I am a genius

It’s a HEATWAVE lady and gents, and i am LOVING LOVING IT…yet getting a bit annoyed with it, but still LOVING it, right now!! Woo-hoo!! the boys around Doncaster are wearing nothing but shorts, the girls are wearing bikinis, and even grannies are showing their tan lines!! I celebrated by buying 6 of the exact same tube tops, with glittery glitz on, stating that i was ‘Royal’ in every colour they had, apart from blue…I’m just not a ‘blue’ kind of girl. It reminds me of bruises and smurfs. I also, decided to take time out to contemplate how horrific it would be, to come back, (in your next life, ) as a cow! I studied them a lot today, whilst being a passenger in a very hot car, and yeah life is pretty sucky for them. They just kind of cow around, eating a shitty chunk of grass, that some other cows probably peed on, and well honestly that’s pretty much it…but for THE REST of THEIR ENTIRE life!! (Sad, but true!! )Well they do also have the pleasure of being slaughtered in the end?? But other than that, it’s just cowing around, chewing on grass, and OH SHIT i FORGOT…they totally get fiddled with when they’re being juiced for milk!!! Being a cow ROCKS!! I wish you could see the world through my eyes. If everyone could, recreational drugs, need not exist!! I am the cure!! Give Amy Winehouse my vision, and she would be saved. You know when you put something in such a safe, safe place…so safe that you can’t seem to find it?? Well for some it’s a winning lottery ticket.( and shit that’s a major McBummer,) ..for me…it’s the instructions to how my brain works. You say, ‘What’s wrong with her???’ I say, ‘What’s wrong with COWS man???’ lol…It’s the heat, it’s getting to me!!

I’m going now, because i’m sweating like a mucky chimpanzee. The nurses left me alone to supervise my father today, who has moved up the hospital stakes, and is NOW allowed to sit in a wheel chair, and be rolled around outside the ward!! I despise wheel chairs. They don’t make people well…they aid their laziness!! (Walk bitch, walk!!) The nurse liked my bag…it was pink, and the fact that i was from LA (Oooookay)…so she left her  complete trust in me!! Firtsly NEVER trust anyone that’s spent longer than an upside down shag in LA!!( Ha ha! YOU FOOLS!!) So, I rolled him, dressed as a whore, all over the joint. Up, down, in the parking lot, into a car. He got a little tired and then accidently passed out!!  I quickly rolled him back up to ward 2, and pretended like some other nurse (who i was sure was on the bottle) had done it. GENIUS!! I could save the world after all!! I think i’ll just stick to getting my boobs out!! There’s far less wheeling of men on stroke units.

40 bloody winks

Hello my boys! I’ve missed you!! Are we having a Heatwave or what!! LOVING it!! Definitely makes my stay in England worth while, isn’t it lovely!! Well it’s a bit too hot, but….isn’t that hilarious. We brits spend so much time moaning about the weather and how cold it is. Then when the sun decides to ‘get his hat on,’ we all shake our heads disapprovingly, and say ‘well yeah, it’s hot, but it’s a bit TOO hot.’ Life is good, work is rolling in, yet the BIG things now. I’ve got a little bit lazy, as when the BIG things roll in, i always think i don’t need to do the little things…hahaha! I will probably make a pretty decent DIVA superstar, cos i have tantrums coming out my arse!! No not really. Can’t remember what i was gonna tell you, as Big Brother is distracting me..not sure why, as it’s a pile of poo now. How long is this thing gonna go on for…just someone WIN already, or FIGHT, or SHAG someone!! GOD!! It’s always the same isn’t it? No-one wnats to tune into the same old ‘sitting around.’ Well i don’t!  Anyway, whilst i was in the hospital visiting daddy, i did (in the bizarre hospital canteen, where everyone asks me whether i’m american everyday,) see a young boy i went to school with. He was 3 years below me, i was a 6th former and he sat on my dinner table everyday for a year, directly opposite me. WE got along well, and mis-mentored each other! I always thought he would grow up to be an actor, as he was an phenominal one. So i’m tucking into my cheese n bean toastie (as i don’t eat meat now), and explaining to my mother how weird it is that i’m currently having a conversation with her, when i use to live inside her!! It’s WEIRD right?? Anyway, mid munch, this boy/growing gentleman, comes to my table, squats down, and says, ‘just thought i’d stop by and say hello, for old times sake…since your eating lunch,’….it was HIM, little Lewis Jardine!! I guess i mentored him well…lol…he’s now a Doctor, and i’m a Glamour model…lol!!! He was more shocked at the fact that i wasn’t currently in LA! I keep randomly bumping into people i once knew…it’s lovely, brings back a flood of magical memories!! And i have some good ones charlie boy! hahahaha!

Other than that, i’ve been up about and everywhere today, in this sweaty tropical heatwave, we’ve been having in good old Yorkshire!! I shopped, stuffed a penis looking doughnut into my face, visited the sickies on Ward 2, and dotted around like a tart! Actually to say it’s so hot, i’ve probably worn the most clothes ever today!! I have no logic. I failed my General Studies A-Level!! I do have GREAT boobs though! They bounce now!

The only problem with today is, that everytime i was left unattended i mananged to fall fast aleep. Seriously, i must have taken 45 naps today….and quite embarassingly ANYWHERE and on ANYONE!! I looked sicker than the sick people on Ward 2. Don’t know what’s wrong with me? I could go for a quick 40 winks right now! I passed out in the car twice, on a bench, in the hospital, on my grandmother, on the street, in a cyber cafe, over a baked potatoe, and a random waiter. Life is Grand!

Zoo First Timer VOTE

Boys! For those of you who are unaware, i am currently in Zoo as a first timer. Please do go onto their website zootoday.com, click on first timers, and score me a 10, and all the other girls a 1..as i never seem to win these things, and it always ends up being some chick who was undeserving. Well not always…but yeah…always (but only because it’s not me.) I need all the help i can get! So please make a little asian girl smile, and get a voting!! I need a 9.0 to win!! You’ll find me, i’m in my garden, around sun and trees…and ofcourse i forgot to wear my bra!! Oopsy!

Big kisses

I am itchy

The sunbed has fucked me up. I’m all itchy all over, and it’s really not that comfortable. It’s like you have ants crawling under a layer of skin. Not sure why this happened, as my body is very used to being tanned under a bed of uv rays, yet now, 12 minutes under…and i’m all burnt & itchy!?! UGH! I guess my skin must have lightened up more than i thought?? I don’t know who to blame so i’m gonna go with..’my upbringing’ this time…lol.

Yesterday, i travelled to Dudley, the land of brummies, (who are the loveliest people, plus the taxi drivers actually KNOW where places are,) to shoot for ‘Brooke-Lee’s Playmates.’ I am one now, and it’s one of the funnest jobs ever, except you do have to do these silly videos, that begin, ‘Hi Boys, I’m Chrissie…i’m all hot n bothered and….then all of a sudden i’m stripping down, (hahaha.) I’m a bit shy to be doing all that! Yet, i did manage 5 sets, and spend the day dressed as an ‘Army girl,’ on some fake rocks, a slutty ‘Police woman’ in a jail cell, me being ‘slutty in hot pink’ on a table, and a scene set called, ‘lounging.’ Oh and ofcourse i did a white screen, and a bedroom!! The whole time we were being filmed by a camera crew, who themselves were getting a bit hot n bothered. Great day, except we lived off smirnoff ice, and music that made you feel like you were in Ibiza. Just imagine a MASSIVE studio, with the BEST sets, from old pin up screens, to showers, to army rocks, to fetish random ‘looks painful’ swings dungeoins, to jail cells, to bedrooms, to sitting rooms, to blow up things…it was a photographers haven, plus it was littered with naked playmates, so yeah…great for the boys! God, i’m still fucking ITCHY! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!! What do i do?? I’m an idiot!! I woke up a little too early, it’s 6am….i just felt grotty, so not being healthy yesterday. It’s a big part of my life now, so even the slightest bit of ‘unhealth’ whether it be food or lifestyle SUCKS! I want to glow a pure clean aura of freshness, and not a musty partied out grey cloud of smoke orb. I fucking hATE being ITCHY!!! Aaargh!

Me no likey

I’ve got back-ache, i  HATE my bed. Seriously! When i walk it hurts, it’s really hard to be a sex kitten when you have to screw your face up like you’re sucking on a lemon, whenever you take a strut forward. Plus, the postman didn’t pity me. Royal Mail, needs to have a heart! He left me some red card that apologised for me being out, (even though i was in) and  now i am to trek all the way to the next town to pick up my ‘special delivery.’ Queen Liz, needs to get her ‘bitches’ sorted!! I wonder what it is?? I’m soooo excited. Yet, i shouldn’t be as the only box thats marked is the one that reads,’ A signature is required,’ so obviously that could be anything!! I’m probably getting sued, divorced, or shit…hopefully it’s something WONDERFUL!! I love surprise packages. Which is bizarre as i do hate surprises?? There’s nothing fun about me NOT knowing something! I think i just like gifts bought for me, by others. I don’t know why i’m getting so excited, as it could be something really boring like a contract. Wait! That’s not boring?? It’s keeping me able to support my high heeled, children and away from having to sell my body (erm…wait?…lol…) other than that our letterbox was flooded with multi-coloured rainbow enevelopes, at least 104 of them…(exaggeration, yes…but doesn’t it sound better,) all of them addressed to my poor daddy, who’s on his way to ‘almost dynamic, just realised he’s not 18’ self. Thankyou soooooooo much for them all. Brought a smile to my face and definitely will to his!!

So Rudes calls me last night to try and ‘talk over’ our differences. I’m like, ‘So NOW he wants to talk!!’ I’m spending so much time, not forgiving him, that i could probably have forgiven him in that time. Yet i’m stubborn, and will not let some boy treat me any other way but ‘princess-like.’ He always tries to threaten me, with ‘hanging up’ if i start playing up. I’m not 5!! I’m 27 and SMOKING HOT!! So i (like i’m a 5year old) just think fuck it and hang up first. I always have tumulous relationships with boys that temporarily fill the position of ‘other half.’ He says, ‘everythings got to be on YOUR terms, and YOUR time…’ i say…’well…yeah!’ Then he always follows it up with a ‘ It’s always about YOU!!’ Well ofcourse it bloody is!! It’s my life, and if he wants to join in my adventures, than he can, but do so effectively and don’t just be a lead weight that i constantly trip over. I’m ambitious, driven and a whole lot of fun, and if he doesn’t like it, then he can go find little Miss. Pollyanna poo pants, who washes his crusty boxers all day and slaves over his 17 children or whatever?? Bottom line…Me no likey! The only boxers i’m washing are those dripping in sweat after fighting 12 rounds!!



Judge my basket

What i learnt today is that, you can tell a lot about a person, by what they have in their grocery store basket!! I like to go to ‘Morrisons,’ and not because it’s better, yet simply because it’s nearest. There was this horrid skinny ‘work-out’ girl infront of me in line, with a basket full of leafy greeness. She was frowning at my basket of ‘Morrison’ goodies, from her lofty pedastal of green veggie ‘i don’t have a sex life’ goodness. Don’t know why.. as she seriously didn’t pick anything worth having. I don’t know what she runs on??? It was basically spewing over with all kinds of leaves, non fat this, soy crap that, leaf, leaf…sneaky snickers bar i have on a sunday, bull shit. It was full to the brim, of things that grow in the ground and it wouldn’t surprise me if she even had wildlife nesting under her iceberg wire cage of ‘value for money’ goods!! I believe she was slighly ashamed of my existance…lol. I didn’t care too much, yet i did want to ‘sonic boom’ her ass, off her merry high skinny ‘work-out’ horse, so i figured it was time to fling my chosen ‘Morrison’ goods on the belt!! It was like a ‘food-off.’ Unfortunately, i didn’t have much to beable to stick my middle finger up and sing ‘We are the Champions’ at her repeatedly, as i only managed to produce a very large can of ‘Red Bull,’ some scented wet wipes, gum, and a giant pack of express relief pain killers!! (Ooooooh yeah, girlfriend….put that in ya pipe and smoke it!!!) She smuggly half jog tottered, out of the joint, knowing that she could out run me!! hahaha! I don’t think i did too bad though?? The girl behind me only had doughnuts!! Either she was ‘Vanessa Feltz’s’ care taker or she was crapper than me at that game!!

After that i just went to the tanning salon, yet managed to get myself trapped inside the toilet, which also seemed to be used as a closet/ junk room? I peed next to a hoover, and an evening gown?? Weirdest toilet ever…and not even because of it’s contents, yet because it had an amazingly giant unfrosted window on the door!!! People can actually see your face whilst you squat. I don’t know how this works, but i do know that i couldn’t get out for 7 whole minutes. No-one noticed at all, except a little 6 year old boy, wearing a Batman t-shirt, who instead of being helpful, decided to do ‘chinky’ eyes at me!! (haha) They eventually let me out to tan, and i realised it was just all a business ploy. They stress you the fuck out, so your ‘lay down’ on the tanning bed, feels sooooo much more relaxing!! They’re like, ‘hey, lie down…relax, here’s free lotion..come again.’ I’m booked in for tomorrow at 10am! Shit, that work-out girl IS better than me!!

Life is good, i feel wonderul, and you should too!! Kisses boys!! xx

Judge my basket

What i learnt of day is that you can tell a lot about a person by whats in their shopping basket at a grocery store. My favourite is ‘Morrisons,’- not because it’s better, yet simply because it’s nearest. There was some horrid ‘work-out’ girl infront of me in line, frowning upon my chosen basket goods, from her lofty pedastal of green veggie ‘better then me-ness.’ I have no idea what that girl runs on?? but there sure as hell wasn’t anything worth having in her little wire nest of Morrison goodies!! All i saw was random leafy greeness. It was full to the brim, spewing over with non-fat, soy crap, cabbage patch goodness. She probably had a couple of bunnies making ‘whoppee’ under her ‘iceberg’ montage. She looked like she was quite ashamed of my existance…lol. So i adjusted my boobies, and gracefully flung my goods onto the check-out belt. It was like a ‘food-off.’ Unfortunately, i was pretty much screwed, as all i happened to have to ‘sonic boom’ her ‘work-out’ ass, was a large can of ‘Red bull,’ some scented wet wipes, and a giant box of express relief pain killers!! (Ooooh yeah, girlfriend!!) The girl after me only had doughnuts, so i think i did pretty well?

After that i went to the tanning salon, yet got trapped in a toilet, that so happened to also be quite cleverly used as a closet/junk room??? I peed next to a mop, and an evening gown??? Weirdest toilet ever…it had a large unfrosted window, on the door, so people could see your head whilst you squatted. No-one realised i was locked in there for a full 7 minutes, apart from a 6 year old boy, in a Batman t-shirt who was not being very helpful and instead doing ‘chinky’ eyes at me to pass the time!! I was eventually let out, and realised it must be a trick the salon uses to make your lay down time on the bed, feel soooooooo much better than usual. They stress you the fuck out, then say, ‘Hey lie down…relax…come again!’ I’m in again tomorrow at 10am.

I love my life and you should too! x

Oatmeal n Eggs

So i’m up, i’m happy, i feel the strongest i’ve ever been, but i’m on this shite oatmeal and eggs diet. If you’re an Angeleno, this is a very normal thing if you’re wanting to shed a few quick pounds, have a shoot, a TV show, or you’re a scary body builder. In yorkshire, i believe it’s a sin. It’s only been 3 days, and i’ve accidentally lost all the weight i needed too, to the point where i think my boobs have shrunk!!! SCANDAL! I thought the whole point to having a bloody boob job, was that they NEVER shurnk!! However i have been informed by my mignons, that i am merely being paranoid, and my ‘spice rack,’ is still all herbs n spices. I’m about to set off to the tanning salon, due to not being able to lay at the pool by The Standard, sipping malibu pineapples, and flirting with boys that did a one liner on a soap opera. I have a week to get brown, so the fake tan, need not be applied, and therefore a little bit of ‘uv light’ therapy is just what the doctor ordered. I have ‘Big Balls Byron’ in my head right now, he’s (Mr.Newman) my Playboy test-shoot guy…it’s hilarious…i think his bizarreness impressed me soooooo much, that he implanted a brand on my brain for life. He’s so interesting that he’s got me wondering what HE does every spare moment of the day?? I think it’s cos we told each other so many random unfinished stories. It’s always good to never finish your stories…people pine for more.

I’m feeling good, i’m looking hot, i have a busy work week, and my AOL is not fucking working again!! I’m not letting it bother me, and instead deciding to drink tea, and judge people to help me get back to my senses. ‘Latin Lover’ is deciding to annoy me, by being a baby. He thinks i’m selfish because a few days ago i wanted, well needed to talk  to him, during a time when he was  at dinner prefering to watch a guy he never met toss raw fish in the air. He thought he could charm his way back into my heart. Unfortunately, there is a strict criteria you have to meet before ‘charming’ works with me…another boy i use to date is trying to do the same thing?? You both ‘don’t got it!!’ (evil laugh) let alone being even a tad bit near the criteria!!! Infact i even  think ‘latin lover; is rather too grand a title to be just throwing out there, and plonking on someone who may not be worthy of such grandeur??? From now on i’m gonna call him ‘Rudes.’ (And yes it’s his name, well ‘Rodolpho’ is…i didn’t just randomly make that up!! Ofcourse it would be funny if i did, yet i seem to always never be as funny as i intended. For a girl with such good rhythum, i rarely hit the beat!!)

So whilst you tuck into your breakfast burrito, or your delicious bacon butty (i’m not eating meat either right now!! I know? What has happened to me??) Please do kindly throw me a chunk, if you see me pass by, as i am starving on Oatmeal, n Eggs, and for no real reason aside form Vanity and stupidity!! Booyah!!

Sponge bath

 I have just quite possibly given myself the BEST sponge bath in the world ever!! Oh my god, i feel so finger licking gooood!! Yeah, i know it’s weird that i would opt for a quick sponge down, as would a Gypo, instaed of a creamy warm tub, however i was smeared in the fakest of tans, and really did need to scrub it all off…visciously, as it’s a bleeding bugger, and looks quite terrible. (Plus, i thought it would be appropriate, as i’ve spent the majority of my time, in the old mens ward, at the hospital.. boy do they Lurve their sponge baths!)

Okay, so i stripped down naked, and stood on a towel infront of the sink. I’ve tried this many times before, and been quite disappointed at the quality of tht sponge i have used. This time i selected a medium sized, white coloured round thing, costing the grand total of 49p, and well basically one side was full of knobbles…spongey knobbles n grooves, as it apparently gives you a whole massaging once over. So i’m thinking fuck it, it’s gonna be shite, but who cares, it was only 49p. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! I soaked the sponge in the warmest of waters, added a bit of creamy pink soap, lifted one leg up onto the sink, in my full naked glory, and started to rub slowly and gently!! OH MY GOD!! Best feeling ever. It started to make me feel all warm and sexy. It was orgasmic!! IYou have no idea how it felt. This 49p massaging sponge thing, is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me!!! It felt glorious…i think my eyes rolled into the back of my head, in agonising excitement. I scrubbed away, slowly at first doing circular motions, upward motions, then it got faster and faster, and my legs started to feel a bit sore. Yet the sponge was a trooper and i continued rubbing, downwards, sidewards…. I think at one point i was legs open, doggy style screaming , ‘Give it to me big boy.’ I scrubbed all over my body…shit, it’s even making me a bit moist now….hahah…just thinking about it!! I’m not joking. If i can do that to myself with a bloody sponge then you boys have NO excuse in the bedroom!! It tore a bitch up!! hahahaha. I’m always disappointed with men in the bedroom, You always promise me the world, yet we obviously must have very different views of the size and magic-ness of the world??? I’m a good shag…and it’s because i’m a show off….lol..

I am now fully fresh and so clean, clean. My fake tan is gone, my new tan with appear tomorrow, and i think i’ve quite possibly lost my virginity to a 49p sponge. GO GET ONE!!

Sick men rock

Feeling quite lovely and isn’t the weather just gorgeous!! I love how my life went from being, Queen of Hollywood’ Greatness, partying like a champion, and feeling quite ‘half full,’ to all of a sudden see-sawing from tending to sick men, in hospitals, and tending  to hopeful Glamour model stardom! I love the word, ‘Stardom,’ it sends a delightful quiver down my spine. (Woooooo! I do one naked, and one fully clothed….yet in all cases the men are usually quite sick!! Lol…. I’m headed for great things finally, and i think it’s because i feel stable, happy, and ‘Full to the brim.’ Hollywood, is an exciting place, yet definitely can aid you on your journey to completely losing yourself! I feel stronger than ever, i feel sane, and it’s all because i’m in England, hence why the career is accidentally going soooo incerdibly well right now. I’m gonna make something of myslef…Thank God, as i was beginning to get a bit worried there…hahaha! Plus, i’ve also realised that i’m bloody good at looking after people. Since i’ve been on the ward visiting ‘Old papa’ and seeing that other patients haven’t been recieving visitors. I’ve been making my lovely self useful for once, and randomly visiting them. It’s a really great feeling….a muscle i’ve only just got use to exercising. I go everyday and visit as many people as possible. Don’t worry it’s not an addiction, as (like i said to Byron), i’m far too commitment phobe, to be addicted to anything….well apart form work. yet, that to me is acceptable. I LOVE my job. Entertaining is my thing, whether it be with my boobs out, in a Zoo Bikini, or at the side of a sick mans bed (erm…) in a hospital.

‘Latin Lover’ is successfully getting on my nerves. He doesn’t even deserve such a grand title as ‘latin lover,’ (no wonder he loves it so much.) From now on i’m just gonna call him ‘Rudy.’ It’s his name, and far less exotic. During a time when i needed him to talk to him the most, he decided to tell me to bollock off, and instead wanted to watch a dude throw raw fish through the air, because his so-called ‘friends’ (who never call him) we’re there. All Rudy does is play games for attention, and that is something i don’t have time for right now. I’ve grown up and blossomed quite delightfully, since being in the motherland. So i’m plonking him at the bottom of the ‘ Will talk to when he decides to grow up’ list. I just can’t be bothered, especially since he finds apologising quite difficult, and i dunno, he must think he’s quite charming?? he keeps trying to charm himself back into my heart…unfortunately the Queen of Charm, gives him ‘nil points.’

But i am feeling GREAT, and i’m pretty much ready to take over the world now. Thankyou so much for listenning to me babble. It’s very much appreciated. I love you all, and a LOT!! Don’t you forget it!! xxx