the ‘randoms’ at supermarkets and coffee shops. However,( I’m not good at keeping this fucking short, am I??) I just wanted him to adore me, and at all costs (as i was incredibly shallow, and ofcourse, didn’t want to lose the ‘Ralph Lauren underwear model,’ so i tried my ‘veriest bestest’ to fulfill his mucky sexual quota….i unfortunately did terribly. He ended up crying!! (hilarious!) I was young, it was gross, we’re no longer together…and that my Dears is what happens when you date a ‘good Christian boy….’ (Sing me OUT Sisters!!)

5 thoughts on “The only man who could ever teach me

  1. know that is wrong doingf it when u were with another geezer if i was sammy i would of cut the cunt from ear to ear and burnt his old mans chirch. and i would of had the right hump with u chrissie , and whyt did u want to please him he sounds like a prize prick babe u need to get with a normal fella underwaer models are jumnped up mugs with no idea about anything and if he was a sceptic i bet he was a cheesy prick. and who likes a god bothere my dutch nan is and me ands her dont get on

  2. Sammy wasn’t my boyfriend. I met him that day, working as an Extra on ‘E.R.’ (hahaha) He just tricked me into going on a date with him….i wanted free drinks. My boyfriend was at home. 🙂

  3. oh ok well i would of been fuming if it was me in that situation and the preacher boy would of been in bags of trouble coz u cant wipe your mouth of things like that but u would get away with it scott free coz u are a lady and it is wrong to shout or be violant ot them im quite old schooled. i hope your fridge forgave u if he found out chrissie

  4. Hello just wanted to say hi i just finish watching the Paris hilton show here in thailand i was sad to see you go well i wish best of luck in your life and if ever your in Phuket Island in Thailand give me a call. Cheers Kevin

Leave a Comment