Went back to Byron, who if you bothered to read my other blogs, will know he is a photographer for Playboy and is (cue champion music) a LEGEND!! It actually sounds better if you say ‘Legend’ like you’re French!! He’s one of my hero’s for some bizarre reason. I call him ‘Big Balls’ for no reason yet i genuinely think he’s as cool as Fonzee. I guess, first impression is everything, and he got an 11 out of 10. But i’m not really picky when it comes to choosing new friends.
Anyhow, we tend to gossip, bitch about everyday goings-on, and slag people off, more than we actually shoot. That’s possibly why i have such adoration for him. (Note: We’re permitted to judge others because the Good Lord has classified us as ‘Rock n Roll.’) He gave me tea in a leopard print cup again and talked about some house he wants to buy in Brussels with a bunch of other people. He had grapes, real juicy bunches of red grapes actually growing in his house on vines…over a brown Louis Vuitton luggage ‘hold all’, that he had just lobbed on some table, under some rams head skull thing. I questioned the grapes, as they look too awesome to actually be REAL bunches of random hanging grapes…but he says they are, so put that in ya fog horn and blow it. That skully rams head thing is scary though. I always find another random treasure in his home, each time i visit. It’s like a dusty Disneyland.
So Byron had bunches, and what did i have?? Oh no, not grapes..but a delicious USED, ‘with dried up period still on it’ tampon applicator, inside the left pocket of my dressing gown by the skanky blond that shot before me. Ewww!! I bloody reached in there, as you do, thinking i’d find diamonds. I found used vagina litter!! Just my luck!! That should be on a t-shirt!! ‘VAGINA LITTER.’ Anyhow we watched numerous youtube videos of Joan Rivers being a delectable terror (i’m a huge fan), and watched her bully ‘ i have no sense of humour’ Brigitte Nielson, who can’t take the heat, so storms of set!! Good old Joan, manages to beg her back onto the sofa, this time all apologetic and sweet. Brigitte returns with her 50 years younger than her muppet ‘waiter’ boyfriend…only for Joan to hilariously bully her all over again!! (hahah) Yet this time much worse. I love it!! Brigitte needs to get clubbed with a giant inflatable banana by the Jolly Green Giant or something?? What is wrong with her?? I simply can’t stand her. How can you be in ‘showbusiness’ with zero sense of of humour! Joan Rivers rocks!!
Anyway, we discussed how i probably wasn’t going to get my 8 page Playboy spread EVER, until my chest drops (it hasn’t dropped an inch)….then we shot for a hopeful ‘yes’ anyway, with a ‘I don’t know what to do???’ And a ‘You’re meant to be a flipping model.’ Fuck it, you’ve just got to give it a go right? He suggested topless jogging, in order to aid the law of gravity on my boobs, as there just so OUT there. Where’s fucking Issac when you need him, with his what goes up, must come down bullshit?? Heelloooo?? Obviously doesn’t apply to fakies. I love how my breasts challenge Mr.Newtons theory, but wished they didn’t. They have a mind of their own. Drop boobs DROP!! Well it’s too late now innit! Just for visual effect, i’m currently dancing around in a red bra (classy) to 50 cents, ‘Candy shop…’ join me!