OH MY GOD

HILARIOUS night!! Oh my LORD!! First of all i managed to accidently stumble onto a red carpet, ( only I can do something shit like that,) only to get molested by two young men, dressed as naked policemen, in speedos. SCORE!! Then it all went downhill from there really! I was at work, and during the process of me going to work, being at work… working, and leaving work. I managed to see, a man due to get married in about 4 hours, dressed as a slutty nurse, get whipped on all fours to ‘Smack my bitch up,’ by two topless dancers in a boxing ring, whilst his friends cheered. I got called ‘fat’ twice, hit on by a man in a clown wig, and two 70’s dancers. I hit someone over the head with a church cross, watched a russian girl claw some other russian girls eyes out…once again topless. The guy who called me ‘Fat’ then called me ‘Mother hen,’ and claimed that my friend was actually fatter than me. I lost my purse. I found my purse. I danced. There was a lot of blond. I ran around with a brown hairy afro attached to my vagina. I slagged off a slag. I broke a few hearts. I got manhandled inappropriately by a dirty old man, i passed out on a train at 5.05am..with my mouth open, joined a ‘forward roll’ competition with a bunch of Priests, was bought numerous vodka cranberries… by Priests, had my bag searched, had my makeup used, and had 6 different people tell me that they were now my boyfriend, had 66 people surprised that i was even talking to them, woke up feeling like shit…and all of this in my UNDERWEAR.

I guess, Yorkshire is kind of like LA after all???

Postman Pat

Howdy fellas!! Just woke up from the best night sleep ever, so this morning i’m feeling like sheer GREATNESS, and you should be too. It seems i also feel like a ‘Money-making machine,’not quite sure why?? (Hahaha) But hopefully it will prove to be true and today my path will be paved with cold hard cash. Hahaha! Life is actually turning out quite wonderfully. I can’t believe how happy i am? I don’t know what got me so excited?? I think it’s the Sagittarius in me. Or the coffee in me?? (bitches it’s like crack..if Amy Winehouse took up coffee, she’d be saying bloody ‘YES’ to rehab.) I think her whole falling ungracefully down to the pits of hell via a drug binge, is just a publicity stunt. She loves the ‘paps’ living outside her house. Soon, once everyones bored of her ‘I’m a druggie save me act,’ and we decide to not give her any attention…she’ll ‘Flip a bitch’ (if you are English, that means ‘pull a U-turn,’) and all of a sudden out of nowhere be recovered, happy, nun-like and having an affair with Postman Pat. It’s a vicious cycle. Postman Pat’s hot, and only because his nose looks like a big penis. 

Anyway enough of the ramblings..I feel wonderful, ready to take on ANYTHING, and take it on like a CHAMPION!! I must have had really great dreams last night or something? I’m just filled with this rush of determination, happiness and love. It’s a powerful thing. I feel like the worlds greatest Glamour puss. And I work pretty much all today, and for some reason methinks it’s gonna be a jolly good Friday Frank! Frank? 

Bedtime rocks

Its bedtime for me, so i’m about to make ‘Whoopee’ with my sheets. I’ve had a bit of a ‘lounge around like a lazy cow’ kinda day. I felt like i needed to refuel as the next 2 days for me are CRAZY busy, and long long hours. I won’t get done until the early hours..and it’s my week off!! Funny!! I watched movies, about serial killer boys, watched numerous episodes of the ‘Girls next door,’ discussed my laziness with someone who’s also as lazy as I, and yeah…i think we pretty much came up with the fact that if we actually stopped being lazy buggers, we would actually get stuff done, and be swimming in our billions. Unfortunatley i am only swimming in my own fat, which is quite far from billions, but i’d like to think it’s a start!! He’s swimming in defeat. But hopefully my crap cheerleading ways will encourage him to save the world, or swim in billions…as ofcourse that would obviously be WAY more fun, than World Saving…really who has the time?? (Oh apart from every beauty pageant queen, and PETA.) I’ve now worn myself out, with my own mindless drivel, so i’m off to play in my bedtime sheets. Wish you could join me..Purrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Night! Night!

Fence Builders do not make the cut

Morning!! So it’s almost June 11th, which is the Chrissie Wunna breast enlargement day, (oooh) i feel so much better..now that i am flu-less (yep, snot is not hot,) and there’s a gorgeous gentleman in my garden building a giant fence. It’s sooo desparate housewives, and sooo dreamy hot hot. I guess there’s just something about a guy who can build a giant fence, with his bare hands (well i actually know lots, yet the fences are emotional brick walls, or to stop me from stalking them..) However, THIS gardener/ fence bulider, is excellent, as he doesn’t say a single word, (the best kind.) He just dreamily gets his work done and BOY does he gets his WORK done!! (haha..i’m such a perv, you’ve all rubbed off on me.) Yet he can only be a meer second of entertainment, in the darkest corner of my mind..as he may beable to build me a million fences, but can he really support my life demands, of diamonds, shoes, Hollywood, and cold hard cash..along with romancing and love, and a whole lot of Va Vommage…methinks not!!! PASS!!

Talking about Hollywood, i’m missing it like crazy right now. I’m missing my life, my friends, my love, and the town itself. Yorkshire definitely does not cater to my life standards very well. Infact neither does England as a whole. I out grew this country about 10 years ago, and yeah me being here right now, is proving to be a snooze. The only positive is the fact that i’m with my family, they are my world and really that’s about all. Everything else is better in Hollywood. Even the Yorkshire puddings!! However, i’m excited about my upcoming boob op, i don’t have long now??? I’m excited about life, i’m bubbling over with ‘joie de vivre,’ and i’m  probably the happiest person alive.

Join me!!

So i burlesqued bitches

Lap dances, in my mind are a little intrusive. I have one of those, ‘this is MY space’ issues, and therefore someone being too close to my face, whilst talking, chewing or anything let alone grinding…(if they have not been invited into the ‘space’ that is,) really gets quite tedious, as i’m forever having to back up, dodge the ‘space invader’ and re- find my firm box of comfort. I have recieved lap dances before, i have given lapdances (for fun, not money,) and yeah, both sides of the arrangement is a little weird. I think it actually would be better for dance on someones lap for money…otherwise, it’s a bit awkward having some girl too close to my face, pretending thats she’s sooooo into me AND for no reason!! haha!! Yeah laps are never a comfy place for me. …especially when boys make you prettily perch on theirs.. Its knobley, it makes me feel heavy and i’d pretty much rather sit on a chair, or on a Face. (wink wink) Face wins everytime!! She’s a HUSSY they cry!!!

Oh and just so you know, i burlesqued, on a large stage, with all eyes a watching. I begged and begged the DJ bloke to cancel my dance, and keep skipping my turn, or put me at the end of the rota…i even lied and said the manager stated i didn’t need to do it if i didn’t want to. He paid no attention, and pretty much fucked me over by immediatly calling my name up on stage…everyone was watching, everyone was looking at me, so in true Chrissie Wunna style i thought, ‘Fuck it, Lets give them a show!!’ I did! I loved it, they loved it. There were howls, Cheers, whistles…I did two songs, came off and was congratulated by the other girls who thought i was sooooo sexy!!! (They had actually been quite evil to me before my dance) Being on stage.. is definitely my thing!! I then gave the DJ the middle finger. I am now his favourite dancer!!

My Little red envelope…

Got in at 6am this morning, so i was a little fuzzy ooh laa, and needing to rest in order to regain some sort of sanity. At 4am this morning, i was wondering the streets, all alone getting followed by drunk men, and sober lesbians with pretty CUT marks on their arms…Don’t ask! I was actually a bit scared, and only because the Lesbos had flipping CUT marks…on their arms!! Bloody hell!! It was horrid, it was dark and i was lost too…haha, but that’s another story. I’ll save that shocker.

Anyway, i wake up, stumble down the stairs, hug and kiss the other ‘Wunna’s’…i’m lethargic, tired, and walking towards the mail…grumpily. I finger through a whole bunch of boring blah, blahs…then all of a sudden i see a little RED envelope!! I like little red envelopes, as it always means the message inside is personal, and not a bill. I suddenly JUMP for joy, wake up, throw all the other crap mail on the floor, (maybe i stomped on it a little) and race to open my special red envelope.

Inside.. was the most beautiful card, with the most beautiful words of love and the most beautiful tears came out of my little slanted eyes!! I cried!! It was so lovely. So yeah, made my day. See women are a lot simpler than you guys try to make out.. give them a card and they’ll shut up and stop nagging for 24hrs. It seems i got a little card from a BIG someone, far away, reminding me of how much they love me…aww….. ‘I got a love letter AND you didn’t…i totally ROCK!!’ So now i am as happy as can be, yet still very knackered. It couldn’t have come at a better time, and the sender of this card will me rewarded…threefold!!! Believe me!! However, i guess by then, i might be over the card thing, and will promptly need diamonds, in order to shut up and stop nagging!

Be a Knight

Worst night EVER last night, but as always with a ‘WORST’ something, there’s always an ‘AWESOME’ something that comes out of it. I walked into a room of the most broken girls, it was ‘heartbreak hotel’ the girls that God forgot…girls who just wanted anybody, somebody to love them, girls that numbed their pain through causing themselves pain. There were girls that seemed to be dragged up, instead of raised, girls who have never known or felt the feeling of true love, girls that make out with scuzzy boys in toilets, when drunk, just because they don’t believe they can do any better, girls who wanted to make themselves love a boy, because his wallet was full, and it would be their way out… and girls, who when came into contact with me wanted to impress me soooooooo badly, yet only because i had a ‘posh stern voice,’ accepted them, laughed with them…and they felt i was almost a Mother figure to them. They fought over my attention and for the first time, i felt bad. I’m not gonna say much about the night, as it’s actually strictly confidential, but i am going to say i’ve just realised how happy i am. I’m actually a great deal more ‘Lady-like’ than i ever noticed. Infact, i’m POSH, (and not Posh Spice, as we all know she’s as common as tripe.) I’m lucky, i’m strong, i’m actually sane.  I’m beautiful, i respect other peoples things and a GREAT ROLE MODEL to YOUNG WOMEN. I’ve been blessed, and raised by the most loving tribes….and never again will i let a bunch of under privilaged girls, rummaged through my makeup, like they’ve never seen a MAC bronzer before..hahah..Jesus Christ!! Makeup is meant to be an ART…that’s why i adore it, not a bit of tuesday night ‘smack.’ I might have been a mess during 2005, but i always respected the Mac bronzer!!!

I forgot that there were girls so broken down, like that? There are definitely no girls, or infact boys like that, in my circle of friends. I’m often mixing with a mish mesh of different ‘walks’ in order to learn, and really see what’s out there. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own’ oh so important worlds’ that we forget to see the worlds of others…and appreciate the world we have created for ourselves.

All i’m gonna say, except that a baby on the train home, tried to drink my wine when i wasn’t looking. I don’t know where his mother was, so he sat next to me in his full ‘Luna Jim’ glory the whole trip, anyway where was i?? Oh…yeah, Women should be objects of beauty and your affections. They should be treated like Goddesses and with your most gentle respect. They should be loved, adored, worshipped, pampered. They should never be mistreated, hurt, or taken advantage of. The should be looked up to, nurtured and doted upon. Its funny how if you boys act like our Knights, we girls and quite suddenly turn into Princesses… Men usually treat me well, and i think it’s because i don’t let them treat me badly. If they do treat me badly, then they are the ones that usually end up in tears, once the conversation is over.  Infact, i don’t take ANY shite whatsoever (and i’ve learnt this by taking sooooo much shite in the past)..ask ‘latin lover.’ He has definitely taken some ‘Chrissie Wunna,’ emotional thumps to the head, when i feel he’s done wrong.. yet he takes it, in dying hope that i never lose that about myself.

Much better Delores

Well I guess someone up above loves me, as for some reason, i retreated to the bathroom, for a decent few moments, rid myself of toxic waste, and i’m CURED!! Don’t know what happened? Don’t really need to know, either? But i feel right as rain, once more. So if this feeling of ‘wellness’ stays put, and it needs to, for a good few days, or til Sunday…then all my bedroom faces, will be for real, and not pretend! Hurrah!! Just so you know my darlings, whilst you are coming to your final hours of the work day…i have 16 more hours to go. Funny, cos i’m often labelled the ditzy girlie bitch, who does not much of anything, except applies a fair amount of lipgloss per minute (which is actually true, so i’ll give you that,) who hasn’t worked a single day in her life and gets lots of attention for pretty much no reason!! 16 hours more than you…. and loving every minute! Aww…lets rejoice in my honour!! hahaha!!

Please kill me

Soooooooooooooo ill!! My head is pounding, my body is aching, i have zero energy, i’m dizzy, i’m puking and feel as though i could probably pass out in approx 2.4 seconds. So what does ‘Chrissie Wunna’ glamour model super queen do, in these moments of sheer agony?? Yep, i have to smear myself in fake tan, plump up my hair, to the plumpiest it will go…(note, i can’t even lift my head right now.) I’m having my  face painted, my heels found, my outfit fitted and even though i’m about to DIE in pain, (and no joke this is proper SICK)  i have to work 2 of the longests shoots i’ll ever have to work, pout my lips, try and look like i feel sooo super sexy woo-waa… when really i would give my left kidney, (as i’d look stupid if i gave you my left arm) to be bundled up in a million fluffy blankets, left alone (well maybe with a hot male stripper nurse..who nurtures me,) so i can die, still quite painfully, yet look like a work of art…and quite comfortably, as i’d be in lovely fluffy blankets, and not underwired peep hole bras. UGH!!! I need to get better!

Madonna is ACE

God, i wish i was Madonna. Well not really, but yeah totally!! I’m exhausted, spent the whole day at a theme park, standing in the rain, and singing alongside others to Tina Turner, inside a blue BMW. Life is good. But yes, i’m tired, and i have a whole day of work ahead of me tomorrow. So i need to get my beauty sleep, not that i need ofcourse, as i wake up stunningly attractive every morning. (Don’t hate) Erm…whatelse?? Oh yeah ‘Latin Lover’ is ignoring me cos’ he’s a prick? Or Gay? Or both? But yeah, i’m sooo excited for work tomorrow!! Life is good! Oh and Britains got Talent’s on!!!