Month: July 2008

I love being me, as proclaiming to be the ‘Queen of Greatness’ means you can do whatever your heart desires and with a cheeky wink n smile, get away with it all…and sometimes even get applauded for it!! My life is wonderful, apart from the fact that i’m currenlty feeling terribly bloated due to an ‘almost’ period. Luckily i’m bloated in all the right places, however when you’re only 5ft 4, you kinda look half, ‘Ompa Lumpa.’ Shit, i’ve got some thighs on me right now. Apparently it’s because i’m a Sagittarius, i however believe it’s because i’m a fat bitch. I do feel sexy though. Purrr…..! Having a bit of junk, makes me horny, which is obviously a treat!

I’ve done some crazy things in my life, and today it seemed my life decided to pass infront of me, in flashbacks. I can’t even think or absorb the random ongoings of my life. I’ve sort of blinked and found myself on stage in a Ballet dress. Blinked, then found myself wasted on top of a building, making out with a hot gay guy, drinking mango margaritas. I’ve blinked, and found myself ontop of an elephant, or waking up next to a movie star. I once blinked and found myself  handcuff chained to a stream of prostitutes, a shop lifter and an armed robber. I’ve blinked and had an award shoved in my hand, (one of my better blinks,) and blinked and found myself in a wedding dress at the Hotel Bel Air. I’ve turned to the left and found myself crying so hard, in a Hollywood gutter because a boy didn’t love me. I’ve looked right and found a random boys name inked on my arm. I’ve breathed deeply, and noticed i was dressed as a fuck me fairy. I’ve forgotten to breathe, and saw myself mentoring orphans. I’ve been cut in half by a magician, i’ve thrown garden furniture over balconies, i’ve shaken hands with a Prince, then i woke up and realised it was NOT AT ALL a dream!!! I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! I need to go have a ‘fiddle in the middle’ in celebration!!

Last night i was reconsidering my ‘vegetarianism’, as i seem to be getting fatter without my meat intake. My body is ‘evil’ laughing and deciding to fuck with me for kicks. Hurrah! So i turn on the TV, it switched on to a random yet popular network, like Channel 4, and within 1.2 seconds i see a massive brown horse, laid on it’s side, with a sloppy penis the SIZE of a…(God i can’t even think.)..lets just say, i like a sturdy 8, but this young champion had a whole black 18 inches for dinner. SHOCKING!!! Neck that pony!!  Anyway, two lovely native american looking men, half Redneck, half ‘Dances with wolves,’ were kneeling by the horse, and with some rusty pocket knife (delicious) decided to hand cut the horses BALLS off, whilst it was still alive. OH MY GOD!!!!! Hmm…! I took that as a sign, no meat for Me today sir. I’ve rather take 72 lashings. What was that program??? The two men claimed they we’re in the ‘jungle’ and  therefore that’s what they do. I can think of 103 better things to do in the jungle. Infact it wasn’t even the bloody jungle…it looked more like the North Yorkshire dales for crying out loud!! Wonder what they did with the horsey nutsack?? Mucky beggars! I’m gonna try that on ‘Latin lover,’ if i could get near enough to them, as they often smell like chilli tacos, and grandmothers. He still force feeds me them. After a while, it could pass as chicken, so it’s not that bad. Or maybe i’m not a fussy eater? Asians’ll put anything in their mouths twice!! (Sluts)

Anyway, i’m off to get ready for my fabulous glamour puss day and my LA bitches keep telling me to refrain from telling people to ‘ come to Hollywood as i apparently forgot to mention that after a week you’ll probably end up in Rehab.’ I say, Isn’t rehab the new black?? Booyah!! Drink it Sally! Oh and for those of you who seem to be surprised that i can actually read and write…which confuses me more, than reading and writing…, i DID actually go to school, and learn my ABC’s. I know it seems quite unbelievable, yet stranger things have happened my children!! I can even write read the road signs when driving wasted, let alone write my number down 45 times on napkins, receipts to give to random penis’s. Next i’ll actually beable to read what i write on here!!

Big Kisses

I love you!! Don’t forget my ‘Ooh Aah’ Daily Star thing!

Okay, so i’m sitting minding my own business…missing calls, and all that jazz. I pick up the phone to listen to my ‘missed call’ only to hear the voice of ‘Susan’ from the Daily Star Sunday paper, announcing that i am ‘in the semi finals of the Daily Stars foxiest footie babe, after a nation wide search, and will  be appearing in the paper THIS SUNDAY, with 3 other girls, and YOU the NATION are to VOTE (via text) for your favourite FOXY FOOTIE babe!!’ If i get through, to the final 4 days after ward i’ll be in LONDON doing a proper full on dirty footie shoot for the DAILY STAR SUNDAY paper…and will feature the following Sunday…for more VOTING…i guess??? OMG!! It’s gonna be HOT as all they’re told me to bring (if i get picked is a ‘FLESH coloured’ thong…YES!!!)

Once again, we know how upset i get if i don’t win these little voting things. So i will remind you later, as i do really want to get to go do a ditry footie shoot for you!! But here it is one more time…i’m telling you early to get you all ready (as one girl has started a campaign..JESUS…i’m always up against the campaigning girls,) THIS  SUNDAY, I WILL BE FEATURED IN THE DAILY STAR as one of FOOTBALLS FOXIEST BABES, you are to VOTE FOR ME, VIA TEXT…so i can get through to the next round. When it comes out, I WILL BE GIVING YOU THE NUMBER TO TEXT FOR ME TO WIN…AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE, so i get a shot at being crowned the ‘Daily Stars Foxiest Football Fan!!!’

I’m so excited…again!!! What i am getting myself into!!! lol…

Woke up grumpy, and only because the Great Wunna before me…my Mother dearest decides to have a mild disagreement with me, as soon as i so happen to open my eyes. I’m a Daddy’s girl, so winning arguments whilst i’m trapped between my mother and my brother is an impossibility. That boy can call me anything, and my mother to NO end will protect him. So i decided to tell her exactly what i thought of such behaviour…anyway like most things didn’t go down well, and i opted for the ‘huff, puff’ storming out attack. Made my mum cry, and it makes you feel like kicking ya self in the balls over n over again with guilt. (You can’t make you’re mum cry before 9am!!!) However, i still in true Chrissie Wunna style ignored her tears, as she started milking it and glammed up instead. Now she’s making me coffee, and feeling bad, for being evil…yet it’s only because today we spend the whole day with Darling Daddy, therefore i think she’s a bit scared i’m going to report her darkside!! So there you go, lots of grown up behaviour by the Wunnas this morning…hahahah!! I intend to ignore her for most of the day! I ROCK!!

God i miss LA!! I was talking ot my ‘Latin Lover’ last night about how i don’t seem to fit in anywhere in the world but ‘La La land.’ Says it all really!!  Hollywood is full of the earths misfits. It’s the only place where ANYTHING goes, so you can’t really go wrong can you?? I mean, you can even wear nothing but a baby pink thong and go outdoor clothes shopping on Melrose…at the same time as being a Man. You’ll have ‘Superman’ behind you raping the tourist of tips, the Playboy bunnies giggling in a Pinkberry corner  (God i miss Pink berry) and Paris Hilton infront of you grabbing a quick caffeine fix. It’s all normal, and no-one ever grows up. I’ve noticed a lot of very young people in England, who are very grown up. If you have Peter Pan syndrome then go to Hollywood. There’s no growing up allowed, and even though everyone bitches and moans about the town….we all bloody can’t live without it!!! Ugh! I feel FAT!

Hi my lovelies! Apart from totally missing out on all the LA earthquake parties this evening, i haven’t really tampered in too much except jumped on my see-saw of ‘un-qualified hospital nurse’, and ‘glamour model’. I am the Queen of Greatness. My whole life has turned from being a Hollywood Lady of leisure, to bumming around England, to now, spending 5 hours of each day on Ward 2, on a stroke unit, with a bunch of old geezers, and then quickly running off, jumping on a train, and rushing my clothes off for a camera, whilst i smile with my ‘jubblies’ out! THEN, heading back to Ward 2, to look after Daddy (my soldier) and these real old hilarious men, called ‘Tom, Nick and Harry’….close right… almost too good to be true. I mean, the word ‘Dick’ was mentioned at some point, yet unfortunately had nothing to do with a name. I’m like a slutty superhero or something. Clark kent to Superman. Crap fake nurse Chrissie to Boobie model whore. I now get just as excited about seeing my frumpy old faces, on Ward 2, who bitch & moan at me, and make me fetch them their dentures, whilst trying to cope a feel, as i do going to my glamour modelling shoots. I obviously look after my daddy the most, yet if you could see how ‘Tom, Nick & Harry’s’  faces light up, when i strut in…..Oh i love it!! I make them happy. I’m not a nurse or anything, just a visitor..as they don’t seem to get many. Definite job satisfaction. God, i’m a lot nicer than i ever thought!! I need to do something evil and quickly to tarnish my image once more.

I’m loving life right now, and i can’t wait to get back to LA. I’m craving a Horlicks for some reason?? And, i’m getting ready to get an eyeful of ‘Big Brother.’ I was a bit bothered earlier, as all the HATE mail, had made me insecure about…well EVERYTHING….and who i was. I decided to go with ‘FUCK IT, I’m ACE,’ because i am. I’m beautiful, i’m hot, and you know what, i’m gonna flaunt it in ya dirty face!!! From now on i’m doing the show MY way, cos it works. I might not be the most natural looking chica to you, but your natural is quite unnatural to me. I’m a Hollywood party Princess…and this is how we do it!!! Don’t make fun of me for being a ‘character!!’ Instead turn yourself into one!! And make a stance in the world!

Just woke up, got showered and feeling lovely! I’m strong like bull, i’m all neon, and army pants and brimming over with total ‘joie de vivre’. I’m happy ,chirpy, grateful and ready to start my long day!! And what a beautiful day it is!!! I’m solar powered, so the sun is totally working for me and giving me all this un- called for energy. Oh, and just wanted to say thankyou, for all the hate mail i recieved from the ‘Zoo first timers, winning week’ girl’s bosom buddies. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Do i really look like a man??? Hope not, as then i totally got jipped in the ‘trouser’ department. But anyway, i laugh in the face of danger…and all that good stuff!! (mwahahahaa!) God, i need some food…starving

I’m feeling good today, and i hope you do too, so here are some kisses, ‘xxxxxxxxxx.’ (hope it helped get you through tuesday!) You know, i’m quite thick skinned for a previously very senstive child, yet this whole judging of me, by the Brits, is starting to really piss me off. In Hollywood, they LOVE me…no matter what. It’s almost unconditional, yet you brits, are deciding to rip me to pieces…before even building me up goddamit!! haha! When people follow me in their cars in LA, it’s usually men and they’re hitting on me, or screaming, ‘I LOVE YOU.’ Over here, in the good old Motherland…where we’re supposed to be ‘quiet and dignified,’ the dearest of folk follow me around, and hurl the most disgusting abuse at me…and for no reason. Infact, whilst the street people of LA are telling me i’m fabulous, making me smile, and all that wonderful hoo-raa, the brits are coming up to me and talking dirty in my ear, calling me a ‘Slut’ and telling me where they’d like to stick their ‘Oopsy’! You’d think it be the other way around right? But ah -well, i can’t wait to get my arse back home to the nice people of Hollywood.

Hope you all have a wonderful day…big smiles, big kisses, big love!! xxx

So i lost by coming in Second, and well…i’ll give it to her, even though i’m GUTTED, and when i’m gutted i seemed to get just plain old fashioned PISSED OFF!! But thankyou all for voting, it meant a lot, and well…i still fucking hate that i came in second, when i should have bloody won it!! I feel so, ‘Gareth Gates.’ My score ended up going down to an 8.8. (hahahaha) Yet, i guess i was always better at ‘going down’ than i was at rising upward. (Witty joke to hide my pain…she weeps, into her pink hanky.) Like i said at around 2pm, to my dear wizard friend, ‘Fuck it!’ There’s plenty more things for me to win!!! We’ll give her a round of applause. Enough of that, at least i don’t have to give any cyber blowjob rewards now! Bright side!

The other thing that should never happen, is techno music, whilst one is laying on the tanning bed. What is it which Pontefract tanning salons??? I’m trying to get my ‘peace’ on, and bronze a steady caramel colour, and whilst i’m baking in my UV bath, the tanning salon, decides they’re gonna BLAST druggie techno music, into my tanning bed stereo thing, whilst i tan! They didn’t do my ‘peace’ any favours, it made me feel like killing myself with glow sticks!! The bird at the counter, (the chooser of this devil’s music) must have had a good night! I hate druggies, and techno music, and 10am, sooo yeah, it didn’t really work out for me!! Nobody wants to get their ‘happy hardcore’ on,  in a tanning salon in Ponty, or ever really….

I’ve turned into a workaholic, and it’s seriously quite bizarre as i started off as a Lady of leisure. Isn’t that Backwards??? I’m sure you’re meant to do the ‘workaholic’ part first, and end up with the blissful ‘lady leisure’ McThang. Instead of the typical ‘Rags to Riches’ story…i’ll probably end my arse up on a ‘Riches to Rag..in leopard print heels’ story. I need to sort my shite out!! This whole ‘losing’ thing has pissed me OFF!!

Anyway way, i’m gonna go, and watch Big Brother…most random thing said behind my back today, outside an old peoples Tea Room: ‘I hope she fucking swallows.’  Lovely!

So my Zoo first timer thing!! I am currently LOSING by ONE point. The current leader has a 9.1, and i have a 9.0. Last night, and due to a ‘force beyond my means,’ i was winning with a 9.3….only to wake up and notice that i was down 3 points. I am staying very calm, yet completey frantic. I am almost getting my period, i have a shortish fuse, and i’ve just noticed how many truely amazing people i know, who really proper HELP me, in my hour, or 5 day vote, of need!!

I just wanted to say THANKYOU soooo much, and i will do proper thanking later, after i see the Zoo result!! I unfortunately have to work all day, and tend to daddy, so i shall not beable to monitor my Zoo First timer progress. So all i want to say is, IF YOU HAVE NOT AS OF YET VOTED FOR ME…..PLEASE PLEASE DO….i am one point behind the leader, and i’ve  already promised a ‘special someone a cyber blowjob’ if i win. (You know who you are!!! Wink Wink)

It’s all at zootoday.com   then click on ‘Firts timers ‘August week 3.’  Voting closes today, so get McCracking!! I need tea!! I love you!!

…as i am writing this i have just been informed that i am now an 8.9, my score is going down..lol…   (well isn’t that fucking charming.)

The funniest thing i’ve seen all day! I was being driven down a road, and when i got to the bottom of it, i looked up at the road sign…which obviously read, ‘STOP,’ and underneath it (hahahahaha) someone had spray painted in white, the words…’Hammer Time.’ I cracked up for hours!! God it was really hot today, wasn’t it??? I’m loving it. I tried to go to the tanning salon today…and yeah i’m the only person in the world thats waits for the hottest sun to shine upon Pontefract, then gleefully decides to go bake in an indoor bed….anyway, it was closed..so i guess that put an end to that tale!!

I’m coming second in that Zoo thing, and the voting ends tomorrow. I have a funny feeling that i’m gonna lose out to a girl (the current leader) who (and i don’t care if i say it,) is NOT FUCKING HOT. Everytime, my score creepes up, her’s just happens to also, and it makes me want to gauge my eyes out with rusty spoons.

The phone is ringing…wait…

I’m back anyway, i spent most of the day thinking about how road signs, after the ‘Stop, Hammer Time’ (hahaha) one. And i specifically remember being about 17, coming home from a night out in Wakefield, with my then partner in crime, ‘Miss.Quy,’ who too was as blathered as i had chosen to be. Unfortunately, i was in a marroon coloured Citroen AX, which had a Kinder egg surprise Koala bear toy, blue tacked to the front of my bonnet (hood)…and yes the even more unfortunate thing was that i was behind the wheel, trying to move this heavy machinery down streets and alsorts!! It was about 4am…and one of us thinks it would be an EXCELLENT idea to have a ‘men at work’ (that triangle one with men digging something on,) road sign as a keepsake. So when we found one, we found two, so luckily, and all against the law and everything, we jump out, i pop my boot (trunk) and we try to lift one of those bloody things!!! They are the HEAVIEST things you will EVER try and lift!! Luckliy i was drunk, so i laid on my back (wa-hey), actually unscrewed nuts, bolts, god knows whatelse, and we lifted it piece by piece into my boot. It took about 20 mins. We got the other one afterward also. I kept mine in my bedroom. It really was a complete waste of drunken time!

So there you go poor little starving children of the world! Instead of giving you food, a State in America has decided to BUILD a fucking palace of  it instead!!! There you have it! Some American state has made a GIANT sized, whole Palace of sugary delights, that is completely edible, and is boasting about it quite gleefully. ( i mean i would too, yet really it only works for Willy FUCKING Wonka- and he didn’t even build a WHOLE enitre Palace…he just had a room.) So basically, all i’m gonna say on the matter is, i don’t think they want to share it with you. But by all means, and if you’re in a 3rd world country, don’t feel scared to take a mild disliking to them for commiting such crude sugary act! Can you believe it?? You have no food! They forget to send you any, and instead bulid a FUCKING Palace out of it!! Blows my mind!!

Other than that, i’m about to and wallow in my bed sheets. I’ve worn this too tight blue thong all day, in the sweltering heat. It got a little lost at times, due to it’s ‘too tightness’ and began to get rather annoying….and disgustingly sweaty…hahaha. It’s the only thong that can give you a wedgie, and a camel toe at the same time. I’ve just plucked it out of my bum cheek cave, and tried to snake -ease it off. WOW!! It’s wet, it’s gross, and if i can’t sell it on ebay for hundreds of pounds…it will definitely be set fire to, and sent to Hell, where it rightfully belongs!! I told you i hate ‘Blue.’