Oh God! I haven’t been able to write a blog all day, so you can’t imagine how excited i am right now. I’ve also had a lot of wine, and 2 vodka bitter lemons, however for some reason i don’t feel a thing?? (fucking dodgey booze, it never does the job.) Anyway, i’m extremely happy today, and i’ve slipped out of my ‘funk,’ and thankgod as it was starting to get a little boring. (Poor ‘latin lover’ felt the brunt of it, i’ve been quite evil to him, during my case of the blues.) I tried to call america to apologise, however his phone was switched off. I’m going with God just thought it was HIS fault, therefore no apology was needed.
So i was aimlessly tottering around, trying to avoid eye contact with as many people as possible. Not sure why, as i’m a giant dirty flirt? Anyway, during my ‘totter,’ n out of nowhere jumps this little Israeli gay dude armed with SALT from the DEAD SEA. (hang on i’m having an arguement with an ex on my phone….he’s trying to trick me into re-being with him…yawn…americans are really bad at tricking the brits.) Anyway, one minute i’m in my own world, the next minute the gay israeli is telling me i have bad skin, and ferociously slapping Dead Sea mud all over any piece of visible skin. The mud didn’t really look very Israeli, but i went with it anyway, so he could do his whole ‘show’ thing. I was swept into a whole new world as he massaged my hands, over some bowl, now with salt stuff. This guy was hypnotic. I think i fell in love with him for about 3 seconds. Then just like magic he rinsed me off and OH MY GOD, i had the SOFTEST skin in the world EVER!! OH MY GOD! I can’t even describe how it felt. Lets just say…my skin was sooooo soft, that if i was to touch your penis very lightly, you would have pretty much EXPLODED…(and i do mean sexually, as ofcourse it would be a bit of a fire hazzard if you kinda just burst into a ball of flames.) With one touch of my skin, there would have been and 100% a glorious ‘money shot.’ The gays must just know how to make penis erupt?? I was very tempted to buy some, yet it ended up costing some ‘ludacris’ amount, that i simply lied and said i had to find my dad. Weird lie, but whatever….fuck Dead Sea salt….he wasn’t even Israeli!! God, he had healing hands! They prey on girls like me, who look like they flush all their find earned pences on beauty products. What his mud could do, my mouth could do better!!! hahah! (Mexican blowjob…Ole Lay!)
I haven’t been able to write this blog that well, because the ‘EX’ was going on for ages about how he was sorry, loved me, needed me, missed me, or something..? I hear it a lot. He sounded like he was going to cry a little…I think i said, ‘Don’t do that, it’s really awkward.’ He said, ‘Is there anything i could do to….’ I kept saying ‘No…’ then laughing my head off (heartless bitch), eventually i just said’ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ‘ to everything….it worked, he shut up, and felt a lot more loved. Now i know why men do the whole dismissive ‘yeah, yeahs…’ works every time! This whole being ‘hot’ thing is ACE. It gives you power over boys….i learnt it in Hollywood.