Apparently i fake cried, out loud, in my sleep last night…twice. Hurrah! At least i’m not a ‘complete need therapy’ basket case. I believe it’s all lies, as i’m not that talented. I’ve had a room load of people gossip about other people, who i just so happen to accicently know, yet they don’t know i know them…hence the giddy tongue wagging. Most people find this situation uncomfortable. I find this EXCELLENT! Don’t get me wrong i do usually stick up for the people i know being gossiped about. However, the majority of the time, i can’t truely be arsed, so i seem to gossip along too. I don’t know why dear folk feel the need to open up around me, and tell me the life story of other people. I know so many secrets it’s sickenning. One minute i’m sitting there drinking a full-fat latte, the next minute ‘random chick number 2’ is sneeky eyed telling me, all about ‘Saucy Sarah’s rabi milkman romp.’ Saying that, i’d love to shag a milkman. He can semi-skim my arse any time.
People gossip about everyone and it’s great because you know you’re not worthless, if ‘randoms’ are chitter chattering about you….but only if it’s behind your back. I once had someone gossip about Me, to Me. Her name was ‘Sunny,’ and it was quite a moment of Greatness. I love ‘Sunny’ (even though i don’t at all know her,) she was about 4 foot tall, all smiles and giggles, draped in the cutest yellowest frilliest dress, and was from what i could see…a horny drunk. I believe Sunny was feeling my friend ‘Ians’ penis in broad daylight at a bar called ‘The Abbey’ in west hollywood, whilst swigging down 16 vodka somethings, like she was a sailor…y’know wiping leftover vodka residue from around her mouth with her arm, and flinging her empty vodka glass, down the length of the bar, joyously screaming for more. It was a magical moment! (Apart from the fact that she talked to close to my face.)
Anyway, mid getting politely rejected by ‘Ian’ and moving on to hit on our good happy (kinda miserable) friend ‘Jason Christopher,’ she stops, and tells me this very well animated, yet horrific story about the most whorey, skank, who’s picture was currently circuling the town…and quite unfortunately this picture involved the ‘skanks’ mouth, and a penis…and maybe some duck tape?? Anyway…i informed her that it was ME…(it happened during my blond days and i do mean ‘blond’ as in actually bleached the whole length of my hair WHITE blond….. due to stupidity.) She had no idea it was Me, and Oh my GOD you should’ve seen her cute little drunken face. Her jaw dropped, her eyes ‘boinged’ out of their sockets, and she slapped her hand across her mouth, whilst screeching, ‘That girls YOU??!!??!!’ Suddenly the whole bar stopped at stared (and not the good kind) then like i was being heckled or something, some ‘random dude’ points at ‘Jason Christopher’ and muffles out loud, ‘…and i think it was HIS dick. (just for the record…it wasn’t.)
The only way i got out of it, with very little ‘wit’ left in me, was by claiming (out loud) that ‘…97% of the girls in this town suck cock ( i know i could’ve been a bit more decorative with my language,) mine just so happens to accidently be on display…ENJOY!’ I think i got a cheer and a round of applause. (God i felt like shit! ) Three cheers!