Pissed off, mean and oh so diva.

Shit day! I feel horrible, mean, pissed off and mad because it rained all over me all fucking day!! Everyone i know is in LA, or going to LA or, just bloody LA-ing it, and I have to stay the fuck here.. for right now and bloody work. Even Russell Brand is in LA!!  It’s killing me!! I’m weeping into pillows, stomping around , pulling faces and being extremely Diva to everyone i see, just to make myself feel better!! It’s depressing!! Ugh!! At least the people here are ‘Greatness’, and not superficial. Yet saying that… i’m superficial, so i need to be around a like species. UGH!!! I’m bored, i’m still frustrated, and i need to get away!!

I know this may sound ‘funny funny drama queen,’ yet it’s really getting me down. I have a major audition friday and i don’t even want to go now.  I don’t fucking care. I don’t want to do any of my shoots, i don’t want to do anything. All i want to do is drink, sleep, spend all my money and wake up when i’m in Hollywood. hahaha! Champion! ( why, does that chain of events sound HOT, if ur a girl, and ‘Loser’ if ur a boy???) I am truely going nuts! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

The only good thing about my life today, is watching ‘Desparate Housewives’ at 10pm!! I am so PISSED off!! I feel like i’m not truely living and everytime i try to find the ‘silver fucking lining,’ it’s always pissed all over by rain!!

Love ya, Chrissie Wunna x

I miss LA, bitches!!

Just woke up, and trying to drink a lovely cup of tea, with a left over strand of milk. So gross…i need milk, and i need it now!!! Maybe, i didn’t pay the milkman? Or maybe he’s just lazy?? I’m feeling half happy, half sad today….(1,2,3 Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.) I’m happy because it’s sunny outside, and because i’m alive another day, blah, blah, and all that bull crap, yet sad because i am missing LA!! BIGTIME!! There’s just something about that town thats magical, and i love it. And although i’m out here working in England, for a wee bit, i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored, so frustrated and i want the next few weeks to hurry it’s merry arse up so i can get my merry arse back to where it belongs!! I’m really bored, and i think it’s because my whole life is in Hollywood now, everything i know, everything i am, everything i have…all the bloody fun!! And just for today i’m deciding to be majorily pissed off that i have to be in England right now!!

The good thing about being here is the fact that i have my family (who are my everything) right here, but if i could pack them up and take them to LA with me in a UHaul, forever…..i would!! I’m missing it, and i’m throwing tantrums, due to sheer boredom. Nothing is funner than Summer in LA!! I am not there yet, and there’s all this fun being had without me. Please kill me!! UGH!!! England is a great place to visit, and a great place to be….yet i just have so much love for LA, and so much unfinished business that i need to absorb, and need to absorb immediately. And yes, LA is a place full of weridos, yet i’m not exactly what most people would class as ‘Normal’…infact i think at times, i’m often right at the other end of the spectrum under, ‘Whacked!!’ I want it, i love it, gimme gimme, now now!

Before i go tend to my tresses, last night my ‘Lover’ and i played this game, over the phone, that he often likes to toy with called, ‘What would you do if…?’ Anyway, last night the end of that sentence was…’i was GAY?’ Wait, thats sounds bad, no….hahaha, he said, ‘What would you do if i was gay?’ (he likes to do this to wind me right up, as i once had a boyfriend tell me this!! So bad!!!) hahah…you’re all like which one???? Ooooooooh!!! Scandal!

Anyway, i told him…before he got the word ‘Gay’ out, i would’ve already smacked him over the face with a giant frying pan, and told him HE WASN’T!!!’ hahahaha!! Love it!! Welcome to my world!!

Love

Well it’s beddy byes for me. I’m tucked up in my sheets, laptoping away  and wishing i had Katie Price boobs. I’ve just got off the phone with my darling ‘Lover de Latin’ who misses my moody face and playful va voomage. Even though we’re so far away from each other right now, i don’t think we’ve ever been this in love. I mean, we usually fight like mud wrestling bitches, yet as of right now cupid is smiling over us!!!

I love being in love with him!!! It makes me feel alive

I will eat your first born…if you let me??

I am hungry, even after just eating. I can’t seem to stop stuffing any edible substance, that passes my eyeline, into my gapping hole (ooohh) of a mouth, every second, of every moment. Seriously, its almost my time of the month, and all i want to do is STUFF my FAT face, i can’t stop. Infact things don’t even need to be edible. I’d bloody eat Mrs. Muffies, first born child, if it walked past me. I have no idea who ‘Mrs. Muffy’ is, but it sounded cute, yet rude, so it worked. I get why cannibals eat humans now. They’re just fucking hungry all the time, and have eaten all the animals, all the trees, the berries, all the first borns, that they have to resort to eating each other. Oncoming periods suck!! Yet it’s fine, as i’d rather be a hot girl with a period, than a Boy with a penis that holds all kinds of emotional issues. Plus, if i wasn’t getting my period, it would mean i was a hot girl, who was pregnant, and that…as of right now…wouldn’t look to good. However, my dear friend i’ll call him ‘Drunk,’says.. that he will quite gladly punch me, as hard as he can, in the stomach, if i do need to get rid of it quickly!!! hahaha!! Joy!!

I need to go, i need to eat!!

The power of blowjobs!!

Helloooo my pussies!! I love you all!! (most of the time anyway…) I’m feeling fun loving today, because it’s beautiful weather outside, and i probably have the best fake tan that ‘Boots’ (if ur american, it’s like a massive drug store..) could possibly supply. Yeah, my life in England is WAY less glamourous, yet like i said before, a really decent form of rehab. I guess i just had to get away for a wee while to re-find myself, and i know that sounds soooooooooo ‘hollywood drama queen’ cliche, but you try waking up on a spinning merry-go-around, outside LA’s most popular gay bar, when the last thing you remember doing was the pre-Tequila shot dance, after a LA male hottie, who’s probably done a ‘Days of our Lives’ has once again broken your heart…it can really scar you for life!!! (especially when ‘plan B’ hottie, has not picked up his mobile phone…and all there is to do is pass out on a merry-go-around, with your perfect pedicure, before 3 beautiful Gay men, pick you up, plonk you in a car and drive you home to safety.) Hahaha! I think they did actually end up breaking into my appartment, taking really good care of me, then suddenly dumping me on the nearest couch…like a dead body, as my male roomate stumbles down the stairs in nothing but his tight white briefs. BITCHES!!! hahaha… i love them!! (not really)

Now, however i’m all ‘good as gold’…i really never got that saying??  Good as Gold?? Anyway, fuck that..  I have a pretty perfect life, a pretty perfect ‘Latin Lover’ …who (after my mother) is my lifeline. There is no breaking this man….believe me i’ve tried. He’s like genius at love..( ..if ur reading this Rudes, theres no need to get bloody big headed) He stands there with his ‘silent strength,’ whilst i jiggery pokery around him. So i guess i’m saying, if you hate me and are feeling the need to dispose of me, you may molest me, yet when it comes to the killing part….kill the  Latin ‘lifeline’ instead…it will hurt me more…honest!!! hahaha (i’m too beautiful to go out like that!) Take him!!

I’m currently watching an old woman on the news, who used to be in Benny Hill or something, film a video for Youtube, because her Old but Really RICH hubby is divorcing her and leaving her penniless. Ho-hum!She’s major angry, (proving that she probably is a bit too ‘bunny boiler’ to be his wife ) She’s a  bit Mcdrunky, looks like she use to be a Playmate when she was 20, (which i like)  and is asking us to donate money to her, so she can buy a tent to live in, because her rich hubby is evicting her!! Oh the bliss of Divorce!! All she has to do is ‘put out.’!!  Or get her knockers out for a pornagraphic magazine. Then she’ll have millions, or herpes of the mouth?

I don’t get it?? All women know …that if you give a good ‘bedroom shuffle, ‘ or you’re a master , with strangely long fleshy objects that seem to always find there merry way, into your mouth.. A man will pretty much forgive you for all your  miserable sins, and sometimes let you commit more. Why do you think, ‘Latin Lover’ adores me…??  It’s got nothing to do with deep rooted love (hahaha) Well it does, if ‘root’ means ‘penis’ and ‘deep’ means ‘My mouth’….. he’s just waiting for his sloppy…(our word for ‘messy blowjob.’) hahaha!! I give a good one. Brings him to tears! (Probably cos it’s painful) My mother taught me well!!  So Blondie says, ‘Donate money for a tent!!’ I say, ‘Get on your knees love and blow.. ..’ haha!  I’d make a good bastard husband!! Actually well done her, for managing to get her angry Youtube vid on the news. Its really because she’s old and hot. if she looked like Nora Batty no-one would care???

I love my life, so you should love it too…

Lovely lovely, likey likey! I’m feeling wonderful, i’m feeling sexy, i’m feeling set for superstardom, and i’ve just found out i have a ‘superhuman’ friend!! I’m so lucky to live such a wonderful life, and i’m so lucky to have this Gin and Tonic infront of me. Work is pouring in, and i’m having the best bloody time doing it!! And that’s my motto for anyone in life….’just have the best bloody time, doing it.’ That’s definitely what got the rumours of Chrissie Wunna stirring in Hollywood…or was that because i slept with handsome faced boys??? (haha…oooh she’s a funny one.) Too many people waste too much time worrying, about what people think of them, or what they SHOULD do with their lives, or why, why why???? (shoot me) I’ve never been one to care what people thought, (it’s worked for me, and against me) i was always there to entertain. (always worked for me.) I’ve always and usually by accident had a GREAT fucking time, and ALL OVER the world. I’ve danced, i’ve romanced, i’ve laughed out loud in very quiet places. I’ve wiggled on top of tables, i’ve hidden underneath them (dressed as a fairy in a UV room_fyi, not a good place to hide in white fairy wings), i’ve worked hard, i’ve loved hard, i’ve cried hard, and managed to real life karate chop someone, whilst screaming, ‘KARRRRRATEEEE CHOOOOP,’ and if more people were this wonderful way, we’d be living in a dodgey hollywood V.I.P room screaming for mercy…hahaha, so thank GOD for the brainiacts, or the ‘stiffs’ who keep a moral code of conduct for us all to aspire toward!! lol….

I need another G&T, i miss Hollyweird, i LOVE my life!!! Hurrah for pink phones!

Rub me all over with a Russell Brand Loofah

I’ve just woken up, and although it’s 11.30am, i did actually wake up at 7.30 am,  it felt so good in my sheets, that i didn’t want to part with them…so i snuggled up, read ‘Glamour’ magazine, and had a little play with my ‘Mary popins!!’ (love it!) Perfect morning! I had this weird dream last night, of a blond boy i went to school with, gently walking up to me, whilst i was sitting on a walk, that guarded a very beautiful ocean and sunset. I was brushing my teeth (bizarro??)….he kissed me on the back of the of my neck, told me he loved me……and i can’t remember the rest…hahahahaha!! (got to becareful!!) I love the feeling of surprise kisses, on my neck. Shame it was just a dream really…haha

Anyway, i’m fighting fit, spent quality time, with Great Wunna before me. I probably have the BEST mother in the world ever, to the point that it makes others wish she was theres. I told her how lucky i was to have her, and then in good old ‘Wunna’ style, i decided to get extremely distracted and have a major crush on ‘Russell Brand.’ Yep, i’ve just watched him gyrating, and being a british arse, in ‘Forgetting Sarah marshall,’ and now i believe it’s love. There’s something about his teeth, his sarcasm, his sillyness, and basic Va Voom, that qualifies him as a Major Chrissie Wunna crush!! I love him, and i also love ‘Atlas’ from the new Gladiators series thats making a reappearance. I couldn’t have chosen 2 more different men!! Yet, i have a man who loves me dearly, and i love him too…. so, i wouldn’t change him for anything in the world, apart from…Russell Brand….hahaha! You can totally be in a relationship and have little crushes. I’ve learnt not to follow through on my crushes now though…lol. Unless he wants to shower me with expensive gifts, and his name is, Russell Brand!!

Enough of that!! I have a busy week, i’m totally excited about it, and i can’t wait until saturday gets here, as my busy week will be over…haha…and i can shop. It’s a beautiful day outside, and i’ve started my new healthy diet regime with a McChicken sandwich. Bastard!! I love you!

xxxx

Ask Chrissie….

I have a new ‘Ask Chrissie’ section…where you can and quite obviously ASK CHRISSIE ( well…Me) anything you so wish, either about myself, yourself or some other important life topic!!! I’m not shy, so you have my permission to get as personal as you so wish. I will try my very best to answer you’re questions, so you too can be as GREATNESS as I!! However if i just ‘don’t get it’ be prepared for random sarcastic remarks or a simple, ‘i don’t get it?’

I’m doing this… as a dear dear friend of mine  believes people have got me all wrong, or only ‘think’ they know me. The facts are there but a little jumbled apparently. So heres your chance to get to know me a wee bit better darlings….

kisses

I’m too busy to do this tomorrow!!!

Okay, so i’ve just got back from a quick late night shopping session, i still feel like shit, yet because i’m gonna be ‘oh so too busy and important’ tomorrow, i am writing you this blog, and basically so i don’t have to hear you bitch and moan.

I’m about to go to bed….each night before i do, i check my email, whilst i’m tucked inbetween my sheets. I’m happy because my ‘Latin Lover’ emailed me sweet words of lurve, yet i’m sad because i feel like a miserable cow today…as you’ve probably noticed. Tomorrow, i’ll be chipper, as i’m having to rise at some unGodly hour, therefore 45 cups of milky coffee will be swilling inside my system before 9am. I love my life, it loves me too, and if i wake up to that bloody buddhist chanting tape, i will be forced to gauge my eye out…and that too will have to happen before 9am. A bit messy really.

I’m starting to get bored with my job. (here we go) But really i am. I mean it’s fun, yet there’s only so much of it you can do until it’s just the same old, same old… i want something new and exciting to happen. It’s about to, however that also, after a couple months will become a snooze fest i predict. Who cares, i’m lucky right now, and i’m gonna milk my good looks, as much as i possibly can!! I just need to quit moaning, as my life is pretty damn good. It would kind of be better if i was sunning it in LA right now though, and getting Coffee Bean, on 3rd and La Cienega and laying by the pool at The Standard winking at male hotties. But whatever i have to wait ’til summer.

Night night my darlings, i love you sooooooooooooooo much!! xxxx

I need to get better, and like NOW!!

I’m still sick, ‘Golden balls’ is on tv, i just got out the shower, and i’m deciding to hate the person who invented those crappy text message shorthand, emotion symbols. Some of those things are so hard to comprehend, like ‘ ?-( ‘   which apparently means, ‘i have a black eye,’ that simply writing, ‘ i have a black eye’ would seemingly be way less tedious. Why butcher the English language with a mish-mesh of symbols that don’t play nicely. It’s almost as bad as morse code. A simple screachy, ‘FUCKING HELP ME NOW,’ is much easier than finding a torch, and having to ‘dot, dot, dash…’ or whatever the fuck it is…hahaha…with the flashlight, into the dark night sky, hoping that someone, a million miles away, reads your signal and comes to your rescue. Me no likey!!

Even though i’m sick, i have this funny feeling my father wants to take me shopping this evening, and buy me dinner. I believe i will promptly make a swift recovery, as a body in motion stays in motion. It’s like pudding it ‘goes down a different hoIe. I’m only sick because my body is resting, and not doing anything, except looking pretty. It doesn’t know how to take the rest, so it’s deciding to be ill. Plus it has no-one to touch skins with, so it feels a lot less alive, than usual!!! It’s so use to simply side stepping into the next cosy bed…hahaha…

I love you my pretties, and i’m sorry that my barter has been shite today, yet soon, it will get better…i hope…or i’m pretty much F**ked! Good times!!